


Kaleidescope

by SimplySix



Series: The World of Jay Jallette [3]
Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Angst, BACK FROM THE BRINK, Drama, Fluff, M/M, Romance, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-24
Updated: 2014-01-24
Packaged: 2018-01-09 21:35:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 42
Words: 47,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1151054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SimplySix/pseuds/SimplySix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the land of mental misfits and criminal deviants, love is a rare thing.  For Jay Jallette, it may as well be non-existent.  Whether it be the cruel torment of his father and his lackeys or his own teammates, Jay can't see any sort of light at the end of the tunnel. </p><p>In an almost heroic act of kindness, the BLU Medic offers the Scout shelter from the hate.  But when you are the bane of your father's otherwise perfect life, it is hard to hide for long.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This story first appeared on FFNET and Tumblr, I believe. It circulated under my former pen name, Jupiter Green. 
> 
> I love my Medic X Scout combos as much as my Sniper X Spy combos. :P
> 
> I sail many ships, believe me. The banners are good, my friends. The banners are good.

_“I do not care. He is a child. What would you know about raising a child!?”_

_“Sophie, he is out of control. He is fighting all of the time. He is causing trouble at school and his brothers are beating up on him constantly. He is weak. He needs someone to toughen him up.”_

_“Listen to yourself, Jacques! This is your **son**! You are asking me to send him to that **awful** place where you work!? Why!?  I have done the best that I can! There is a reason my husbands **leave me**!”_

_“Mon petit chou-fleur, I have no intention of leaving you. I cannot stand to see you like this. I feel responsible for placing this burden upon you. I am trying to help the only way I know how.”_

_“But, putting him on BLU! He will grow to hate you, Jackie!”_

_“It will be a perfect ruse to keep Helen away from **us**. Whether he likes it or not, he is my son and my allegiences are currently with RED. We have a Scout. BLU currently needs one. I can train Jay to be the man he needs to be in this life. I will teach him to let no one command him.”_

_“By turning him against his father?”_

_“I will not let him forget who his father is, Sophie. This, I promise.”_

_“I do not want another one of my children to die because of a war!”_

_“ **S'il vous plaît, mon amour. Ne pleure pas.** ”_

_“He is my baby, Jackie! He is my only connection to YOU!”_

_“Forgive me, chou-fleur. I should not have put you in this position. This is the only consolation I can offer. Until he understands his place, it has to be this way. I cannot stand by while you are being run ragged by these heathens.”_

_“They are not **heathens** , Jackie. They are my children.”_

_“Jay is **our** child, Sophie. He is **our** responsibility.”_

_“You promise. . .he will be all right?”_

_“Yes. I promise.”_

_“All right. I will allow it._

_“I am trusting you, Jacques._

_“Take care of our son.”_


	2. In the Heat of a BLU Moment

“WATCH THE POINT YOU SKINNY BRAT!”

A rocket and several grenades sailed past a skinny, blue blur while explosions rang out around a silver disk in the sand. A grin burned against the sun as the light reflected off of a set of tags around a pale, slender neck. Cleats dug into the ground and circled the steadily growing blue circle where a large, Russian gunman and German medic were defending.

“Yeah, yeah! I hear ya you stupid frog!”

He knew his voice was like nails on a chalkboard to his “teammates.” That is why he insisted on being loud and obnoxious. Just like at home in Boston, nobody cared about him. They were trying to pretend he wasn’t there. He had to remind them he existed whether they liked it or not.

Sometimes, he’d remind them constantly.

“All right!”

The lithe body of the BLU Scout came to a stop as the final point changed colours and became completely blue. He hollered with his team as RED’s weapons were disabled and they moved away from the final point.

“Fuckin’ sissies!” he called after the retreating REDs.

He was saying it mostly so his father could hear him. That red backed, French talking bastard. That’s all he was. He dragged him away from home to “teach” him something about being a man. All he did was make him hate his mother, his brothers and everything about everybody.

His father was the reason he hated life.

“You almost cost us that point you insipid little mongrel.”

The Scout turned with hateful, blue green eyes. The shadow from his hat cast a ghostly appearance across his face as he glared at the man that had materialised behind him. His body shook from pent up rage as he hissed.

“I am going to cost you a helluva lot in dry cleaning if you keep it up, Nero.” he growled. “I helped cap the fuckin’ point, aight!? What more do you want from me!?”

The Spy rolled his grey blue eyes indifferently as he pulled a cigarette from his case.

“A decent Scout?”

The young Bostonian was going to launch into the Frenchman when a soft, gentle hand pressed down upon his shoulder. He looked up with a start as the team’s Medic frowned at the Spy.

“Zhat isn’t very nice, Nero.” the German said softly.

His voice was even and smooth.  He did not sound maniacal like RED’s Medic. In fact, if the Scout hadn’t known any better, he would have assumed the guy was normal.

Not like these other lunatics.

“Jay kept zhe RED Pyro, Soldier and Demoman from attacking Vlad or meinself. He is very fast and distracts zhem easily. You should be grateful. Zhat Pyro was after _you_.”

Nero frowned sourly as the Medic smiled warmly and looked at the Heavy as the large man lifted his weapon upright to inspect the barrel for damage.

“Isn’t zhat right, Vladimir?”

The hulking Russian lifted his head and grinned ridiculously.

“Da. Leetle baby Scout is quick like rabbit. He make for good distraction so I can shoot baby sissy RED ones.”

Jay felt a blush creeping into his cheeks as the Heavy praised him.

Well, _most_ of his teammates were douche bags.

“You always defend the weak, August.” Nero said with a disinterested sigh. “You should bandage your own, bleeding heart instead of making the rest of us tolerate it.”

“Go to hell you heartless havin’ son of a bitch!”

The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. His eyes were angry and hateful as he spat at the Spy.

“The Doc has more guts and glory than _you_ do, you coward! You hide behind smoke and mirrors while the Big Guy and the Doc here go head on into battle! They are like your fuckin’ meat shields, you selfish asshole! Don’t you dare talk to him about what he does or _doesn’t_ want to defend!”

Jay gasped for breath and trembled as Nero held his cigarette in his hand and stared at him. The Scout’s body felt like it was not there. He was miles away. He was back in Boston. He was at school. He was at the park.

He was anywhere but _here_.

Nero smirked.

“Or else _what_ , Jay? Will you continue to prattle on like a loud mouthed Yankee until my ears bleed? Please. I have better things to do with my time.”

Jay stumbled a bit as Nero shoved past him and made to walk toward the BLU Base. The Scout caught his footing with the Medic’s help and shot an angry glare at the Spy.

Nero paused and turned back to the Scout with a small, cunning smile.

“It is cute, though.” he mused. “You are trying to defend something that _means_ something to you. You are out of your league _and_ your age group.”

Someone may as well have popped the Scout’s lungs.

Jay stared after the Spy until Nero had disappeared in a cloud of blue smoke. He felt like he was going to throw up. His eyes clouded before he could stop them. Tears rolled down his cheeks. He barely felt the Medic’s grip on his shoulder tighten.

“Jay? Jay, are you all right? You look pale!”

“I’m fine, Doc.” he heard himself say. “It don’ matter what that snail eater says. It ain’t nobody’s business.”

August von Dette stepped back as the Scout angrily threw his hand off of his shoulder. His green eyes were narrow with worry as he saw the tears streaming down the young man’s face. The setting sun reflected off of his circular spectacles.

“Jay!”

“I said it ain’t nothin’!” Jay yelled angrily. “Just. . .leave me alone!”

Vladimir Kushnikov stepped up beside the Medic and looked out after the Scout as Jay ran the opposite way of the Base.

“Leetle Scout. . .he has not been coming back until very late. He limps when he returns.”

August nodded.

“I know.” he said softly. “He has been trying to hide zhe vounds on his arms. Zhe healing packs only do so much. Zhey are beginning to scar.”

Vladimir winced and held his gun up higher.

“He is running until he collapses. Sun is still very hot. It vas long battle. Vhat if he does not come back?”

There was a small silence as the sun continued toward the horizon.

August frowned before adjusting the Medi-Pack at his back and attaching his gun to the hook on the bottom of the device.

“Vlad, vill you cover mein shift in zhe kitchen tonight?”

Vladimir looked down worriedly.

“Vhat vill Docktor do?”

“I am going to bring our Scout back where he belongs.” August replied softly. “It is not right vhat our team does to him. It is vorse vhat his _fazher_ does to him.”

“You promised Willem. . .”

“ _Mein Bruder kann zur Hölle fahren._ ” August hissed hatefully.

His face eased as he stared out after the Scout’s fading image.

“Zhat boy needs someone to _care_ about him.  He needs someone to _love_ him.”

August looked up at Vladimir with a nod.

“Besides, zhat is zhe first time anyvone on our team has appreciated our vork, vouldn’t you say?”

Vladimir let a smile creep across his face.

“Da.” he agreed. “Da.”

“I am counting on you, mein friend.” August said checking his equipment one, more time. “If I do not return shortly after midnight, you better come looking for us.”

Vladimir nodded.

“I vill.”

August clasped a hand on his shoulder.

“You are a good friend, Vladimir.  _Danke_.”

Vladimir waved his meaty palm.

“Is no worry. You good Docktor! Help Heavy weapons guy. You good man. Leetle Scout could use zhat.”

“Indeed.” August whispered.

He looked out at the horizon.

“Indeed.”

 


	3. Run, Scout, Run

The ground pounded beneath his feet. The sand fell in between his cleats and propelled him higher, faster. The sun was baking his skin. Sweat poured down his face as his fingers ripped the headset he wore from his head.  He threw it to the ground unheeded as he continued to run into the expanse of the desert.

He knew every inch of the Badlands. He probably knew it better than his father and that fucking, BLU Spy put together.  He could fly if he ran fast enough. He could fucking fly.

Maybe if he never stopped, he would finally fly away from here.

Away from everything.

The metal tags he wore bounced against his neck as he gasped for breath. His lips were parted and his eyes were hazy.  When was the last time he had drank a bit of water?  He couldn’t remember.  Who cared? He didn’t. His mother didn’t. His father certainly didn’t.

Faster.

_My father convinced my Ma to send me here because **I** was the problem. He twisted Ma’s mind with pretty words and petty promises. He ain’t done nothin’ to protect me from the abuse on my team and from his own. He is lyin’ to her. _

Faster.

_He’s lyin’, and she won’t listen to me. She tells me I am too young to understand what’s good for me.  My brothers don’t miss me. They probably sold all my stuff and turned my room into something stupid. Assholes._

He was flying. He was a blur against the backdrop of the New Mexican skyline.

He was going to get away.

_Then, that fuckin’ French twat on my team goes and. . .and. . .FUCK!  What DID he do?_

There was pain now. His chest was searing with it as his feet tangled in between one another. He heard the snapping of his ankle as his body lurched forward. His arms flew forward to try and break the imminent fall that awaited him.

_He can see it. He can see how much I care about him. That fuckin’ Spy. . .makin’ me look like the fag he WISHES he was. . .with the enemy SNIPER no less. . .God, this is gonna hurt._

A small groan escaped his throat as he slammed into the hot sand and tumbled across the rocks and grass of the desert. His right wrist cracked under the force and his shirt was torn open as sand stuck to his face and arms. Blood trickled from cuts as the Scout brought his arms to cover his head. He rode out the crash calmly and without fear.

It would end the way it always did when he was about to be set free.

Jay’s body slammed into a seemingly invisible force field that was erected between the edge of the Badlands and the canyons beyond.  He rolled back like a rag doll and lay motionless on his stomach. He panted heavily for a moment before moaning and rolling onto his back.

He continued to breathe deeply. His eyes narrowly gazed up at the darkening sky. The tags around his neck illuminated in a bright, blue colour. Right about now, his father would be reminding him that he was forbidden from leaving the confines of the Badlands.

He _would_ be if he had kept his headset, that is.

Jay closed his eyes and let his arms collapse at his sides. Blood slid down the side of his face as the blue force field disappeared again. His tags returned to normal as several tears slid out of his eyes.

He _was_ like a rabbit.

A rabbit in a cage.

His father had arranged the implementation of his tagging device when he had ran away from the Badlands the first, few times. He was in with the RED Engineer and had him develop the force field.  It would stop him by detecting the tag.

Knowing a tag outside of his body wouldn’t last long, his father had taken it one step further.

The tagging device was implanted somewhere _in_ his body. 

Jay opened his eyes again as the shock and adrenaline began to wear off. He winced and grasped the tags resting on his chest. The BLU Medic had given them to him. He didn’t know why, but the German had insisted he wear them after he was recruited to BLU. He got so used to wearing them that they became a part of him.

They were comforting when he was in pain.

The Scout winced. His body was starting to ache. He glared as his thoughts trailed back to the tagging device his father had installed in him.

He did not know how his father did it. Maybe he got the RED Medic to do it. Maybe he fuckin’ did it himself. He didn’t know and he didn’t care.

All he knew was that it hurt like hell when he hit the limit of his freedom.

He had been getting parts blown off of him left and right to try and see if he could find out where the damn chip was inside of his body.  It hurt like hell, but he wasn’t going to stay here forever. He’d been here since he was fourteen. He wasn’t going to stay past twenty-one.

Jay used his good hand to reach into his pocket. He smiled as he pulled out a small, sharp stone in the shape of an oval. It had once been a beautiful pink colour. He had found it in the desert one night when he was trying to run away. It glittered in the sun like a crystalised piece of glass. It had jagged edges like a saw blade and it was just the right size to carry around.

He’d had it for three years.

For three years, he had used it to try and carve the damnation out of himself.

The Scout gritted his teeth and winced as he grasped the rusty, reddish mauve stone in his left hand and sliced into a chunk of his right forearm. Fresh blood spilled over his clothes and the sand beneath him. He kept slashing with the stone as more flesh split open.

He’d been thinking it was in his arms somewhere.  He had been working on them for a few months solid. He’d seen what his bones looked like before he would use a Healing Pack. He knew he was building a resistance to them. They were working to remove less and less of the damage. Faint scars were criss-crossing over his pale skin.

It wouldn’t be too long before he would have to start wearing long sleeves to cover them up.

“Bet Frenchie would _love_ to make fun of _that_.”

Jay’s voice sounded foreign and far away.  He blindly took another swing at his right arm. He painfully felt the blood splatter his face. Tears mixed with blood and sweat on his cheeks.

All he wanted was for someone to give a damn about him.

All he wanted was to go home.

He didn’t even know where _home_ was anymore.

“God, please,” the BLU Scout begged softly, “please kill me. Please don’t let me suffer here! Please take me away from here! Take me away!”

His voice was childish.

He hadn’t heard himself sound like this since Sunday School.

“Jesus, please just set me free! I don’ wanna live like this anymore!”

Jay’s voice rose into a fevered scream as he violently raked the stone in his palm against the already sore flesh of his right arm. He turned his head and vomited as his left arm came back to his side.  The make-shift weapon fell from his bloody fingers as he tried to catch his breath.

Tears were clouding his vision.  He would get this way sometimes when he would cut himself too deep.  Sometimes, he would enjoy the pain. Today, it was going to be one of _those_ days.

Maybe he was a pussy like everyone said.

“I wanna die.” he rasped into the sand. “I wanna die.”

“ _MEIN GOTT!_ _JAY_!”

 


	4. Insulation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You will note that my OC's tend to repeat a lot. Unless otherwise specified in a series, the characters do not relate to any other story. I just like my OC's a lot. xD
> 
> You will see these commonly:  
> BLU Medic will always be August von Dette. His RED counterpart is almost always his twin brother Willem.  
> BLU Spy will always be Nero DeLaroux. RED Spy = Jacques Merquise  
> BLU Scouts = Cole Merquise-Justine, Jay Jallete-Merquise. RED Scout = Camden Merquise. **Camden and Jay are twins. Cole is their older half brother.   
> BLU Sniper = Lucas Riley. RED Sniper = Wallace Mundy  
> BLU Pyro will almost always be female. Sometimes Sophie Jallete (Jay's mother) but usually Gabrielle Cuyler.  
> RED Pyro will either be Vincent Flynn ( Male ) or Echo/Lucy MacManus ( Female )  
> BLU Engineer = Richard RED Engineer = Dell Conagher. **I know this is contrary to the comics. I don't care. xD  
> The Soldiers and Demomen are always hit and miss because I don't write about them often.

Jay’s body convulsed as he heard footsteps coming toward him.  He did not understand what had been said. He knew someone was there.  A shadow fell across him.  He wildly  forced his body upright and stumbled back away from the figure in his blurred vision.

“Gettaway from me!” he cried. “I ain’t goin’ back! I’d rather DIE! DO YOU HEAR ME! DIE!”

A voice cried out that wasn’t his own when he fell back against the force field a second time. The shock to his system caused him to gasp softly.  His heart stalled for a moment as the electricity lit up every nerve and synapse in his body.

It was designed to work like shock therapy.

The more you did the act you weren’t supposed to do, the harder each subsequent shock got.

He had tried to test how much he could take one night. His father had found him before he could see if he could kill himself on the fucker’s own, maniacal system.  He’d been warned that if he tried again, he’d be made to _wish_ it had killed him.

Jay winced as the pain suddenly stopped. 

It was like his body was frozen.  His eyes looked around his body and noticed that his arm was beginning to heal over.  His wrist and ankle were reset and his lungs were not aching with pain. He turned frantically as he recognised the blue aura immediately.

His eyes locked onto those firm, thoughtful green ones with terror. His body began to tremble as the BLU Medic kept his Medi-Gun trained on him.  His eyes filled with fresh tears as he shook his head.

“Why!?”

August frowned and tried to keep his breathing under control.

He had known it was bad, but he would not have expected anything like _this_.

He composed his features and shook his head slowly.

“You do not vant to end it like zhis.” he whispered kindly.  “Who vould protect and praise Vlad and I vhen ve do a good job?”

He let a smile tug at his lips when the Scout smiled through his tears and laughed.

“Zhat’s zhe Scout I know.” he said softly. “Come. Come avay from zhat zhing. Vhile I have mein Medi-Gun on you.”

Without thinking about why or asking what for, Jay silently moved forward. He was steady on his feet and he moved toward the Medic obediently.

August waited until the Scout had stumbled away from the force field and his tags had stopped glowing. He frowned as the force field de-activated. He kept his Medi-Gun on Jay while his eyes narrowed.

If he did not hurry and get Jay back to the Base, that RED Spy would be around with his brother. This would not have been the first time today that the Scout would have hit the limit of his freedom.

“Thank you.”

August started and looked up at Jay as the young man pulled the tattered shards of his shirt around his shoulders. His face was flushed a beautiful pink as the Medic slowly dropped the Medi-Gun off of him.

“You are velcome, Jay.” he said softly. “Come. Let me get you back to Base. Mein Medi-Gun can only do so much.  You look dehydrated and exhausted.”

Jay’s face screwed up into a painful frown.

“I don’t wanna go back, Doc.” he responded. “Please. . .please. . .I don’t wanna be here. Nero’s right. . .I ain’t worth nothin’ here. Please. . .”

August slowly lowered his Medi-Gun and stared at the Scout as he cowered back. He could feel his heart breaking as the younger man clutched at his shoulders and fell to his knees.  He watched tears slide down the Scout’s face before carefully attaching his Medi-Gun to his Medi-Pack and walking forward.

The Scout’s heart was aching. He could feel it bursting apart in his chest. Even as he tried to gasp for breath and will the tears to stop, they wouldn’t. The pain was too much this time.

No one cared what _he_ wanted.

No one cared about _him_.

Jay gasped as a soft, warm cloth fell over his shoulders. The smell of alcohol and rosin that followed the BLU Medic everywhere permeated his senses as the white and blue lab coat was settled around his body. 

The Scout looked up at the Medic as August stood against the sun dipping below the horizon. It gave him a halo like effect as the German readjusted the Medi-Pack on his back. His light blue dress shirt was crisp and clean underneath a perfectly pressed, royal blue vest. The blue made his eyes stand out.

August cleared his throat and closed his eyes.

“Do not let zhat imperfect, French dolt make you feel like you do not matter.” he began gently. “Zhat idiot is vorth less to zhis team zhan _you_ , mein _schatz_.”

Jay blinked, confused, as the Medic knelt down beside him and put his hand on his shoulder. The Scout stared stupidly as August smiled at him.

“You are vorth more zhan anyzhing to your team.  You go head on into danger. Not only zhat, but you are going straight into zhe heart of it alone.  Vlad and I have one anozher in battle.  Nero, he relies on tools of zhe trade and luck, not skill like you have.  Our Sniper? He hides in a tower all day.  And, zhe ozhers? Vell, zhey are just plain crazy.”

It felt good to hear the boy laugh.  Even if it was soft and unconvincing, it gave the Medic hope that he could salvage what was left of the child that had been unceremoniously shoved into this fray.

If he knew the truth of it, the _whole_ truth. . .

August shook the thought from his mind and gently eased Jay’s chin upward.

“You do not vant to give up.  Do not let zhem have zhe satisfaction.”

Jay winced as more tears slid over his cheeks.

“Doc, I’ve been here for almost seven years!” he breathed. “I ain’t been home. . .I. . .I ain’t seen my Ma. . .or my brothers!  I don’t. . .I don’t even remember what Boston looks like anymore! I CAN’T REMEMBER!”


	5. Facing the Enemy

Had he trusted his better judgment, he would have restrained from doing anything.  If the Medic had left well enough alone, he would have let the boy cry himself into sleep so that he could carry him back to Base. But, seeing him like that made his blood boil. Seeing this child torn apart made him ache in a way he had not ached in a long time.

Jay let his hands fall from his head and looked up, shocked, as August pulled him into his arms.  The Scout looked at the Medic innocently as the German drew him to his chest and pressed him against his body.  He trembled for a moment. Only a moment. After that, his eyes filled with fresh tears and he put his arms around the Medic’s waist.

“I wanna go home, August!” he wailed into the older man’s shoulder. “But, I don’t know where it is anymore!  I wanna go back to the way it was! I ain’t a bad kid! I didn’ do the stuff they say I did!”

August’s eyes narrowed painfully.

What to say?

He knew from his brother what the situation was between Jay and his father.  Jacques wasn’t fond of his only son.  Actually, far from it. The man detested him.  August hadn’t known why.  Jay was remarkably bright and quick witted when he wanted to be.  He had a lithe body and was amazingly fast.  He could outrun the RED Scout any day.

If Jay had been _his_ son, he would have been proud.

“I know you aren’t, Jay.” he whispered into the Scout’s blood and sand matted hair. “I know you are not a bad child.”

Jay buried his face in August’s shoulder. His fingers clutched the back of the Medic’s shirt relentlessly. He didn’t know the Medic was so strong.  His muscles were defined along his back and his stomach.  His chest was rigid and his arms held him tightly. He didn’t know why, but he felt safe in the Medic’s arms.

“This is the first time someone’s hugged me since I was seven or eight or somethin’.” he breathed. “I’d forgotten what a hug felt like, man!”

August glared at the sand and pulled the younger man closer. He let Jay hold on tighter as a thousand thoughts burned against his skull.  The anger boiling in his blood was reaching a tipping point inside of him. His heartbeat was thumping against his ears as he leaned his head against Jay’s.

“I am sorry zhat zhis life has not been kind to you, Jay.”

The Scout shook his head against the Medic’s chest.

“Don’t apologise, man.” he whispered. “It ain’t _your_ fault I’m here.”

Again, August winced painfully and clenched his eyes shut.

If only this boy _knew_. . .

How could he keep the truth from someone he wanted to love so much?

“Thanks, August.” Jay said as he leaned back. “I. . .I needed that.”

August nodded and looked down at him.

“Anytime, Jay.” he said softly. “I am here for you.”

Jay smiled faintly before turning his head sharply.

He hissed.

“Fuckin’ asshole.”

August frowned and followed the Scout’s gaze to a steadily approaching vehicle in the distance. His eyes were lethal. He pulled his lab coat around Jay’s body and looked down at him.

“Allow me to assist you, Jay.” he said quickly. “I zhink I can make zhis less painful.”

“I don’ wanna drag you into it, Doc.” Jay said, looking away with a small blush. “He’s a bastard. And that RED Medic would prolly like to get a piece of you, too, if he knew you was bein’ nice to me.”

The BLU Medic’s nostrils flared.

“He confronts you?”

Jay looked up at August with sad, blue eyes.

“My Dad? All the time.” he responded.

“No, _schatz_.” August hissed. “Zhe _Medic_.”

“Oh,” Jay said wearily, “him? He usually comes with Dad for muscle or some shit. Usually it is just to inject me to knock me out. Then I always end up back at Base.”

Jay grinned now.

“I never make it easy on my Old Man.”

August smiled as the vehicle got closer.

“I vouldn’t expect you to, Jay.” he answered.  “But, I am very familiar vith zhe RED Medic. He and I have been around for a long time. He von’t stand a chance against me.”

Jay looked at August with something between surprise and distrust. He stared at the doctor’s open arms and frowned.  It _had_ felt wonderful being held.  He really had forgotten what it was like to feel the warmth of someone else’s body pressed to his.

It felt wonderful to feel protected.

“You promise?” he felt himself whispering as the truck stopped several feet ahead of where the BLU Medic and Scout were kneeling.

Jay looked up at the Medic as a short, slender man in a red suit and a taller, stockier man in a lab coat similar to the one draped around his body came toward them.

“You promise to protect me? You won’t let them have me?”

“Jaa. I promise.”

Where was this coming from all of a sudden?

How dare he make such promises!

He was going to hurt this boy.

He would break his heart in the end.

“Okay, Doc. . .okay. . .” Jay whispered clutching August’s arms. “. . .I trust you!”

August quickly swept the Scout up in his arms as the two men stopped a meter or two from them. Inside, his heart was aching and rejoicing. He did not know how this would end. He did not know where it would all go from here.

What he _did_ know was that he loved this child.

He loved him with all of his heart; and he _would_ protect him.

This was one promise he intended on keeping.

“Vell, look at zhis. Zhe little bird is not alone zhis time!”

August glared and held Jay closer to his chest as the RED Medic smiled sinisterly at him.

The two were splitting images of one another. Well, they _should_ be. They were Identical Twins after all.

The shorter man beside the first took a cigarette out of his case and frowned with disgust.

“Nero told me you had run off.” he said in a heated, French accent. “He said he may have told you something you had not wanted to hear. What was it this time, boy? That you were adopted?”

Jay did not say anything. He remained curled up against the Medic’s chest. He focused on August’s heartbeat and how warm it was against the older man’s body. He let his mind wander through the emotions of being held in a pair of arms that did not want to cause him harm.

“I asked you a question you rotten spawn of. . .”

“ZHAT’S ENOUGH!”

Jay looked up at August as the BLU Medic cut the RED Spy off in the middle of his insult. The Scout watched with fascination as August’s jaw tightened and his eyes grew dangerous and hateful, just like they did in battle. He smiled faintly.

Maybe the Doc didn’t mind him so much after all.

Jacques Merquise lifted an eyebrow from under his balaclava and stared at the BLU Medic with surprise. From beside him, the RED Medic snickered.

“Oh, you _are_ cute, August.” the Medic said aloud. “I zhought zhat Nero vas lying vhen he said you showed an _honourable_ streak zhis evening.  I guess I owe him an apology. I figured you vould leave vell enough alone after you proved you couldn’t protect your _own_. . .”

“ _Zum Schweigen bringen_!”

August’s muscles were shaking with rage. He glared at his brother hatefully as Jay slowly wrapped his arms around his neck. His face softened instantly as he looked down at the Scout.

“Go fuck yourself, Willem.” Jay said into August’s shoulder. “I know you’re his brother.”

The RED Medic’s jaw dropped slightly and Jacques looked at his son with stun as the BLU Scout entangled himself in his Medic’s embrace.

He wasn’t going to live his life alone anymore.

If he had to be in this hell hole, he was going to make sure the ones that had put him there suffered with him.

August winced.

“How did you know zhat, Jay?” he asked softly.

“I told you, Doc,” the Scout whispered, “I ain’t stupid. I grew up in this fuckin’ wasteland. I’ve seen the SAME shit day in and day out. I notice when people come and go! There are only eight of us that have NEVER left this place. Four of em are right here.

“Not to mention, you two look _exactly_ alike!”

Jacques frowned and flicked his cigarette ash on the ground.

“You ought to have noticed.” he replied. “You _have_ spent most of your adolescence on this battlefield.”

Jay turned his head and glared at his father scathingly.

“You would know, wouldn’t you, Old Man.” he responded. “You PUT ME HERE.”

“With good reason.” Jacques responded coolly. “You were running your mother ragged and I had been disgusted enough with the fact I _had_ a son. I do not want a legacy that begins out of wedlock.”

“Whatever.” Jay said softly. “I don’t wanna be your son anyway. You’da been better off just killing me when we got here.”

“Believe me, it was my intention.” Jacques said hatefully. “But your mother has requested weekly updates. For the past seven years, I have been keeping her up-to-date on your “progress.” It has become tedious trying to lie to her.”

“Ma still asks about me, huh?” Jay said with a small laugh. “Funny. She never writes to me.”

The RED Medic grinned again.

August recognised the manical look in his brother’s eyes instantly.

“ _Für die Liebe Gottes, Willem! Tun Sie nicht!_ ”

Willem von Dette laughed and extended his hand out to his brother.

“ _Warum nicht, Bruder? Er wird dein Geheimnis früher oder später zu entdecken!_ ”

Jay sighed and buried his face in August’s chest.

 _“Es zählt nicht, wenn sie bis August, Arschloch Schreiben._ ” he said heatedly.

 


	6. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should mention that I cannot speak ENGLISH properly let alone another language.
> 
> I have limited Spanish and Japanese skills. Sooooo, yeah. I cheated.
> 
> Just reverse translate through Google and you should get the just of what I am trying to say. I won’t sugar coat the fact I am not language savvy. xD

His voice was sluggish and slurred. His tongue worked through the tertiary language with difficulty as his vision waivered in and out. He winced and held onto August tighter.

He noticed shit.

He already knew what August was trying to hide.

He didn’t care.

The Medic always gave him the cookies his mother sent to him.

 _Always_.

If she couldn’t force the emotions to him directly then he didn’t need or want them. He liked it better when August lied to him. At least he felt he could live in the dream when the BLU Medic told him that he’d received a parcel from his mother.  The letters were fabricated, of course. His father didn’t _want_ him conversing with his mother anymore.

This was just part of his plan to phase him out.

At first, he hated them all. They all wanted him to die.  No one cared about him. No one wanted him around.

Then, there was that time he lost a couple of limbs during a battle at 2Fort.

August had flipped a shit.  He thought the Medic would go on a tirade. He may have if he thought that the Scout would have survived without his medical attention.

As he underwent the painful procedure to regenerate his lost bones and muscles, the BLU Scout had heard a heated argument between the BLU Medic and the RED Spy. The RED Spy had come to make sure he had survived the attack.  Most of his teammates fell into a stupour or a coma under the Medi-Gun.

Not him.

The longer he had split open his flesh, the less useful the Medi-Gun was. He was becoming resistant. He had heard them fighting about what they were going to do about his “condition.”

When the Spy had told the Medic he should let the Scout die, the Medic told him to get out. He had told his father that if he _ever_ mentioned killing him again, he’d saw his head off. He threatened that if he ever came into his office or Infirmary again he would shoot him on sight. It was the closest thing to someone standing up for him that he’d experienced.

He had committed it to memory.

August had stayed beside him all night after that.  He remained close and played his violin.  The music was soft and comforting during the worst part of the regeneration process. The Scout had grown to notice that the Medic’s music always sounded sad.

He hadn’t quite pieced all of that together, yet. But, despite all he _had_   learned after that, it did not push him away from the BLU Medic. In fact, it made him want to get to know him _more_.

Why else would he learn German on top of the French he knew already?

Willem and Jacques stared at Jay with their jaws dropped.

August’s eyes narrowed again and they were on the verge of tears.

“ _Es tut mir leid, Jay. Ich hätte es dir gesagt._ ”

“When did you learn German, you insufferable little shit?”

Jacques voice was cold and hateful as he put out his cigarette. He glared as Jay turned to him indifferently.

“My team don’t like me hangin’ around so I stay in my room. I get bored easily. I asked the Doc for somethin’ to do and he gave me a book. It was in German. I didn’t know how to read it. So, I asked Miss Pauling for some books on how to learn German. It took me almost a year, but I learned. She even helped me. She speaks German. Then, I read that book.  Which reminds me,” the Scout replied looking up at August, “I gotta return that to you.”

August smiled helplessly as he held the tiny body closer to his chest.

His heart was going to burst.

It was going to explode with the emotions he had withheld for so many years.

“The little bastard thinks he is a prince. It is cute.”

His brother’s voice cut up through his thoughts as his eyes turned cold. He glared at Willem and shook his head.

“He is not as stupid as you and his _father_ zhink he is.”

Jacques sighed.

“I think he _is_ as stupid as I thought he was.” he replied. “He is a pain in my ass. I had to come all the way out here to find that he is neither hurt nor trying to escape. It was a waste of my time.”

“Zhen quit coming after him.” August hissed. “You know he cannot escape.”

Jacques glared.

“I made a promise to his mother.” he spat. “I intend to keep it.”

“Zhe boy is a walking suicide vaiting to happen.” Willem agreed. “Zhe last time he tried to escape, I had to use zhe electricity on him.”

“You von’t have to vorry about him anymore.” August said suddenly. “I vill take care of him.”

Now, the other three stared at him blankly.

The BLU Medic swallowed hard and nodded to reassure himself.

“What?” Jacques asked aloud.

“You heard me you twat!” August bellowed. “You do not care for zhe boy anyvay! I am zhe vone zhat’s had to listen to him cry in my Infirmary! I am zhe vone zhat has had to reset his bones, stop his blood loss and give him treatments! Zhis is mein teammate and my patient. He is _MINE_. As far as I am concerned, zhe two of you can go to hell!”

“He is _my son_ , August!” Jacques spat.

“A son you do not vant.” August said, calmer. “Jacques, if you have any decency, just leave zhe boy vith me. He is mein teammate and I can look after him.  I vill make sure he does not try to run away again.”

The RED Spy glared suspiciously before closing his eyes and composing his features.

He took out another cigarette and frowned.

“Fine.” he agreed, scathingly. “As long as he stays out of trouble and does his job, do whatever you want with the brat.”

Jay winced and curled into his partner.

No matter how many times he said he hated the Frenchman, it still hurt to hear his father hurl insults at him. His eyes filled with tears as he clutched August’s dress shirt in his fingers.

He was going to throw up for sure this time.

“Gonna. . .be. . . _sick_!”

August quickly assisted Jay to the ground and held the Scout’s body up as the young man vomited on the sand.  The Medic watched with concerned, green eyes. In the fading rays of sunlight, he could see the blood glistening from the contents of Jay’s stomach.

He glared hatefully as Willem laughed.

“It’s not _funny_ , brother.” he hissed.

“Oh, jaa, it is a riot.” Willem replied. “You should see him after he’s been hit two or zhree times vith zhe electricity! He stumbles and vomits all over himself!”

August’s glare shifted to Jacques as the RED Spy checked his watch and looked at him indifferently.

“I am late for an engagement.” he said with a sigh. “Get him back to Base and let me know what damage he’s done to himself this time.”

August nodded once as Willem continued laughing and followed Jacques back toward the truck. He began rubbing small, comforting circles on Jay’s back as the Scout continued to retch.

“Oh,” Jacques said from the passenger seat of the truck, “make sure he finds his headset! This is the third one he has “lost” and I refuse to pay for another one.”

Again, the BLU Medic nodded as the two, REDs drove away from the area.  He cursed in German and looked down at his patient.  The sand was beginning to settle and the night noises of the New Mexican desert surrounded them. Stars twinkled in the sky as he brushed the Scout’s bangs out of his eyes.

His eyebrows rose sharply.

_He has a fever!_

“Are you all right, Jay?”

The Scout gasped for air and wearily lifted his hand to his lips. He wiped them with his bandaged hands and glared at the ground.  His heart was beating wildly as his vision waivered in and out. His body was tremouring.

“Don’ feel good, Doc. . .” he heard himself mumble.

“You have a fever. You have been in zhe sun and heat for too long.” August replied, lifting the Scout in his arms again. “I have to get you back to zhe Base.”

Jay groaned and let his head rest upon the Medic’s shoulder.  Sweat was glistening in his hair and running down the side of his face as August started moving forward. Everything was blurry and disjointed. He couldn’t focus on anything so he closed his eyes. The Medic’s heartbeat was strong beneath his ear.

It was nice to hear.

“Hang on, Jay. Ve are almost home.”

The BLU Scout barely heard the Medic anymore.  As he drifted toward unconsciousness and the German yelled in Russian, all he could focus on was the last word.

 _Home_.

Jay smiled as the cool, air conditioned air of the Infirmary hit his skin.  His eyes were glassy and far away as the cold, metal table of the Medic’s workspace touched his body.  He couldn’t hear what August was saying as the German turned a light and another Medi-Gun on him. This one was bigger than the Medi-Gun the Medic used in battle.

A light was in his eyes. He knew it was a light, but he couldn’t follow it or shut it out.

 _This is home.  He said he was taking me **home**_. _Is. . .is this home?_

The Scout felt the calming rays of the Medi-Gun on him, but he was tired and couldn’t focus anymore.  He let his body collapse under itself as August shouted in German.

_He sounds scared.  Why are you scared, Doc?  I’ll be okay. . .won’t I?_

“Hold on, Jay! Don’t give up on me! Hold on! I am right here!”

_Shit. He **is** scared. I wonder why? I mean, it ain’t like the team couldn’t function without me if I died. At this point, what does it matter, right?_

“Docktor! Heartbeat going slower!”

_Dude, is that the Big Guy? What’s he doin’ here?  He sounds scared, too! I ain’t heard him sound scared about anybody except the Doc. What the hell is goin’ on?_

“Jay! Jay, come on!”

_OUCH! WHAT THE FUCK, DOC! THAT FUCKING HURT!_

It felt like his body had been struck by lightning. Every synapse in his brain fired all at once as a pitiful scream left his throat.  Even under the Medi-Gun, the surge from the paddles against his chest caused his back to arch upward painfully.

“JAY!”

“Heartbeat back.”

_It wasn’t gone to begin with you asshole!_

“Zhank God. . .I knew he vas resistant, but. . .but zhis is bad.”

“Leetle Scout. . .he. . .”

_Guys, I am like, RIGHT HERE! I can hear what you are sayin’ about me! HEY! WHY AREN’T YOU ANSWERING ME!?_

His body relaxed against the metal of the table as a cool, gentle hand caressed his face.  A soft moan left parted lips as soft fingers raked through his hair and over his scalp. His skin prickled at the sensation.

_God, please. . .don’t stop whatever you’re doing!_

“I should be grateful he fell unconscious.  Had he been aware of vhat vas happening, he may have panicked or been in more pain.”

_What’re you talkin’ bout, Doc? I am TOTALLY awake! Why are you ignoring me!?_

“He looks so pale. His arm. . .it no heal?”

“He has been cutting zhem vith a stone he had vith him. It is organic damage. I cannot repair all of it. He did it to himself vith zhe earth.  He probably did zhat intentionally.  He vas hoping to find zhat tracking chip mein brozher put in him.”

_You knew the whole time!? Damn. . ._

“But, it. . .it is in. . .”

“I know zhat.”

_Dammit, DOC! WHAT THE FUCK! I HAVE been lookin’ for it! God, please, Big Guy! Tell me where it is! Tell me so I can fuckin’ leave this place!_

“I am sorry, August.”

“No, I should not have snapped. Let us focus on Jay.  His heartbeat is still very veak. Get me two Saline bags from zhe cabinet and zhe two bottles on zhe counter.  I have mein vork cut out for me.”

As a shadow shifted out of the Scout’s narrow eyes, the young Bostonian moaned softly.

”Shh, _schatz_.  You are safe now.  Nozhing vill hurt you now zhat you are vith me. I vill protect you.  Rest.”

The Medic’s fingers were soft and gentle as they ran through the Scout’s damp hair.  His nails carefully raked across the youth’s scalp as the boy quieted under his touch.  Green, worried eyes watched the boy take a deep breath before relaxing on the table. They narrowed as the BLU Heavy returned with the items for which he had asked.

“I vill not leave you. . .I vill not let you suffer alone anymore. .  .

“Zhis. . .I promise.

“ _I promise_.”


	7. Land of Confusion

The air was calm and quiet when the Scout opened his eyes again.  His blue eyes stared up at the darkened ceiling through veils of fog.  He moaned softly and blinked several times. When he opened his eyes again, the fog was gone.

_What the hell happened to me?_

Jay looked up at the ceiling and winced.  He couldn’t remember parts of what had happened. He knew they had won the battle and Nero had been a douche bag.  He knew he had said some things and run off.  He remembered hitting his limit, but after that, things got hazy. The memories were all disjointed and in the wrong places.

“Why. . .can’t I remember?”

His voice was scratchy and soft.  His throat ached miserably.  The Scout took a deep breath and closed his eyes.  He was wearing an oxygen mask.  That was new.  Usually, the Doc didn’t bother. He was up and at ‘em pretty quick.

Jay collected what thoughts he had and opened his eyes.  He wasn’t in the main part of the Infirmary.  Actually, if he remembered anything correctly, this wasn’t the Infirmary at all.

The Scout raised an eyebrow in confusion.  Several doves flew overhead and settled themselves in special eaves that were full of straw and other nesting materials. They cooed softly and pecked at their bedding as Jay turned his eyes to look around at the other parts of the room.

The walls were not white like in the Infirmary. These walls were a pale, sky blue. There were several photos hanging above an old, oak dresser.  Beside the dresser was a closed door. Across the room, near the bed, was a large, cherry wood desk. It had a small lamp that was lit sitting on top of it. Papers were spread out over the top and the chair was pulled out slightly.

Jay turned and saw an armoire on the other wall next to where the closet door was.  His eyes portrayed their surprise at all of the equipment set up at his right side.  There was a machine monitoring his heart and his breathing. There was another that was tracking something else. An IV stand had two bags hanging from it and was connected to his right hand.

Bandages ran over and across his hand and palm. They wound up his right arm clear to where his shirt sleeve would have ended had he been wearing a shirt.  The Scout lifted his left arm and put his fingers against the bandaged flesh over his heart.

Where the hell was he?  What had happened?  Why couldn’t he remember anything?

Jay looked up with a start as the soft, somber wail of violin strings called out from behind the closed door beside the desk.  His eyebrows rose again as the familiar song echoed across the tiles.  In an instant, he realised where he was.

“This. . .is. . .the Doc’s room!” he breathed.

The Scout winced and let his hand rest on his chest as the BLU Medic continued to play. It was making his heart hurt this time.  The music sounded sadder than usual. Well, it was _always_ sad, but this time it was worse.

It was then he heard it.

Jay’s face was a mixture of unreadable surprise and pain.  The Scout stared at the closed door, stupidly, as a soft sobbing rose above the music.  The pitch shook as the sound reverberated off of the strings of the instrument.  The bow took several jagged strokes as the BLU Medic cried.

Had he been doing that all this time?

Had he been playing to cover his _tears_?

The bow raked across the strings in an evil screech before the instrument fell silent. Jay trembled in his bed as he heard the sound of something falling to the floor.  He could hear August sobbing as the German muttered to himself through his tears. The wood of the violin scraped across the tiles as the Scout imagined the poor Medic bowed over his lap.

He wasn’t worth this kind of attention.

No one had cried for him before, so why would the Medic do it now?

Jay felt something compelling him to look over to his left again.  He stared at some of the pictures hanging over the Medic’s dresser.  The Scout winced and carefully pulled his body into a sitting position. His left leg throbbed dully as he focused on a tarnished, silver frame sitting on the dresser itself.

Blue eyes stared into the face of a much younger, BLU Medic.  The Medic looked happier.  He was smiling and standing next to a beautiful, young woman.  Her eyes were a bright blue and she had dark, brown hair.  She wore glasses and had a wonderful smile. In front of the couple were three, young girls. Each of them were beautiful. They were the perfect combination of the couple behind them.

“His own. . .”

Jay’s voice sounded foreign in his throat as he felt it tighten. His eyes filled with tears as he heard the machine beside him pick up its tempo.  His chest started to ache in a way he didn’t understand as the picture faded out of his vision.

That’s what Willem had said.

There was a horrible pain filling his chest.  He couldn’t stop it as tears slid down his cheeks. His left hand dug into his chest as he tried to catch his breath. The machine was screaming at him now. It was making an ungodly noise as several doves shot out of the eaves and into the next room.

How _horrible_!

How could his _own brother_ be so cold and hateful!?

That’s why his music was sad.  That is why he cried over top a staff of notes. The duet wasn’t meant to be beautiful for _him_.

It was a reminder of _them_.

“Jay!”


	8. Catgut Lullaby

The BLU Scout shoved away the arms that tried to grab him.  He sobbed as his ribs ached and his breath caught in his throat.  That damn machine wouldn’t shut the fuck up. It was yelling at him like his father did.  It was telling him he was weak and would die in this Godforsaken hell hole. He violently lurched forward and threw up.

For a moment, it felt like he was suffocating.

_Stupid oxygen._

His eyes rolled back in his skull. God, how he wished he would stop breathing. There was so much pain here. There wasn’t anything worth living for in this place.  Why did this man keep trying to save him?

It wasn’t going to bring back his family.

He wasn’t _his_ son.

“ _Atmen Sie, Jay. Sie müssen sich beruhigen._ ”

The oxygen mask was gone and someone was wiping the sick mess off of his face. Air, nasty and vile, filled his nostrils.  The smell made him want to throw up again. Somehow sensing this, gentle hands bent him forward over something bright and shiny. Sure enough, the Scout vomited a second time and coughed violently.

Between throwing up and sobbing, his throat felt like it was on fire.

“It’s all right, Jay.  You are all right.”

The words sounded like they were for the speaker’s reassurance more than the Scout’s.

Jay wearily collapsed against the BLU Medic as he finished. He panted to try and catch his breath as August pushed his hair out of his face.  The Medic pressed a cool, damp cloth against the Scout’s neck and forehead as he frowned.

The fever had not broken yet.

“I am sorry, Jay.” he said softly. “I should have been here.”

Jay winced and continued to breathe.  The smell of his sickness faintly permeated the air but he felt like he had nothing more to expel. His body was exhausted again.  He painfully closed his eyes and focused on the sound of his lungs.

They sounded funny.

“You have pneumonia.” the Medic said softly. “It is causing you to run a high fever. I have been hoping it vould break. It has been two days since I brought you home.”

This caused the Scout to start.

“Two. . .two _DAYS_!?”

August quickly shook his head and calmed the Scout as Jay tried to sit up.

“ _Nein, schatz._ ” he whispered softly. “If you move too quickly, you vill only get sick again.”

Jay relented and collapsed back against August a second time.

“Two days?” he repeated weakly.

August nodded.

“Your body had been under an immense amount of stress.” he said gently. “Zhat battle vas a breaking point. Your body could not take anymore. I almost lost you.”

The Medic’s words trailed off as Jay shook his head, dazed, and looked up at him like he was crazy.

“Lost me?” he asked. “But. . .I was. . .awake the whole time!  I heard. . .you. . .and the Big Guy.”

August looked surprised by this statement. Jay wasn’t sure if he liked the look in the Medic’s eyes. There was more pain there. It was obvious he had been crying. He would mention it, but given his current state, he didn’t know if he could handle what the Medic would say about it.

“You. . .but. . .”

The Medic struggled for a moment.

The breath caught in his lungs as he forced himself to look at his patient.

“Jay, you vent into cardiac arrest zhe moment I got you back to Base.” August said calmly. “You veren’t breazhing. I. . .I had to. . .to. . .”

“. . .shock me?”

The Medic painfully gazed down at the Scout.

Jay grinned faintly.

“Yeah.  I know. . .I kinda remember that.  You. . .you kept telling me. . .to hang on.  You. . . didn’t want me to give up.”

“ _Mein Gott_.”

August put a hand against his lips and looked away.  His eyes trembled behind a thin veil of tears as he shook his head.

Jay looked at the Medic innocently and wrapped his left arm around the doctor. His fingers dug into August’s shirt as he winced.

“Hey, Doc, it’s okay!” he said, reassuringly. “I. . .I’m okay! It’s. . .it’s not like I ain’t been sick before! I used to get sick all the time as a kid!”

The Scout gasped as the Medic turned back to him with tears sliding down his face.  The sight made his eyes narrow again.  He shook his head.

“Doc. . .”

“You vere conscious!” August cried softly. “Even vith zhe Medi-Gun on you, zhe amount of electricity zhat I had to use to re-start your heart vould have caused you so much pain!”

Jay tried to smile if only to calm his own, nervous stomach.

“Really, August, it’s okay. . .I. . .well. . .it ain’t like I haven’t been electrocuted before.”

It was a bad response. He realised that after the words left his lips.  Even as he was wishing he could take the words back, the Medic’s voice got caught in his throat.

August clutched Jay to his chest and held him tightly.

He had been so worried about bringing him back he hadn’t thought about what his actions would _do_ to the boy.  He was desperate to save him.  Worse, it wasn’t because he was his _teammate_ or because he was a _patient_.

He wanted to save this boy because he _loved_ him.

He _LOVED_ him.

“Don’t cry, man.  I can’t stand it when you cry!”

 


	9. Truth of Heart

August leaned back from the Scout as Jay clutched his shirt in his fingers.  He looked down at the younger man with surprise.  Tears slid down his face and plopped onto the blankets covering the Scout’s lap.  He waited silently as Jay sighed and looked up at him.

“You are the one that’s supposed to be wipin’ my tears up, Doc.” Jay whispered. “I don’t know what to do when _you’re_ the one cryin’!  I can’t make it stop!  I hear you over that violin of yours! I don’t know how to make the pain go away! You. . .your cries. . .they make my fuckin’ _heart_ hurt, man!  I can’t stop the pain and I can’t figure out how to make _yours_ stop!”

August felt his heart stall as the Scout shook his head helplessly.

“ _Es tut mir leid! Es tut mir leid kann ich nicht bringen Sie Ihre Familie zurück!_ ”

Common sense left the Medic as he drew the boy’s face upward.  There were complications that this relationship would bring both of them. Though these facts were true, it was hard to focus on them. Both of their hearts ached with a similar pain.

They had both lost something they treasured.

For him, he had lost his entire family.  His wife, his beautiful children. . .all of them. . . they had perished because he refused to change with his native country.  His inaction had caused the unnecessary murder of his family.

For Jay, he had been torn from a family that he had thought loved him.  His father had despised him his whole life and dragged him into a fray that would likely claim the boy’s life.  His heart was run ragged and had been damaged by altering his brother had designed.

The reality of it was that Jay Merquise would die on this battlefield regardless of if the battle was won or lost.  By the time he had realised what the RED Spy and his horrid brother were up to, it had been too late.

He had failed _him_ , too.

It was too much to watch on a daily basis. The constant battering and abuse that this young man endured because he was born.  It was a burden no child should have to bear because their parents were careless.  Given the circumstances, Jay had endured the suffering better than most would have. He took it in stride and took every chance he got to get back at his father.

Yes. They both suffered. But, why should they suffer alone?

Jay’s eyes were wide as August pressed his lips to his.

The Scout’s mind worked through the barrage of emotions and thoughts as quickly as it could. Tears slid down his cheeks as he relaxed into the Medic’s embrace.  His eyes closed as he felt his body enjoy the delightful feeling of someone’s lips pressed to his own.

August had soft lips. They were gentle and coaxed the Scout’s to part. Jay found that he did not fight this action.  He allowed the Medic’s tongue to explore his mouth as a soft moan reverberated in his throat.  A deep blush covered his cheeks as his fingers clutched August’s shirt relentlessly.

_God, I must taste like a subway toilet. . .why the FUCK is he kissing me. . .oh, but, GOD. . . I don’t want him to stop. Please. . .please don’t stop. . ._

Jay lamented the loss of August’s lips as the Medic parted from him. He panted softly and narrowly opened his eyes as August put his forehead against his own.  The Medic held him close and trembled.

“You are _not_ a replacement for mein family.”

August’s voice was not harsh, but it had a firm resolution to it.  Jay found this to be re-assuring and disappointing all at once. Then again, you don’t often find yourself French kissing somebody that reminds you of your dead child.

_Unless. . .he thinks I’m his. . ._

“Mein family died because I did not wish to follow my homeland’s homicidal tirade.” August said as if reading the Scout’s mind. “My wife and my children suffered because I did not zhink to move zhem from Germany vhen I had zhe chance.  I vill live vith zhat for zhe rest of mein life. But, you are _NOT_ a replacement or an embodiment for zhem. _Any_ of zhem.”

Jay felt his voice cut off in his throat as he stared at August painfully. He panted as his blush spread through his neck and chest. Blood pumped against his ears as he winced.

“Then. . .wh. . .why!?”

“Because I love you.”

The response came easier than the Medic expected.  He looked at the Scout earnestly as he nodded.  He wanted to re-affirm this.  He wanted Jay to _realise_ how he felt.

Jay looked at the Medic as though he’d been hit with one of his baseballs. His eyes were narrow and his features askew. He stared as though he weren’t seeing.  The emotional toll of the Medic’s words pulled the Scout in a way he’d been pulled once before.

It had ended up with him being dragged here to the desert.

“No you don’t.”

Auto-pilot. That was best. No one loved him.  He was unwanted and unloved. Anyone who told him any different was lying for his benefit.

August, expecting this reaction, shook his head.

“ _Nein, schatz._ ” he breathed. “Not about zhis. . .not about _you_.”

Jay’s eyes welled up with tears again.

“Dammit, Doc! You helped them do this to me! How could you do that to someone you supposedly _love_!”

He didn’t have a quick enough answer for that.

August painfully tried to control the boy’s thrashing as Jay struggled against his embrace.

“You don’ fuckin’ care about me, man!” the Scout hollered painfully. “If you fuckin’ cared, you’da let me die! You’d fuckin’ tell me where they put that tracking device so I could get the fuck outta here! LEMME GO!”

“It’s in your heart, Jay.”

 

 

 


	10. The Feeling's Mutual

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was written during the "witch hunts" that took place on FFNET. By the time this story was completed, three of my favourite authours had their stories and their profiles disabled by a biased committee of "ethical" minded people.
> 
> While I respect FFNET's policies that have been in effect since conception, I do NOT tolerate or respect the way they went about removing work, shaming authors and all of a sudden "caved to the pressure" of others when they complained. The "rules" were more like "guidelines" when they were starting out. I was part of the FOUNDATION that built that site. 
> 
> When my friends had wonderful, beautiful work taken down and my profile and work, also "smut" ridden and sex filled, was left untouched. . .I rebelled. 
> 
> I removed EVERYTHING from FFNET in defiance of their biased witch hunting. It killed me because so many people loved my work. A friend told me about AO3. It took me a while, but now I have a new home. I pray to the Gods above I can stay for life. 
> 
> Yours,  
> Six

The Scout stopped dead.  Tears stained his rosy cheeks as he looked up at the Medic.  The machine tracking his heartbeat changed tones for a moment before continuing as normal.

Jay trembled and shook his head.

“What?”

August’s face was devoid of any emotion. 

What was the point of lying about it anymore?  It would only cause the boy more harm in the end.

He nodded.

“The device is a stint zhat vas put into vone of your arteries in your heart.” he said again. “Your father and mein brozher. . .zhe _bastard_. . .had put it inside of you before you were recruited to BLU.  It vas designed to last for so long. Vhen it collapses, or vhen it is destroyed, unless somevone can repair or replace it, you vill die.

“Each time you run into zhat force field zhat your father cooked up, you damage zhe device a little more.  Zhe more electric shock you sustain, zhe more damage it does.  Your tags are designed to help protect you from absorbing too much of zhe blast all at vonce.

“I created zhem vith Richard’s help. Zhat’s vhy I gave zhem to you and demanded you vear zhem constantly. I created zhem as a buffer against the force field’s damage. Your father doesn’t know about _zhat_.”

Jay felt like the walls were closing in on him. 

It was too much to take at once.

Tears spilled onto the blankets as his body collapsed against the Medic’s. 

How. . .how horribly cruel!  How cruel to give someone hope that they would live to see freedom and then slowly whittle it away over time! How like his father and that crazy, German fuck!

“Doesn’t surprise me, really!” Jay choked painfully. “My Old Man ain’t really the forgiving type! I shoulda known he’d never let me _leave_!  Honestly, I don’t know why I’m cryin’. . . crying. . .like a fuckin’. . .KID!”

August painfully held the Scout as tight as he could. He put his cheek on top of Jay’s head as the younger man sobbed into his chest. He put a hand against the boy’s face and whispered softly into his hair.

“I am sorry, Jay.” he said gently. “I know zhat my apologies are meaningless now, but please understand, if I had known, I vould have killed zhem both. But, I swore to meinself zhat I vould do anyzhing I could to protect you!

“Not because you were a _child_. Not because you were mein teammate. . .but because I _do love you_!  I have loved you ever since you came to me zhe first time you vere injured on zhe battlefield.  I _vant_ to be zhe vone you can trust!  I _vant_ to take care of you!”

Jay collected himself as best as he could and pushed himself away from the Medic.  He trembled a bit before looking up at August with a very faint smile.

“They aren’t meaningless, you idiot.” he rasped.  “They mean the world _to_ me.”

August’s fingers pressed into the Scout’s flesh as Jay pulled his head down toward his. The Medic enjoyed the taste of the young man’s lips despite the circumstances. He’d been around sickness his entire life.  It did not phase him anymore.

The boy tasted like something he’d never tasted before. It was sweet and sickening, like sugar. It was addictive.

The Medic stifled a moan as Jay’s tongue tentatively slid over his lips. August parted his to let the kiss go uninterrupted.  His body was beginning to feel hot and aroused as Jay pushed his body into his.

This was against his better judgment and he knew it.

Not only did he not deserve this boy, but Jay was ill.  Pushing his body to do anything more may cause more damage than he could repair.

Oh, but the feel of his body.

Jay parted from the Medic breathlessly and arched his neck back.  He moaned and pulled August closer.  He felt his partner stiffening against him.

_Why the fuck is this turning me on? Isn’t this backward!?_

Who the fuck cared?

The Scout argued with himself as he began to press his body into August’s.

_No one has loved me anyway.  Ma never cared. She let that RED backed fucker ship me here. Not only that, but I have been surrounded by GUYS my whole adolescence! Isn’t this natural in that case!? Besides, I don’ fuckin’ care._

_His body is so. . .God he is so hot. . .I wanna hear him moan. . .God. . .moan my name, August._

“Jay. . .”

The Scout about flew into a frenzy.  The Medic’s lips were parted slightly and an elegant, almost regal, blush was skirting across the German’s face.  The way his voice breathed the Scout’s name was too much.

Jay pulled August back onto the bed with him.  The Medic had to adjust his weight quickly to compensate for the change in positions.  He looked down at the younger man painfully. The machine monitoring the Scout’s heart rate was beeping faster now.  He winced.

“Jay. . .you are ill! I could. . .I could hurt you. . .”

The Scout insisted.  He brought his knee up against the Medic’s groin very gently.  Jay grinned as August moaned pitifully.

“No worse than my Old Man or your stupid brother.” he responded simply. “Besides, I don’t care if you don’t.  I ain’t never been loved, August. . .you can’t just turn me on like this and leave me hangin’. Please. . .don’t stop!”

August’s eyes rolled back as Jay guided his hand down to his hardened cock.  He bit his lip as the Scout threaded his fingers through his own and began pushing against the throbbing organ. Even through the blankets, the Medic could feel the Scout’s need.

“Please. . .I’m beggin’ ya. . .if. . .if you. . .really love me. . .God, August. . .you gotta know how much I love you!”

The Medic’s eyes were a deep, hazy green as he stared at the Scout beneath him.  Tears were welling up beneath the Bostonian’s eyes as Jay arched up into his body.  The rosy hues rushing through the younger man’s flesh were arousing as hell.

“Vhat?”

Jay nodded.

“Didja think that Frenchie was pokin’ fun at me cause he was makin’ it up!?” he wheezed. “Jesus, August!  I. . .I have always loved you!  You. . .you were the only one who ever stood up for me!  You. . .you were the first person to show me kindness!  I always wanted you to love me back! I wanted this!  Please! Please! I love you!”


	11. Pain in the Past, Rapture in the Future

There did not need to be anymore words.  Words, at this point, were superfluous. They would only complicate things.  There would be time to sort it out later.

Right now, everything was automatic.

Jay moaned through August’s kiss as the Medic pressed his body down upon his. He gasped for breath as August gently pressed his lips against his neck and his collarbones. The Scout threaded his fingers through the German’s hair as August ripped the covers from his lower half.

The air was cooler without the blanket, but he didn’t mind.  His body was on fire.  He needed this to happen.  He wanted it.

“ _Du bist schön!_ ”

The Scout let out a voiceless cry as August’s lips encompassed him.  He arched back and clutched the sheets in his fingers as the Medic moved up and down on his shaft. He tried to breathe as he felt his partner’s tongue explore every part of him.  He trembled.

“August. . .ugh. . .you. . .you don’t know how good that feels!”

Jay whimpered as the Medic carefully pulled away and looked at him.

“I vill make it better.”

The Scout’s eyes closed again as August nearly upturned him.  He moaned as the Medic lifted his legs and spread them apart.  The stretching on his muscles felt amazing.  It was like he was preparing to run.  He loved when he warmed up. All of his muscles felt _alive_. It was like they were gearing up for what was to come. 

That’s what _this_ felt like.

“I have seen your body many times, Jay,” the Medic whispered huskily, “but now I get to _have_ it.”

Jay looked up at the ceiling in shock as August ran his tongue along the base of his erection and down his testicles. He felt his breath stall in his chest as the Medic’s fingers spread him apart. August’s tongue moved across his entrance gently.

Even if the Scout had, had words to describe how amazing it felt, he wouldn’t have been able to speak them.  His voice became wordless moans and whimpers while the Medic slid his tongue inside of him.  There wasn’t a way to explain being violated and aroused and fucking amazing all in the same breath.

“Au. . .Aug. . .ust. . .”

August looked at his partner but did not stop his ministrations.  He found the childish innocence in the young man’s eyes intensely erotic.  It made him want to coax more moans out of the body beneath him.

The torture continued for several minutes. Jay’s knuckles were turning white from gripping the sheets so tightly. His body was throbbing as August slowly pulled away.

“You _are_ beautiful.”

The Medic’s smile was kind as he reached forward and lifted the Scout’s chin.  He admired the soft points and dark reds of the boy’s face. He was a pervert for wanting to steal from this child.

Just because he was the first person to show him kindness did not mean he had to give himself up entirely.  It shouldn’t mean that _he_ got to have the Scout for his own.  Worse, they would get attached. Once attached, things always got difficult.

When you were attached to something, you lamented its loss when it left you.

Jay whimpered.

“Please. . .don’t stop. . .I want. . .you!”

August found the Scout’s whimpering endearing. He smiled and brushed the hair out of Jay’s face.

“You are adorable vhen you beg.” he whispered. “Vhat part of me do you vant?”

Jay shook his head.

“All of you.” he answered. “All of it. . .”

The Medic gently eased the Scout back onto the bed.  He was careful not to disturb the IV in Jay’s hand as he wrapped his arms around the slender body beneath him.  He set the Scout up against the pillows and held the Bostonian’s head in between his palms.

He gazed at Jay intently.

“Tell me to stop if I do somezhing you don’t vant.”

Jay nodded silently.

He leaned into the Medic’s hands and trembled.  He enjoyed the cool flesh against his burning face before allowing August to pull away.  He turned his head and watched as the German’s fingers moved through the buttons of his vest and shirt.

Those fingers were methodical.  They had the power to give life and take it away.  They had saved _his_ life on more than one occasion.

Jay lifted an eyebrow as August slid the garments from his shoulders and arms.  He saw several dark, deep scars running across the Medic’s back.  From the looks of them, they were older. The mottled patches of flesh seemed angry.

“Vhat _home_ does to you vhen you don’t follow zhe rules.”

The Medic’s voice cut up through the Scout’s thoughts.  Jay stared up at the older man with painful, blue eyes. His heart started to ache again as August tossed his shirt and vest on a cedarwood chest at the foot of his bed.

August turned to face Jay with a small frown.

His chest was pristine.  There were no scars littered across the front of his body.  The sparse trail of hair that led down his abdomen was the only thing that discoloured the flesh of his upper torso. He watched the Scout sadly.

“I have never put much faith in _home_.” he breathed. “Home isn’t a place. It isn’t a zhing or somezhing tangible. Home is _more_ zhan zhat.”

Jay put his left hand against the Medic’s as August came to his side and ran his palm up his cheek. The Scout closed his eyes and leaned into August’s touch. He enjoyed the soft skin against his. He focused on breathing as the machine beside him skipped several beats.

“Home is vhat you carry vith you.” August continued. “Home is vhat you love and cherish. Even vhen zhat is gone, zhey cannot take it avay from you.  Because you carry it vith you. It is inside of you.  Zhey cannot take vhat they cannot see or understand.

“Physical vounds heal. Zhey may scar, but zhey heal.  Pain is only for so long. You only suffer for so long until you find vhat you are looking for, _mein schatz_.”

Tears slid down Jay’s face as the Medic brought his other hand upward and held his face tightly. The Scout met August’s gaze at the German’s insistence. He took a shaky breath and clutched the Medic’s fingers.

“I love you, August!” he rasped aloud. “I will take care of you! I won’t hurt you! I promise! I can take care of you!  Trust me!  Trust me!  I ain’t just a kid! I. . .I can. . .I can love you!”

August smiled warmly and gently brushed the tears out of his beautiful Scout’s face.

He was beautiful when his defences were down.

So beautiful.

“I do trust you, Jay.” he responded. “If I did not, I vould not have removed mein shirt.”

Jay sniffled and raised an eyebrow.

“You mean. . .?”

August nodded.

“Zhere vas only vone request I had vhen I agreed to do vhatever Helen vanted.” he explained softly.  “Zhat vone zhing vas a separate barrack vith its own bathroom. I have scars carved into scars. Zhough half of zhis team cannot even speak _English_ let alone German, I have had hateful reminders of vhat I am carved into me.  I did not vant anyvone else seeing zhose scars.”

Jay shook his head and wriggled out of the Medic’s grasp. He prodded August in the ribs until the Medic turned around.  The Scout had to admit, the Doc was pretty stacked!  He didn’t figure someone his age would carry his muscle so well!

August was calm and silent as he felt Jay’s fingers tracing the finer scars embedded in the old whiplashes.  He recited the words in his head as he heard the Scout sounding them out behind him.  He knew them by heart.  He had only heard them over and over as they were carved into his flesh _by_ his flesh.

“. . .traitor. . .to the Reich. . .” Jay whispered painfully.  “. . .scourge of the Earth. . . sympathiser of the filth. . .disgrace to the von Dette Family. . .”

The Scout stopped as he saw the very familiar handiwork of the RED Medic. He trembled violently and pulled his hand back.  He stared at the initials of his partner’s brother like they had burned him. His heart started to pound in his ribs as an unbelievable hatred began filling his blood.  He clenched his hands into fists as the machine beside him beeped louder.

“ _HE_ DID THIS TO YOU!?”


	12. Lost in You

August quickly turned around and put his hands against Jay’s right hand.  He firmly pressed against the Scout’s fingers until the younger man’s hand relented and the pressure on the IV line was released.  The Medic sighed with a bit of relief and shook his head.

“Zhat vould not have been good if you vould have burst zhe vein, _liebe_.”

“Answer me!” Jay replied angrily. “Did _HE_ do that!?”

August closed his eyes and nodded.

“Jaa. Mein brozher vas unconventional, but zhe Third Reich offered opportunities to perfect his insanity.  To pursue his exploits, he vould do anyzhing.”

“Even _MARK_ his own _BROTHER_!?” Jay barked.

“Oh, jaa.” August said quietly. “ _Especially_ his own brozher.”

Jay realised that he was thinking only of how _he_ felt about this.  He didn’t stop to consider how it must feel to carry the entire weight of it on ones shoulders.

The Scout exhaled softly and looked down.

“I’m sorry, Doc.” he whispered. “I didn’t mean. . .I mean. . .I. . .”

August smiled and ran his hand over Jay’s face.

“Shh. Don’t vorry about it. It’s in zhe past.  You trusted me vhen you had every right to doubt me. Zhat took amazing courage.  I vanted to return zhat kindness in full.”

Jay smiled and held August’s hand in his own.

“Come on, Doc.” he breathed. “I trust you. . .and I really want you to keep going. . .please.”

“You are adorable.”

Jay moaned through their kiss as the Medic held him closer.  His blush returned as August parted from him and rose to his feet again.  The Scout could not keep his eyes from the older man as the Medic removed the remainder of his clothes.  His breathing was ragged in his lungs as August turned back to him, cock throbbing.

_I want it. . .God. . .I want it. . ._

“Remember,” August whispered coming back to the bed and carefully straddling the Scout’s body, “stop me if I hurt you or do somezhing you don’t vant.”

“Just. . .just do it, Doc.” Jay moaned. “I can’t take it no more!  Please. . .!”

Jay allowed August to grasp his hair in his fingers. He moved with the Medic’s body as the German pulled him lower on the bed.  He could feel his partner against his cheek. He could feel the throbbing of the organ against his flesh.  He moaned again and nuzzled the tender flesh with his lips.

“Zhere is plenty of time, _liebe_.” August said, controlling his movements and restricting the Scout’s head.  “I vill give everyzhing to you.  _Sich öffnen_.”

The Scout obeyed.

August firmly forced himself in between his lover’s parted lips.  His breath caught in his throat as electricity ran up his spine.  It had been so long since he had felt such a wonderful sensation. He moaned and grabbed a fistful of the Scout’s hair.

If he was not careful, he was going to lose control.

Oh, but the vibration of his throat!

Jay’s head was spinning. He fumbled for his own erection as August pushed and pulled his head. His lips moved back and forth against the Medic’s length as he tugged on his flesh.  He moaned and moved his tongue along the crevices of August’s cock. His left hand moved faster.

“Look at me, Jay.”

The Scout’s eyes looked up at the Medic through a cloud of lust.  The blue was turning darker around the rims of his irises as August gripped his hair tighter.

He must look ridiculous.

“ _Schöne. Einfach schön._ ”

Jay felt August pull him forward so that the Medic’s entire length was encompassed by his lips. He could feel it pressing against the muscles in the back of his throat as he moaned unconsciously.

He couldn’t breathe, but he didn’t care.

It felt good hearing the Medic moan his name and holding him captive.  His body was hot and it was begging for release. He wanted to make his partner feel as good as he did right now.

The Scout gasped for breath as August pulled back, organ covered with saliva.  It throbbed in front of Jay’s face as the younger man tried to calm down.  He whimpered as the Medic’s hands slid down his chest and stopped his hand from moving against his member.

“August. . .please. . .I gotta cum. . .please. . .”

“You vill, _mein schatz_.” August whispered sitting down in front of the Scout. “I promise.”

Jay could only take the Medic at his word.  He felt August’s strong arms lift him from the bed and up against his body.  He trembled and wrapped his left arm around his partner’s neck.  He noticed that the Medic was careful around his right arm.  August gently lifted it and put it on his shoulder as he put his hands on the Scout’s hips.

“I love you, Jay.” August said quietly. “No mater vhat happens outside of zhis room, I vill alvays be zhere for you.  I vill protect you.  Even vhen it seems hopeless, remember zhat it isn’t. Do you hear me? You have somezhing to live for, now.”

The Scout cried out and arched back as the Medic gently began tugging on his swollen flesh. His eyes rolled back into his skull and his fingers dug into August’s shoulders.  He found himself thrusting into his partner’s palm as the heat from his fever and lust overtook him. 

He nodded.

“I hear ya. . .” he whimpered. “. . .I’ll stop. . .I’ll stop tryin’ to run. . .I’ll stop hurtin’. . .myself.”

“Good.” August whispered back.  “I am glad ve agree.”

Jay was thrashing now.  If he didn’t take him now, the Scout would get too far ahead of him.

The Medic carefully pulled his fingers away and put his hand back on the Scout’s hip. 

Jay whined and collapsed forward again.

“August!”

“Just for a moment, _liebe_.” the Medic soothed.  “I vill make you feel better soon.”

The Scout knew what was happening.  His brain was processing it sluggishly even though his body was on fire and screaming for it.  He could feel August’s hands lifting him up and aligning him with his hips. Even as August pressed against his entrance, he still could not fully process what was going on inside of his body.

“ _Entspannen sie sich, mein Liebling. Es wird alles gut werden._ ”

August’s voice was tight and controlled as he eased Jay down on his aching flesh.  He could feel the Scout resisting out of reflex and he pushed a bit more firmly.  He groaned from the restraint of it all and dug his fingernails into the Scout’s skin.

“Jay. . .Jay. . .”

Jay looked up at the ceiling with shocked, wide eyes.  Tears silently slid down his cheeks as August pushed through him.  He jerked unconsciously and began to tremble as the Medic pushed himself completely inside of his body.

A part of him was aching for more.  Another part was screaming in pain.  A third part could not comprehend what was going on.  His brain was a mess of haze and electricity as the Scout cried out softly and arched back.

“ _Jay_!”

The Scout was brought back to the present as the Medic grabbed his face in both palms and forced him to face forward.  He focused on August’s touch as the Medic’s fingers brushed his tears away.  He was gasping for breath. 

Had he stopped breathing?

“Calm down, Jay. It’s all right.” August commanded calmly. “You are all right. I am here.”

Jay’s eyes narrowed as a rosy red blush crept into his cheeks.  He clutched the Medic mercilessly and shook his head.

“More!” he choked.

August was startled.

“Jay, I nearly caused you to go into shock by penetrating you.” he warned. “I zhink zhis is far enough for tonight.”

Jay shook his head more ferociously.

“No! More!” he demanded.

August moaned loudly and felt his restraint sorely tested.  The Scout forced his hips in toward the Medic’s.  He gripped the young man’s flesh and tried to control the actions, but found that his control was slipping.

The Scout, sensing this, immediately tossed what care he had left to the wind. 

He figured he would be unconscious after this anyway.  He might as well enjoy it while he could still feel it.

August held Jay to his chest as the Scout passionately kissed his lips.  Their tongues fought for control as the Scout’s hips moved against the Medic’s.  The tempo grew faster as the machine monitoring Jay’s heartbeat sped up. It was a ragged fight as Jay parted from the Medic and moaned louder.

“August. . .”

The Medic pulled his hand back from the Scout’s hip and gently began pulling on the Scout’s throbbing organ.  He tenderly kneaded flesh and ran his fingertips over the head of Jay’s cock. He lost himself in the  pull and tug of the Scout’s motions as he enjoyed the tight, slick insides of his lover.

He couldn’t remember a time when he had enjoyed intercourse this much.

He could feel his body reaching its climax as he moaned.  Electricity started shooting up his spine as Jay cried out and dug his fingernails into his shoulders.  The machines were incessant as the Scout cursed and screamed.

“I’ma gonna cum, August!” Jay panted.  “Keep doin’ that! Harder! Fuck! _Harder_! Fuck me harder!”

August smiled weakly and shoved his hips upward.

“Ah, youth.” he whispered.

His eyes rolled back as Jay squeezed his muscles just right.

“ _Mein schatz. . ._ Jay. . .!”

“Oh, God. . .” the Scout rasped. “. . .please tell me you’re fuckin’ cumming.  God, I want you to cum inside of me. . .fuck. . .”

A guttural moan left August’s throat as he slammed the Scout’s body down against his one, last time.  He let it escape his lips and reverberate across the walls as he released within the body on top of him.

“. . .shit. . .shit you’re cumming. . .aren’t you. . .?”

August narrowly opened his eyes and pressed against a sensitive part of Jay’s cock.

“Jaa. . .I’m cumming inside of you, Jay. . .”

Just hearing the words aloud would have been enough at this point. He was so close.  Feeling August unload inside of him made his body smolder and his mind go numb.  He couldn’t feel his heartbeat anymore.  He didn’t know if he was breathing.  All he knew was that August’s fingers could satisfy him in a way his own fingers couldn’t.

The Scout cursed and cried as he released into the Medic’s hand. Wet, sticky strands covered August’s fingers and chest.  It kept coming as August continued to gently pump the organ.

The electricity was too much.

“Aug. . .August. . .please. . .I. . .I can’t. . .no. . .no more!”

Immediately, the Medic stopped and pulled his fingers away.  He remained still as the Scout dug his fingers into his flesh, drawing small beads of blood.  The sheets were stained with the remnants of their lovemaking.  August could see the faint tint of blood as Jay worked to gain control of his breathing.

“Shh.  It’s all right, Jay.  Calm down.  Breazhe.  Calm.”

Jay’s eyes were narrow and full of tears. 

He felt like someone had tried to pull him inside out.  It wasn’t necessarily an unpleasant feeling, but his head was spinning and he felt sick again.  He paled and began to tremble.

“August. . .I. . .think. . .”


	13. The Backstory

The Medic moved with a quickness that the Scout would not expect of him.  He did not pull out of the smaller body, but rather leaned over and grabbed the pail he had brought in earlier from the floor. He brought it up between the two of them just as Jay bowed forward and threw up.

August winced and put his hand against the Scout’s head as Jay’s body shook.

“It’s all right, Jay. Shh. . .just focus on breazhing.” he said gently as the Scout finished.

Jay whimpered again.

“Some. . .some fuckin’. . .lover. . .I am!” he gasped.

“What are you talking about, _liebe_?” August asked kindly.

“I threw up on you!” Jay answered.

August smiled.

“I am a doctor. A lot of zhings get thrown on me. Besides, you did not zhrow up on _me_. You zhrew up in mein bucket.”

Jay smiled weakly.

“Thanks, Doc.”

August nodded.

“You are velcome.” he replied.  “Feeling a little better?”

Jay nodded back.

“Good.  Keep your arms around me, zhen.” August said as he set the bucket on the floor.

Jay nervously wrapped his left arm tighter around the Medic as the older man carefully pressed his hands against his hips.  He closed his eyes and whimpered as August lifted him from his hips. His body felt oddly empty and hollow.  He could feel the warm wetness between his legs as August muttered something in German.

The Scout focused on not throwing up again while August gently set him on his side. He kept his eyes closed and parted his lips.  He could feel the Medic’s fingers running through his hair as he moaned.

“You still have a fever.  Ve need to vork on zhat.”

Jay looked up at August wearily.  His eyes were hazy and tired.  All he wanted to do was go back to sleep.  He watched the Medic reach for something at the foot of his bed.

The Doc didn’t have a bad looking body for someone in his forties.

The Scout smiled faintly and watched August’s scars shift in the dim light.

He was nice to watch.

“You still vith me, Jay?”

Jay started and looked up at the Medic as August came to his side. He stared for a moment before nodding.

“Yeah.” he whispered. “I just feel. . .weird.”

A smile tugged at August’s lips as he nodded.

“It vill wear off.” he responded.  “I should have controlled meinself. You are ill. I could have made zhings vorse.”

Jay shook his head.

“Nuh-uh.” he said sternly. “That was fuckin’ _awesome_.”

August smiled helplessly.

“Jaa, and now you are a mess.  I suppose it is for zhe best. Now I have an excuse to bathe you.”

The Scout groaned in protest.

“Doc! C’mon!” he whined.

August shook his head.

“It vill help vith zhe fever, too.” he chided. “No complaining.”

Jay grumbled in French and buried his face in his pillows.

“I am sorry. I did not understand you.” August said almost sharply.

The Scout turned his head, confused, and looked up at the Medic.  He could see that the German was trying to back pedal and take back his words.  He caught the glimpse of pain in those beautiful, green eyes.

“Yeah you did.” Jay said softly. “I know you did because you and Dad fight all the fuckin’ time in French.  I never understood why until I realised that you didn’t know I spoke it, too.  Why would you get mad at me for speakin’ French?”

The Medic was silent for a long time before slowly walking forward and sitting down on the bed beside the Scout.  His dark, blue pajama pants rustled against his legs.

“I did not think your father vould vaste his time trying to teach you.” he began quietly. “I did not realise your mother had raised you speaking zhe language.  I spoke vith your father in his native tongue because I zhought I vas sparing you from his attacks.  It vasn’t until I heard you calling him a flamboyant, red branded whore in French slang that I realised I vas wrong.”

Jay grinned.

“That was a good day. I bashed his head in three times when he tried to backstab Lucas!”

August smiled back.

“Jaa. Zhat vas zhe day.” he agreed.

“My Old Man’s always had it out for me, Doc.” Jay said, trying to make the pained look in his lover’s face go away.

He hated seeing this man in pain.

The Medic gently wrapped his arms around the Scout as Jay sat up and snuggled up against his body.  He relished the smell of their bodies. He had made an unspoken commitment to this boy. He was young and vulnerable.

 _He_ had seen what war could do.

 _He_ knew how painful enemies could make your life.

“So, is that why you hate French?” Jay asked against August’s chest.

“No.” the Medic responded quietly. “It isn’t zhat I hate French, I simply cannot be reminded zhat my wife and your father come from zhe same country let alone zhe same family.”

This information caused the Scout to seize in August’s arms. He stared stupidly at the blood stained sheets.  Finally, he lifted his head and stared at the Medic.

 _His_ Medic.

“What?”

August nodded.

“Ameilia vas his sister.” he answered. “She lived in France until she vas sixteen. Zhen, she left for other opportunities. She vas a brilliant markswoman. She could put Lucas to shame.”

Jay, though a million questions burned in his mouth, remained silent.  He could see how fondly August was looking back on his memories of his former life.  It was then he realised that the Medic could not really remember his family as he wanted.

All he could hear was their cries.

All he could feel was regret.

He trembled terribly against the Medic’s side. He clutched August tighter as the German looked down at him with concern.

“Jay? Are you all right? Vhat’s wrong?”

Tears were sliding down his cheeks again. They were burning his eyes and making him feel like he wasn’t good enough.  His heart was starting to ache miserably.  The machine beside the bed began racing as the Scout tried to swallow his sobs.

August, upon hearing the sound of the heart monitor pick up, quickly leaned back and looked down at the Scout.  His eyes were wide.  He grasped the young man’s face in his palms and shook his head.

“Jay! You are crying! Vhat’s wrong!?”

“I. . .I can’t. . .I can’t. . .”


	14. The Truth About Spies and Snipers

The words wouldn’t form fast enough. His breath was caught in his lungs and his heart hurt like he had been thrown up against the boundary fence and held there. His face scrunched up into a horrible grimace as he shook his head.

“My Old Man! He. . .he used to talk about her!  About Aunt _Ameilia_!”

August struggled through the Scout’s sobs as the boy collapsed against him.

He processed the words and looked at Jay in horror.

“Mein Gott, Jay! Are you feeling _guilty_ for loving me!?”

Jay winced terribly before nodding.

He gasped for breath as the Medic seized his face in his hands and drew his gaze upward. Jay could see August’s bright, green eyes swimming in his vision as the Medic looked at him firmly.

“Listen to me, Jay. Are you listening!?”

August shook the Scout’s face gently to make sure that the boy was paying attention.  He clutched the heated flesh of his lover tightly.

“Answer me, Jay!”

“Yeah. . .” the Scout rasped.

“Your aunt, my wife, vas a vonderful woman.” August said with a slow, steady tone. “Vith her, I spent many happy years, but it vas mein own fault for vhat happened to her and mein children. Your _father_ is only upset because vhen zheir own father died, he left everyzhing to his younger sister, Ameilia.

“If zhe truth vere told, Jacques vould have never met your mother if it weren’t for Ameilia. Sophie vas vone of her close friends vhen she vas here in zhe States. Jacques accompanied her on a mission once and it vas doomed zhat zhey vould meet.

“Mein wife did _not_ die in vain, Jay.”

Jay stared up at August with parted lips and rosy cheeks. His body was burning as the Medic gently brushed his tears away with his fingers. He focused on breathing while his heart continued to pound in his chest.

August smiled faintly and tilted his head.

“Ameilia vas a sharpshooter.” he said softly. “Chopin vas a world renowned assassin. Vhen his wife died, he did not know vhat to do vith a little girl, so, he gave her a gun.  He raised his son to be a brilliant Spy and he raised his daughter to be an amazing Sniper. It vas a rivalry born into zhem to hate each other.

“Vhen my brother betrayed our location after I had deflected, Jacques abandoned his sister. I mentioned Chopin left his sister everyzhing. Vell, Jacques betrayed his father on a mission and ruined his reputation.  Zhen, Ameilia met me on anozher mission in Germany. Jacques has known Willem for a long, long time, Jay. Zhis isn’t somezhing new. Zhat’s vhy ve have all been around so long! Ve do not trust each other to leave each other alone in zhe vorld.”

Jay’s eyes filled with fresh tears.

“She. . .She. . .She DIED BECAUSE OF MY OLD MAN!”

August rose to his feet instantly as the Scout screamed loudly and clutched his fists angrily. As he had feared, the vein in the tender hand of the enraged child burst. Blood began staining Jay’s bandages while the Scout reared back in pain. The needle was pulled from his hand causing a larger hole to tear through his flesh.

“JAY!”

Blood splattered the Scout’s face as Jay tried to throw the Medic’s hands off of him.

Was there _anything_ good about his life?

His mother had thrown him away.  His father had hated him.  What he knew of his father’s family involved them being dead.  His mother’s family did not acknowledge he existed.  He was the _bastard_ of the family.

There was nothing good about his existence.

Fate was cruel.

Fate took this man’s wife away from him.  Fate had forced his father to cross his mother’s path. Worse, his mother had known the wife his Medic had cherished and would have laid down his life for had they only asked for it.  His conception was built upon lies, deceit, murder and pain.

There was nothing good about him.

He was a fool for believing otherwise.

“ _JAY! STOPPEN SIE JETZT! HÖR AUF_!”

The Scout gasped as August’s voice rose above his cries.  The noise startled him and he stopped long enough for the Medic to grab his arms and press his shirt to the wound bleeding in his hand. Jay was aware of the pain for the first time.

He looked down at the blood staining the Medic’s shirt with scared, blue eyes.

Discord followed him wherever he went.

August trembled and applied pressure to the wound.  He gathered his breath and let his body sag under the release of the adrenaline. The only sound between the two was the beeping of the heart monitor.

Finally, after a few, tense moments, the Medic closed his eyes and shook his head.

“You did not let me finish.” he said as evenly as he could.  “Vhen I said zhat Jacques and Willem vere on zhe same side, I meant against mein wife and I both.  Zhey had planned our downfall for years.  Mein wife and mein children did not die at zhe same time all at zhe hands of Nazi Fascism.”

Jay stared at the Medic stupidly.  He couldn’t focus. He blinked a few times before trying to use his good hand to touch the man in front of him. He whimpered as August guided the hand to his lips and gently kissed it.

August nodded.

“Ameilia vas killed by her brother vhen mein own vas punishing me for not being _honourable_ to zhe family and our country.  Zhey battled in our home.  Mein children vere at school at zhe time. Zhey knew vhat to do if zhey saw a red ribbon on our door.”

Jay’s eyes filled with fresh tears.

“He killed her!” he croaked. “He fuckin’. . .his own SISTER!”

“Spies are destined to hate Snipers, _liebe_.” August crooned softly.

He set Jay’s hand on his lap and ran his fingers across the Scout’s cheek.

“Vith Jacques and Ameilia, zhere vas bad blood, revenge and honour to uphold.  Ameilia had varned me of zhis vhen I married her. Zhe children knew it, too.  I did not lose zhem all to zhe same zhing.”

“But. . .you. . .I. . .”

August shook his head and hushed the Scout.

“Ameilia died vhen Jacques blinded her vith a flash grenade and stabbed her in zhe back like zhe coward he is. But, she never let him forget vhat his revenge cost him. Zhere is a reason he alvays vears zhe mask.”

Jay trembled.

“Yeah?”

August nodded.

“She grabbed shrapnel and glass from their battle and raked it across his entire face.” he said softly. “Zhere are parts of his face _missing_.  Willem could not patch him up completely. He vill carry zhose scars forever.  In her dying breath, she cleared her father’s name, cursed her brother and lived a life she did not zhink she vould have.”

August smiled fondly.

“I came home vhen zhey called me. I knew zhat it vas a possibility. Even zhough I vas in pain and needed medical attention meinself, all I cared about vas finding mein children.”

“My Old Man didn’ kill them _too_ , did he!?”

 


	15. The Gifted Ones

The Scout’s body fell over itself as the Medic kept applying pressure to the wound in Jay’s hand.

August shook his head.

“Nein. Your father does not have it in him to kill a child Pointe blank. Zhat’s vhy he could not kill _you_.”

“But. . .he said. . .Ma. . .”

“No, _schatz_.” the Medic interrupted quietly. “He does not have zhe stomach for it. Mein brother, sure. Not Jacques.”

Jay winced.

“Then. . .your. . .your kids!”

“Hilde died of typhus a year later.” August said without missing a beat. “She vas zhe youngest and had a very veak immune system. She tried so hard to beat zhe disease, but I could not save her. It vas running _rampant_ across Germany. Of course, I tried to get zhem out of zhe country, but mein brother saw zhat it vould be impossible to do so.

“Mein oldest daughter, Bernadette, lived zhe life of a tragic heroine.  She died vhen she vas twelve. She protected a Jewish girl from being killed by several SS Officers because she vas not vearing her Yellow Star.  She had zhe spirit of her mother in her.  She vas alvays protecting zhe veaker ones. She vas a proud, independent girl.  She vould have made her mother proud.

“Mein middle daughter, Elsa, she. . .she vas not zhe same after her mother died. She believed zhe lies zhat mein brother tried to force feed zhem. She slowly began to hate me for not following along vith zhe rest of Germany. At such a young, impressionable age, Willem manipulated her and she left mein family to be vith him.”

Jay shook his head painfully.  He heard the breath catch in August’s throat as the Medic fought to keep the tears out of his eyes.  The Scout’s fingers tightened on the Medic’s lap as August looked up at him.

“I never saw her again.  It vasn’t until after zhe var zhat I learned zhat she had chose to go to a German Girls Military School. She vas trained to be vone of _zhem_.  She actually helped zhem destroy our proud country and hurt. . .hurt so many!”

August looked away for a moment before frowning and looking at the Scout seriously.

“Vhen Germany lost and zhe Allies Invaded, razher zhan admit defeat, she followed in the footsteps of the _Great_ _Leader_ and she committed suicide. I found out from a local hospital zhat had received her. Zhey called me so I could confirm her body.”

“How, man!?”

August looked at the Scout with a bit of surprise.

He shook his head.

“How, vhat, Jay?”

“How!?” Jay cried looking up at the Medic in sorrow. “How could you possibly live a life like that, man!? HOW COULD YOU BE OKAY WITH IT!?”

August sighed and forced the boy to be still.  He kept his hand firmly pressed against the boy’s shoulder and frowned.

“It vas a long time ago, Jay.” he said softly.  “It vas somezhing zhat I vas varned about. Ameilia never hid who she vas or vhat may happen. Vhen she got pregnant, it vas unexpected zhe first time. She vas distraught. She did not vant to subject an innocent life to her ways of living. She did not vant to damn them.

“Ve agreed zhat zhere vere vorse zhings.”

Jay looked at the Medic with what he hoped was as much respect and honour he could muster in his condition.  He trembled and clutched August’s pant leg.

“You loved them anyway!” he rasped painfully. “Even though. . .even though it was an accident, you never treated it like one! You loved that kid anyway!”

August smiled.

“Jaa. It vasn’t zhe child’s fault ve veren’t more careful.”

The Medic adjusted his arms so that he could hold the Scout as Jay lunged forward.  He clutched the smaller body to his chest as the Bostonian sobbed.  He closed his eyes and rubbed small, gentle circles in the Scout’s back.

“Shh, _liebe_.” he whispered. “It’s all right!  Please. . .please do not cry anymore.”

Jay shook his head and leaned back.

His body ached so badly. His arm was on fire and his head was pounding.  He was covered in blood and felt like he was going to throw up again.  He painfully cried out.

“I wish I could bring them back!  I wish I could make you happy like they did!  I. . . I don’t have a right to complain!  I just had to deal with my Old Man for the most part! But. . .but that asshole and your _abomination_ for a brother made your entire life _HELL_!

“I don’t deserve your kindness, August!”

“ _NEIN_.”

Jay gasped as August held him firmly against his chest.  He stared at the Medic with stun as August’s bright, green eyes held his with resolution.  He could feel the seriousness and felt slightly frightened.

August shook his head.

“Nozhing can bring back zhe past.” he said sharply. “Even if I could, I vouldn’t.”

This confused the Scout.

Why wouldn’t you go back?

He’d go back and make it so he was never born.  He knew _exactly_ what he would do.

“Wh. . .Why not?”

“Because for zhose years I had Ameilia, I vas happy and I learned to love.” August answered truthfully. “I learned zhe meaning of a life and I learned patience vhere I had little to begin vith.  I learned tolerance and understanding. I learned zhat even mercenaries have zhe ability to feel and love just like zhe rest of us.

“Ameilia gave me zhe best of herself, and I vould not tarnish her honour by going back and messing vith zhe vay zhings vere zhen.  Mein children vere raised in a loving, caring home, and I fought for zhem. Every day I vent to vork at zhe hospital, I vorked for _zhem_. I told zhem I loved zhem a thousand times a day, but zhey vere destined for zheir _own_ paths.

“Zhat girl zhat mein daughter saved? Her name vas Esmeralda Hemsley. Zhat girl visited every day until ve let Bernie go. Even after zhat, she wrote. She wrote and she told me how she prayed for mein daughter every day. She thanked God for sending vone of His Angels to her.”

August nodded and smiled at this point.

“I managed to get Esmeralda out of Germany before zhe Nazis came for her family.  I got her mother, her brother, and her older sister to safety.  Zheir father had been taken, but, he vas strong and survived zhe War.  I still hear from Izzy.  Her letters are a great comfort to me.

“She named her first daughter Bernadette. For me, zhat is enough.  Mein children, even little Hilde, made zheir own choices, and even if I did not agree vith zhem, zhey vere passionate, lovely, amazing children. I could not force zhem to be anyzhing more zhan vhat zhey vere!”

“They had amazing parents.”

 


	16. About the Past

August smiled again and put his hand against Jay’s face as the Scout interjected.

“Zhat zhey did.” he breathed. “If zhere is anyzhing I vould go and change, it vould be zhat I vas zhere to save you from vhat life had done to you.  You are an amazing child, Jay.  Your parents do not appreciate zhat, but I _do_.  You have zhe amazing potential to do somezhing great vith your life.

“Don’t vaste it on lamenting zhe past and all zhat has happened before.  Take vith you, your lessons and go forward learning.  Sooner or later, you vill be right vhere you are supposed to be.”

Jay finally smiled, weakly, as August caressed his cheek.

“Besides,” the Medic said softly, “if it wasn’t for Ameilia knowing Sophie, I vouldn’t have you at all. . .and a life vithout _you_ , Jay, is a life not vorth living.”

At that moment, the Scout’s heart was so full, he thought it might burst right out of his chest.  He laughed through his tears and shook his head.  He brought his hand up to August’s and pressed it harder against his face.

“I love you!” he breathed. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry I brought it up!  I am sorry I acted like such a stupid kid over it!”

“I vould have been vorried if you hadn’t.” August replied simply. “Vhile I vould have liked to tell zhe story on a better day, it is better zhis vay.  Fate has a funny way of putting us right vhere ve need to be, even if ve don’t alvays agree vith Her decision.”

Jay smiled.

“You loved Ameilia.” he whispered.  “Why didn’cha try meetin’ another lady or somethin’.”

“Ah, yes.” August said thoughtfully. “A funny zhing about zhat, actually.”

He tilted his Scout’s head so that he could enjoy watching the light hit Jay’s blue eyes.  He smiled and nodded.

“Sexual orientation has been a bit of an ambivalent tension for me.” he admitted. “Vhile I love zhe female form and can appreciate its soft, sensual curves, I also enjoy the rough, jaggedness of zhe male form.  To me, it does not matter _vhat_ sex you are. All zhat matters is zhat vhen you agree to be in a relationship, you are committed to zhat man or woman vith your entire being.”

Jay blushed as August softly brushed his lips along his skin. He panted for breath and clutched the Medic’s fingers as he whimpered.

“August. . .”

The Medic leaned back and smiled.

“As long as you love faithfully, it does not matter, Jay.  I love you. I vant to take care of you and protect you vith everyzhing I have.  I do not vant you to be in pain or suffer.  I do not vant to _lose_ you!  If zhat is not dedication to a lover, I do not know vhat is, _liebe_.”

Jay shook his head and hugged the Medic tightly.  He planted soft, sloppy kisses along August’s neck and shoulder as he cried.  Even though his body was broken and his life was a mess, this man loved him anyway.

This man loved him anyway.

“Ditto, man!” he whispered into the crook of August’s neck. “I love you! I love you like that! I wanna make you happy and take away the pain!  I don’ wanna see you cry no more!”

August gently kissed the side of Jay’s head and smiled.

“Zhere may alvays be zhe stray tear or two.” he chided. “A good cry cleanses zhe body and zhe mind. But, at least vhen I cry I have a pair of arms zhat vill comfort me. I von’t have to try and sob over zhe strings of mein violin.”

Jay nodded fiercely.

“I will be there!” he said with a firm conviction. “I will protect you and hold you! I will be there for you if you gotta cry, Doc! I will take care of you! I promise.”

“Zhen it vill be all right, Jay.” August breathed. “It vill be all right.”

The two silently held one another as the machines beside them began returning to a normal tempo.  The night was heavy outside as several doves cooed in their sleep.  The rustling of their wings was soothing as the lovers embraced quietly.  After several moments, August leaned back.

“Zhat vein is burst. I  need to bandage it before anyzhing else happens. You do not have any blood you can spare.”

Jay nodded weakly as the Medic rose to his feet.

“Keep zhat tight against your hand and lift your arm above your heart if you can!” August warned as he went to the bedroom door. “I vill be right back!”

The Scout did as he was told as he heard the Medic rummaging around in the Infirmary.

He felt so weak.  Parts of him felt wrecked, others felt amazing. His mind was fuzzy and his head was pounding.  It was hurting.  Everything was _hurting_.

“Hang on, Jay.  Let me get zhis bandaged and ve vill get you into zhe bath.  Ve vill try to cool you down.”

Jay moaned as August’s fingers pulled the shirt out of his and began pulling the bandages away from his hand.  He kept his eyes closed and focused on breathing.  August was whispering in German as he pressed antiseptic into the wound.

“I am sorry, Jay.” August apologised as the Scout whimpered painfully. “I do not vant you to get any other infection.”

The Scout did not answer. He kept his eyes closed tightly. Tears were sliding down his face while August put fresh bandages around his hand and wrist.  He did not realise that he was being lifted until the Medic had pulled him against his chest and opened the door across from the bed.

The air was cooler and caused Jay to shiver.  He pressed his body closer to August’s as the taller man clicked on the light.  The white light was stark against pale, blue walls and white tiles. It was simple and functional. It was exactly what the Medic had wanted.

“Hold on, _liebe_.”

 


	17. Cold

A pathetic cry left the Scout’s lips as the Medic set the boy in the ceramic tub along the wall.

The cold stone against his skin was terrible. Jay began to cry harder as he tried to curl forward to cover himself.  He began to shiver while August went over to a cabinet along the opposite wall.

“I know it feels cold, Jay.” August said sympathetically. “But, zhis is for your own good. I have to lower zhat fever. Unless you want me to put you in ice water, you have to trust me.”

“I. . .It’s _cold_!” Jay whispered, cringing.

August quickly moved forward and pulled the Scout’s right arm up to keep Jay from curling it to his chest.

“ _Nein! Sie können sich nicht bewegen sie den rechten arm, Jay_.”

Jay painfully allowed August to keep hold of his arm while the Medic used his other hand to turn on the faucet. He gave a small yelp as the cold water hit his flesh. He shivered harder and pulled against the Medic’s grasp.

“C. . .cold!” he cried. “ _Das wasser ist kalt, August!_ ”

August firmly kept hold of Jay’s arm and adjusted the water before dropping the stopper in the drain.  He winced as the Scout dug his nails into his arm.

“Aug. . .gust. . .”

“It is only for a little vhile, Jay.” August whispered. “Your fever has been high for zhe past, two days. I have to bring it down.”

Jay pressed his face against the Medic’s arm and cried as cool water began to pool around his legs. His body felt like it was going from a hundred degrees to below zero in under a second. His skin felt numb as he sobbed.

“Pl. . .pl. . .ease. . .st. . .stop!”

“I can’t, _liebe_. Please, just a bit longer.”

August’s voice was tight in his throat. This child was breaking his heart.  He looked down at the youth curled over the side of his bathtub, raking his nails across his flesh for dear life. His tears were running down his forearm as he kept the Scout’s injured arm elevated.

Jay was shaking now. His entire body had paled several shades. The water rose to his waist as his muscles jerked. He held onto August’s arm tighter.

He couldn’t feel anything. He couldn’t feel it anymore!

“ _Bitte aufhören! BITTE! AUFHÖREN!_ ”

August quickly shut the water off and held Jay still as the Scout began to thrash. Water splashed over the sides of the tub as the younger body struggled.  Being stronger and not stricken with fever, the Medic managed to cease the boy’s bid for freedom. He painfully shook his head again as the Scout wailed.

Jay’s voice died in his throat as he collapsed against August’s side. He shook and let his left hand fall from the Medic’s arm. Deep, red welts followed in his fingers’ wake as he sobbed.  He fell still as August gently began rubbing a soft, damp cloth over his face and torso.

“ _Verzeihen sie mir, Jay. Ich glaube nicht, sie zu verletzen._ ”

August’s voice was soft and gentle as he cleaned the blood off of the Scout’s body. The water was tinged a faint pink.  The wash cloth dipped into the water again and cleansed more of Jay’s skin.  Jay did not answer as he remained half thrown over the edge of the bathtub.

The silence lingered as the water gently lapped at the Scout’s legs.  The light buzzed overhead while the Medic continued his work.  After a few more moments, August wrung out the wash cloth and draped it over the side of the tub.  He carefully adjusted Jay’s arm and produced a thick, blue towel from his side.

“Come here, Jay.”

The Scout was startled by August’s voice.  He looked up at the Medic with hazy, blue eyes. His face was still flushed, but his body had stopped shaking.  He stared at August without seeing.

Sensing his partner’s distress, the Medic quietly slid his arms under the Scout’s and hauled the runner upward. He quickly wrapped the towel around Jay’s body and lifted him out of the water. August slid an arm under the Scout’s legs and held him closely to his chest.

Jay took a sharp, sudden breath and let his head rest on the Medic’s shoulder.  He closed his eyes and enjoyed the warmth of August’s body.  He moaned softly.

“Just a moment, _schatz_.”

The Scout murmured a reply while the Medic reached into his dresser and rummaged around for something with a blind hand.  He quickly pulled a worn, dark blue garment out of the drawer and shut it with his hip.

He carefully brought Jay back to the bed and set him close to the pillows. August’s hands gently dried the Scout’s skin while trying to keep the youth upright.  It was a task that proved to be most difficult.

After a few tries, the Medic managed to get Jay dry enough to get the shirt he had pulled out of his dresser over the Scout’s arms. He was careful with Jay’s injured arm as he eased the pale, narrow limb into the sleeve.  With the oversized shirt, the Scout seemed so small and frail.

Either that, or _he_ needed to lose weight.

August shook his head clear and pulled the hem of the shirt down Jay’s torso.  The garment came clear to the Scout’s hips.  He turned and threw the damp towel on the floor before lifting Jay up again.

Jay moaned in protest.

“Easy, Jay. It is just for a moment.” August whispered gently.  “I have to change zhese sheets. Ve made a mess of zhem. Unless you vant anozher bath, you have to let me change them.”

Jay shook his head quickly and clung to the Medic tightly.

“No.” he breathed. “No. . .”

“Okay. Zhen you have to stay here. Just for a moment.”

The Scout was surprised as the Medic set him down in a very comfortable chair. Jay opened his eyes and looked around as August turned on a reading lamp and settled him against worn pillows. The overstuffed armchair was sage green and had dark, forest green trim. The arms were worn from use and the cushions were soft and enveloping.

It felt safe.

Jay looked up at August curiously as the Medic wrapped him in a deep, mauve coloured blanket.

“It’s pink.”

August smiled wryly.

“No, it is _mauve_.” he replied tucking the Scout securely. “It vas your aunt’s. It vas her favourite blanket. It vas also her favourite colour.  Zhis vas _our_ chair.”

Jay felt daunted by this information and clutched the Medic’s pant leg with his good hand. He held on tightly and shook his head.

“Yours?”

August gently put his fingers over Jay’s. He carefully ran his other hand through the Scout’s damp hair. 

His skin was cooler. That was good.

“Ve vould read stories in zhis chair. Mein children and I.” he said softly.  “It vas vhere Bernie vas cradled vhen she could not sleep. It is vhere Hilde busted her lip on the arm there.  It vas vhere Elsa spoke her first word.  Zhis chair is vhat you need vhen you need it. I cannot tell you how many times zhis spot has made me feel better, _schatz_.

“Zhough you never knew her, I zhink Ameilia vould have been proud of you.”

 


	18. Needles, Cake and Brotherly Hate

Jay looked up with tears streaming down his face.

He trembled and leaned into the Medic’s touch.

“I would give anything to have _one_ parent care about me!” he breathed. “I want someone to care whether I live or die!”

Jay winced and looked at August as the Medic directed his eyes to his own.

August frowned.

“ _I_ care.” he responded firmly.  “Now, do not move until I come back for you.  You can vatch me from here.”

“You won’t leave me?” Jay whispered.

“I have not for zhe past two days.” August said matter of factly. “Vhy vould I start now?”

“What. . what about. . .out _there_!?” Jay asked worriedly. “I mean. . .Helen. . .she. . .”

August held up his palm to silence him.  The Medic shook his head.

“Helen and I go way back, Jay.” he said softly. “Zhat _is_ anozher story for anozher time. However, I have a lot of vacation time she has been begging me to use before she gets in trouble. I took zhe liberty of taking some of it until you are better. Zhere are ozher Medics, and Vlad has vorked vith zhem. Jason and him are doing better zhan he and I do on a good day.”

Jay stared, dumbfounded.

He watched as the Medic tucked him tighter into the chair and stood up.  He tilted his head and followed August as the doctor pulled the IV stand closer to the chair.  He groaned.

“No. . .please. . .”

“I have to, Jay.” August responded looking at the fluid in one of the Saline bags before pulling it off of the hook of the IV stand. “You are still dehydrated. Do you know how many of zhese have gone through you?”

Jay shook his head silently.

“At least seven.” August answered, worriedly. “You have taken in every drop. Vith zhat fever, ve cannot be too careful. I vill push zhem until zhe fever has gone avay for twenty four hours.”

Jay paled as the Medic left the room only to return with a new needle in his hand.  In his other was a new bag of fluids.

“August. . .”

“Trust me, _liebe_.” the Medic breathed as he carefully attached the new needle to a new IV line.  “I von’t hurt you.”

“Yeah, easy for you to say!” Jay retorted loudly. “You ain’t the one gettin’ stabbed!”

August looked at Jay with a calm, loving smile.  He gently reached out and brushed the Scout’s damp locks away from his face.

“Close your eyes, Jay.”

“But. . .”

“Just close your eyes, you silly boy! I promise, you von’t feel a zhing.”

Jay stared at the Medic with a moment of distrust more before clenching his eyes shut and turning his head. The smell of alcohol permeated his senses as August cleaned his left hand. He winced.

He hated needles! God, he _hated_ them!

They did nothing but hurt him! They weren’t good for anything except stabbing, bloody. . .

“Zhere you go, all done.”

The Scout started and turned to his left hand with shock.

He stared as August’s fingers gently taped the new needle to his hand and lovingly patted him on the head.

“Vas zhat so bad?”

Jay looked up at August as the Medic stepped away and began pulling the pillows off of his bed. The Scout stared in wonder while the doctor muttered in German and pulled the pillowcases free of the pillows.

“How’d ya do that, Doc?”

August smiled secretly as Jay stared at him intently.

It was cute. 

It was as if he were a magician about to reveal a secret to a trick.

“My youngest daughter, Hilde, did not like needles eizher.” August replied, pulling the duvet off of his bed. “When she got sick, she had to have shots every day.”

“Every _day_!?” Jay cried incredulously. “Are you serious!?”

“Typhus is a serious disease.” the Medic commented.

Jay winced and looked down.

“I’m sorry.” he breathed. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

August smiled reassuringly and nodded.

“I know you didn’t.” he replied. “Anyvay, she vas like you. She vould run and hide from me and zhe nurses vhen it vas time to administer her medicine. Just like you, she vas a fast runner.”

Jay smiled and watched August pull the stained sheets from the bed.

He desperately wished he could help.

“Must run in the family or somethin’.” he said softly.

The Medic nodded again.

“Jaa. She used to thrash and cry like you, Jay. Until, one day, I told her zhe same zhing I just told you. I told her to close her eyes and just pretend it vasn’t happening. I told her to _trust_ me. After zhe first, few times, she didn’t run anymore. She realised zhat if she just got it over vith quickly, she could get to zhe chocolate cake vone of zhe nurses alvays brought her for her after dinner treat. It vas kind of a reward for being so brave, I guess.”

“Like the kind you and the Big Guy make?”

Jay blushed scarlet as the Medic stopped gathering the soiled laundry and stared at him. He could feel his ears burning as August tilted his head.

“You mean, zhe German Chocolate Cake ve make on holidays?” the Medic asked back.

The Scout nodded.

“Yeah.” he whispered. “I mean. . .just you, me, the Big Guy, Soldier and the Pyro on holidays. It’s. . .kinda nice.  Pyro always makes the best hot chocolate! I mean, last Christmas!? Forget about it!  He even showed Vlad and I how to make S’mores!”

August held his linens in his arms and watched Jay laugh happily.  While he was pleased the boy was more alert, he was concerned that his only happy memories were all here in this desert.  A part of him ached as he slowly turned and put the linens in a hamper inside of the bathroom.

“I zhought zhat all American boys knew how to make zhose zhings.” he said softly. “Didn’t your brozhers teach you?”

Jay’s laughter died almost instantly.

The Medic regretted his words and came back to the bedroom with a shake of his head.

“Jay, forgive me, I. . .”

“My brothers don’t care for me much.” Jay interrupted softly. “I am the runt, you know?”

The Scout looked off out one of the windows. His eyes were calculating while he watched the horizon start to pale and get ever so brighter. He sighed.

“My brothers. . .they don’t much care for my Old Man. It ain’t like they all got the same father, either, it’s just, they are closer in age. The closest brother to me is still four years older than I am. I came along and I was an outcast because _my_ father never married Ma before havin’ me.”

August was silent while the Scout scoffed.  The Medic stood still and watched the young man’s eyes contort in a way he had not seen before. He winced as Jay leaned back.

“Zhe others? Zheir fathers married your mother?” he asked softly.

“Yeah.” Jay replied. “They either died, ran off or divorced her. Some, great guys my Ma finds. If it weren’t for her kids, I don’t think she’d be around anymore.”

August started.

“Vhat?”

Jay looked at the Medic glumly.

“After Cole’s father ran off with one of her best friends, Ma never recovered. That is the bro that is four years older than me. By the time my Old Man came along, she was on the edge about to jump off. To tell you the truth, I guess Aunt Ameilia prolly saved Ma’s life by introducing her to that French whore.

“My Old Man and my Ma. . .they kinda saved each other.”

Jay smiled faintly and shook his head.

“I was an unfortunate accident is all.”

 


	19. The Plan

August frowned and walked forward. He wrapped his arms around the Scout and shook his head.

“No, _liebe_.” he said softly. “You were the catalyst.”

“Catalyst?” Jay asked. “What’s that?”

“The ignition, if you vill.” August tried. “You vere zhe spark of somezhing zhat vas bound to happen sooner or later.  Vhile it is possible for people to find people zhat fit zhem perfectly, it is _impossible_ to change a person. Zhey are who zhey are no matter _how_ much lying and petty charades zhey play.

“If not _you_ , Jay, it vould have been somezhing else, or _someone_ else.”

Jay looked up at August as the Medic gently ran his fingers over the Scout’s cheek. He closed his eyes and leaned into the doctor’s touch with a sigh. He carefully raised his left hand and pressed it against August’s.

“As long as it means I can still stay with you, Doc, I don’ care _what_ it means.”

August smiled again.

“You are precious.”

Jay watched the older man pull away and move toward the armoire near the chair. He followed August’s movements while the Medic pulled out new linens for the bed. He found himself getting tired as he sank back into the cushions.

This chair _was_ comfortable.

August’s methodic movements back and forth around the bed lulled Jay into a slow, steady course toward sleep.  The Scout smiled faintly and let his eyes close.  For the first time in years, he felt safe and at ease.  Even though he was ill and his body felt horrible, someone cared enough about him to take care of him this time.

_This beats lying in my room alone.  August has an amazing view from up here. I never noticed he didn’t sleep with the rest of us. Guess I never paid that much attention, though. I wonder if he has a barrack like this at every spot in the Badlands?_

“Come, Jay. You need to rest.”

The Scout mumbled something in response as his fingers instinctively wrapped around the blanket in his lap. He whined softly and brought it closer to his chest.

He liked the feel of this blanket.  It felt safe.  It felt like it belonged with him.

“You may keep it, _liebe_. I vant you to lie down. You hurt your ankle during zhat run of yours. It needs to be elevated and you need to sleep.”

August’s voice sounded far away as the Medic slid his arms under the Scout’s body and eased him upward, blanket and all. Jay curled in toward August’s chest and shook his head.

“Been asleep. . .two days. . .”

“Not long enough.” August replied easing Jay and the IV Stand back toward the bed.

The new, green sheets were soft and cool against his fingers as he set the Scout down on the mattress.  He carefully propped Jay’s ankle up on another pillow and watched as the younger man clutched the mauve blanket to his chest. He smiled helplessly.

“You _are_ hopeless, child.” he whispered.

August pulled the clean covers over the Scout’s body and eased his fingers beneath the blanket and Jay’s shirt. He listened to the heart monitor carefully as he re-attached the nodes. Jay softly started to snore. His eyes narrowed as he heard the faint skipping.

The Medic carefully pulled his fingers back and moved toward the Infirmary. He quietly picked up his stethoscope from his desk and returned to his bedroom. He closed the door and held the instrument in his hand for a moment before returning to Jay’s bedside.

The Scout’s breath caught in his throat but he did not stir as August slid the stethoscope under  his shirt. The Medic put the ear pieces in his ears and listened intently. His eyes closed and his face fell in a defeated fashion.

It wasn’t just a fluke this time.

The stint was failing.

August pulled the stethoscope back and removed it from his ears. He painfully stared down at the sleeping Scout with a mixture of lament and loathing. 

He had let them do this.

It was _his_ fault.

The BLU Medic slowly turned toward the desk in his bedroom and set the stethoscope on top of the papers strewn about his desktop.  Diagrams, charts and blueprints were spread over the wood like mix-matched puzzle pieces.

They were the closest he had gotten to trying to save Jay from the Fate his father and the RED Medic had thrown upon him.

“At zhis rate, zhere von’t be enough time.” August whispered, looking at the plans. “Even if Dick and I work day in and day out from here, Jay may not make it to zhe surgery. Worse, zhe tables may turn and zhey vill do somezhing vorse.”

The Medic sighed.

“If zhey knew vhat I vas doing, zhey vould.” he replied.

He turned and looked at Jay as the Scout whimpered in his sleep.  He turned the light off on his desk so that the pale light from the bathroom was all that lit the small room.  He slowly went back to the bed and eased under the covers beside Jay. He propped his head up on his elbow and used his other hand to thread his fingers through Jay’s hair.

He smiled as Jay unconsciously leaned into his touch.

The Medic let his fingers gently rake across the Scout’s scalp as the boy slept.

He wouldn’t give up.

The sounds were minute. Even though the machine could pick them up, he still had the upper hand. Jacques and Willem did not know what he was up to at the moment. If he could get a replacement stint created in time, and perform the surgery before the current one gave out, then there was a chance.

There was hope.

As long as that was true, he wasn’t going to give up on this Scout.

He had fought this hard his whole life. He had grown up without love, without a family and in a place that was unforgiving and cruel.

Jay deserved better, and he was going to give that to him.

“Sweet dreams, _schatz_.” August whispered as Jay pulled Ameilia’s blanket closer. “Sleep well.  I vill be right here if you need me.”

With that, the Medic silently continued running his fingers through the Scout’s hair; thinking of a way to stop time from moving forward.

 

 


	20. Medicinal Memories

The sun was past the Midday point by the time Jay managed to open his eyes.  He had been vaguely aware of August getting up in the morning and closing the curtains, but it was a faint memory. The sounds of the heart monitor were in and out of his dreams. He knew that fluids were being continued because he could feel the faint stop in his veins each time August started a new bag of them.

That being said, he really needed to go to the bathroom.

Jay moaned and raised his right hand to his forehead. It felt like he had been hit with a truck. His chest ached miserably as he stared up at the ceiling. He tried to remember what was going on while his vision cleared.

How long had he been asleep?

“ _Guten Tag, Jay_.”

The Scout started and moved his hand away from his face. His eyes fixed on those of the BLU Medic’s as the doctor turned in the chair at his desk. He found himself smiling as August stood up and faced him completely.

“Hey, Doc.” Jay said faintly. “How long did I sleep this time?”

August smiled back.

“Just through zhe morning.” he replied. “Your fever broke just a few hours ago. Zhat vas a good zhing. I vas vorried I vas going to have to try somezhing else.”

Jay shuddered and shook his head.

“You stick me in ice water again and I may have to punch you, August.” he said clutching the blanket across his chest.

“Forgive me, Jay.” August said moving toward the Scout and checking his pulse. “I had to do somezhing to bring zhe fever down. Not to mention, you vere filthy.”

“Who’s fault was that?”

Jay smirked at the Medic as the doctor frowned down at him with false disapproval. The Scout lovingly moved his hand up to August’s wrist and held it in his fingers.

“Sorry. I’m just teasin’.”

“I varned you.” August said simply. “You vere adamant last night.”

“I know that.” Jay murmured. “I don’t regret it, either.”

“Zhen stop complaining.” August chided softly. “Now, let me take your pulse.”

Jay pouted but allowed the Medic to pull his hand away. He remained still while August listened to his heartbeat. He could see the concern pulling at the corners of the doctor’s eyes. It was faint, almost non-existent, but he saw it all the same.

“What’s wrong, August?”

The Medic started.

“Vhat? Vhat do you mean, _liebe_?”

Jay frowned.

August genuinely sounded confused.

“Your eyes. They looked funny for a second when you were listenin’ to my heartbeat.” the Scout said softly. “You. . .looked. . .I dunno. . .scared or somethin’.”

Inside, the Medic scolded himself for allowing his emotions to show. He forced his face to relax as a loving smile spread across his lips.  It was natural. Dealing with death and the infinite nature of human life was all in the course of a doctor’s work.

You learned to lie well.

He had the best poker face in the Badlands.

It wasn’t by choice; it was by trade.

It was how you learned to act when you had to lie to your five year old child and tell her that she would be fine when you knew she would not be. It was how you responded when you were faced with the cruelty of reality. It was the resolution to all difficult equations in life.

It was finite and steadfast.

“You have suffered a fever for nearly three days, Jay.” August said aloud. “You took a strong hit from zhat wretched fence and from zhe charge cart in zhe Infirmary. Even zhough zhe Medi-Gun works many miracles, it cannot undo all zhe damage zhat vas done three days ago. Of course I am going to look vorried.  I do not vant anyzing more to happen to you.

“Not now zhat I am here, anyvay.”

Jay looked at August with a hint of distrust before relaxing back against his pillows.

He trusted him.

He let this man have sex with him for Chrissake! More than that, he’d saved his skin on _numerous_ occasions! If he couldn’t trust his Medic, who _could_ he trust?

“Okay. Just checkin’. . .but ya don’t gotta worry bout me, Doc. I’ll be okay. I wasn’t kiddin’ when I said I was sick all the time as a kid. I think I caught pneumonia before.”

August nodded.

“Jaa. So I have seen.”

Jay seemed interested by this.

“Oh? How’d you know that?”

“Doctors often keep files on zheir patients, Jay.” August said as he walked toward his desk and lifted several file folders. “I took zhe liberty of requesting your charts vhen you vere recruited. Vhen I saw zhat you had, had surgery before coming here, I needed to trace it back.”

“How’d you figure out who my doctor was anyway?”

August frowned.

“I asked your mother.”

Jay raised an eyebrow as the BLU Medic set the Scout’s folders on his desk and turned away. He watched the older man sigh and put his hands on the back of his desk chair. The silence was stifling. The Scout waited a moment longer before laughing softly and easing his body upright.

“I can’t believe she remembered who it was!”

August turned with narrow, green eyes. His face carried traces of an all nighter. His dress shirt was halfway buttoned and untucked from his slacks. He had not bothered to fully dress. He had no intention of going far from the Scout until Jay had woken up and the fever was gone.

He did _not_ want another episode like last night.

Now, he stared at Jay as the young man leaned against the headboard of his bed and brought the mauve blanket up around him. He watched the Scout close his eyes and laugh again. His heart ached under his ribs.

How cruel _had_ the world been to this child before he had arrived?

“I explained zhat it vas important.” he said aloud. “I explained zhat if you vere to be on mein team and under mein care, I vould need all of your medical records. Your father had no idea vhere you vere seen. I had to go to your mother. Vhy vouldn’t she remember vhen her child vas sick and taken to zhe hospital? You had been to zhis doctor numerous times! Surely zhey vere on more zhan “speaking” terms vith your condition.”

Jay looked up at the ceiling.

“Ma never took me. Well, she didn’t after I was older. My brother, James, he took me.”

August glared.

“Vhat?”

Jay nodded and kept his eyes locked upward.

“Yup. Ma took me when I was a baby and shit, but when I was, like, four or five, she had my older brother start takin’ me if I got sick. The doctors questioned it at first, but the guy had seen _all_ of us kids and knew our story, ya know? So, they stopped carin’. As long as the bill was paid, they didn’ care who brought us in to see em.”

“But, vhat about zhe hospital stays!?”

August’s voice was terse and irritated. It had an edge to it that Jay recognised as hatred right away. The Scout met the Medic’s eyes with a faint smile on his face.

“What about them, Doc?” Jay asked. “The doctor would tell me I had somethin’ that required hospitalization and they would send me over. My brother would sign me in and leave me there until I was discharged. That was all.”

 


	21. Fever Breaker

This information stunned the Medic. He stared stupidly for a moment before letting his features harden. He tried to will the anger away as he closed his eyes and breathed through his nose.

“Don’ worry about it, August. It’s in the past, aight?” Jay said looking off to the side. “Besides, I got the best doctor ever, now, right?”

August couldn’t help but melt under the Scout’s smile. The boy trusted him completely. It was a sinful game he was playing. In the game of chance, there was always a loser.

Someone _always_ lost.

The Medic’s smile was flawless as he nodded.

“Jaa. You do.” he whispered.

“Good! Glad that’s settled!” Jay said with a nod. “Cause I would really, really like to use the bathroom. . .like. . . _now_.”

Jay didn’t know whether to be disgusted or amused by August’s delighted response to his statement. He looked at the Medic as the doctor nodded enthusiastically.

“Zhat is vunderbar!” August said aloud. “Zhat means your body is finally processing zhe fluids and you are re-hydrating! Excellent!”

“Yeah, whoohoo, I have to take a piss; now c’mon and unhook me from this thing here!” Jay whined.

August shook his head.

“ _Nein_. You stay attached to zhat “zhing” until I am convinced zhis fever is past. Come. I vill help you.”

Jay’s face flushed as the Medic eased him upward. He allowed August to untangle his legs from the blankets and assist him to his feet. The feel of the older man’s muscles against his own made him remember more of last night and he had to stifle a moan as the doctor hoisted him upright.

“Can you stand?” August asked innocently.

His focus was on his patient’s health entirely.

Jay nodded and put weight on his left ankle with a wince.

He must have really cracked it good.

“I vas vorried zhat zhe ankle did not heal properly.” August said with a soft sigh. “Can you valk?”

“Yeah, it ain’t a big deal.” Jay answered relying on August’s support to stay standing. “I have hurt my ankles lots of times before. I mean, I am a runner. It happens, right?”

“It vouldn’t if you vouldn’t have been building a resistance to mein Medi-Gun.” August said with a deep frown.

“I said I was going to stop.” Jay said, blush spreading through his neck. “I said I was sorry.”

The Scout looked up at the Medic begrudgingly as August lifted his chin toward him.  The doctor’s eyes were a deep, emerald green colour. They stared at him as if staring right through him. He tried to advert his eyes, but August held firm.

“It is not _you_ who should be apologising, Jay.”

Jay looked up at August with surprise. He watched the Medic for a moment before wincing and looking down.

“Good luck getting one from my Old Man.” he mumbled.

He frowned.

“I can walk on it if you help me.” he said softly. “I am dyin’ here.”

August did not waste anymore time. He put the Scout’s left hand around the IV Stand and carefully put his arm around the boy’s slender waist. He eased Jay forward making sure that the majority of the Scout’s weight was being supported by _his_ body.

Jay shivered sub-consciously as his pale feet stepped onto the cold, white tiles of the bathroom. He closed his eyes and focused on moving forward. He was comforted by the Medic’s firm grasp around his body.

“Can you stand long enough on your own? Did you vant me to help?”

The Scout reared his head back with a deep blush in his face. He shook his head and covered his front half protectively.

“I can do it myself!”

August smiled faintly.

“It is nozhing I haven’t seen before, Jay.”

“Just. . .Just get outta here!” the Scout spat. “I can go to the damn bathroom by myself! I ain’t that damn sick!”

The Medic laughed softly and kissed Jay’s forehead.

It was much cooler now.

“You are precious, Jay.” he murmured. “Fine. I vill vait outside zhe door. Call for me if you need me, zhen.”

Jay was going to fire another insult, but found that his voice was caught in his throat.  He grinned instead and nodded.

“Okay.”

The Scout’s eyes followed the Medic out the bathroom door before turning back to business at hand. He had never had to go to the bathroom so badly in his life. Whatever the hell these “fluids” were made out of, it was flying through his kidneys.

Jay finished and sighed. He limped over to the sink and carefully washed his hand. He was careful to keep the bandages dry on his right hand as he turned the water off in the sink. He looked at the mirror hanging over the sink and noticed how pale his face had become.

He hardly recognised himself.

“Are you all done, _liebe_?”

Jay shook his head clear and put his left hand back around the IV Stand beside him.

“Yeah, Doc. I’m decent.”

August returned to the bathroom in that graceful, regal way he walked into any room. He smiled warmly and came to the Scout’s side with a nod.

“Better?”

Jay nodded.

“Much.” the Scout replied. “I still feel like shit, though.”

August carefully put his arm around Jay’s waist and supported the Scout’s weight as they walked back toward the bedroom.

“Zhat does not surprise me.” he said gently. “Your lungs look terrible. Had you been feeling ill before zhat incident vith Nero?”

Jay struggled to remember that far back as the Medic helped him back into the bed.

“I. . .I don’t _think_ so. . .” he said with obvious doubt. “. . .but, like I said, August, I get sick a lot. Prolly cause that asshole and his asshat of a partner fucked around with my heart.  I ain’t felt right since I got here. . .so. . .you know.”

August made a small noise in his throat. He watched as Jay settled back against the pillows and brought Ameilia’s blanket closer. He shook his head.

“I am sorry I could not stop zhem.” he said softly. “I should have suspected somezhing vhen I heard zhe rumour a child vas being brought on board.  By zhe time Helen told me about you, it vas too late. Zhere vas no evidence on you, but mein brother vas happy to share his vork vith me. You are a prized experiment.”

Jay scoffed and pulled the mauve blanket tighter to his chest.

“No offence, Doc, but I’d really like to take a bat to your brother’s brains and rip his heart out with my bare hands.”

“I feel zhe same.”

Jay looked up at August with a painful countenance.

“God, I’m sorry, August! I didn’. . .I mean, I didn’. . .what I meant was. . .”

August smiled and gently ran his hand through Jay’s hair. His eyes were kind and fond while the Scout moaned softly.  He enjoyed the Scout leaning into his touch hungrily.  He trailed his fingertips across Jay’s jaw and tilted his chin upward.

“It is all right, _liebe._ ” the Medic whispered. “I know you don’t mean anyzhing by it.”

Jay smiled helplessly.

The Medic was a good guy.

_His kids musta really loved him._

 


	22. Blacklisted

The Scout remained silent as August kissed the top of his head and moved back to his desk. He watched the doctor grab his lab coat from the back of the chair with a raised eyebrow.

“Whatcha doin’?”

“Going to meet vith Jason regarding somezhing.” August replied grabbing several folders on his desk. “Today zhe teams are moving on to 2Fort.  I need to converse vith him before zhe team leaves.”

Jay felt a wrench twist his gut into a knot. He felt panic creep into his heart while August turned to look at him.

August frowned.

“Vill you be all right, Jay?” he asked seriously. “You look pale again. Is somezhing wrong?”

Jay shook his head and smiled faintly.

“I. . .am just. . .tired.” he managed softly. “It’s nothin’.”

August looked at the Scout, unconvinced.

“You are a bad liar, Jay.” he said back.

“Cause I don’ lie.” Jay retorted sourly.

He pulled Ameilia’s blanket closer and turned his head away. He stared at the pictures on the wall with a frown of his own.

“I just didn’ know the teams were moving.” he said, softer. “I figured my Old Man would try to sneak in here or somethin’.”

“I met vith him a day after you fell unconscious.” August replied as he grabbed something out of a drawer.  “You know he is not allowed in mein Infirmary vhen you are in it.”

Jay was surprised by this answer and looked at the Medic with a raised eyebrow. He stared while the Medic looked at him with concern.

“Do not vorry, _schatz_.” August breathed. “It vill be all right.  You have been Blacklisted until you are better anyvay.”

“WHAT?” Jay cried, leaning forward. “You _BLACKLISTED ME_!?”

August quickly moved forward and restrained the Scout before he could clench his fists or launch toward him. He sighed and held Jay still while the younger man fumed.

“I did not Blacklist you, Jay.” he said evenly. “Helen did.”

Jay stopped thrashing long enough to stare up at the Medic with shock.

“What?”

August nodded.

“Vhen she read my report regarding your cardiac arrest, and knowing zhat you vere mein brother’s “experiment,” she put you on Blacklist until you have improved.”

A kind of defeat ran through the Scout’s face as he tried to come to terms with what was going on around him. He could hear his father’s voice screaming at him from the dark as he began to physically tremble. He was feeling sick again as his fingers dug into August’s arms.

The Medic looked at Jay with a start. He shook his head and dropped his folders to the bed so he could put a hand against the Scout’s face.

“Jay? Jay, vhat’s wrong?”

Jay wasn’t listening. He was miles away from where the Medic was beside him. He was out on the battlefield. He could hear the rockets clamouring above him and the Demoman’s sticky bombs going off around him. He could feel the stifling heat from inside that horrible rat hole beneath 2Fort.

The smell of molded wood and the feel of ice cold water against his face made him shake harder.

The memory had never been this vivid before now.

Why was he having this memory now?

Oh, that’s right.

Blacklist.

_“Do you UNDERSTAND me you wretched, little shit!?”_

_“Yes! Yes! I understand!”_

_“Aw, zhat cut on his forehead is really bleeding. Look at all zhe blood he got in mein water bucket.”_

Ah. The bucket. That was _his_ favourite. Drowning him like a fuckin’ rat. That was Willem’s style. He liked to watch his prey thrash around a bit. It made his blood race a little faster through those acidic veins of his.

_“Do not kill him, Willem. I have to send a picture of him to Sophie in a few days. Try to keep it civil.”_

_“Civil? Oh, Jacques, you take all zhe fun out of torture.”_

Gasping. He was gasping for air. God, he couldn’t _breathe_.

That was the day his father broke his arm. 

Yeah.

He remembered that.

It was the first time he had tried to run away.  He had missed two battles that day and had been Blacklisted.  Since his Old Man cashed in on his paycheck every week, when he wasn’t out there fighting, he was _costing_ money.

No one cost Jacques Merquise _anything_.

_“Listen to me, you little bastard. You miss one, more battle. . .I don’t see your ridiculous face out on that miserable stretch of desert. . .you are going to wish I had let Willem drown you like the filthy rat you are. Because what **I** will do to you will be far worse, **petit**. Do I make myself clear?”_

_“Yes, Sir!”_

_“Sir. Listen to him, Jacques. So polite when he’s being abused.”_

_“Must be his mother’s influence on him. Amazing he learned manners in that heathen household of his.”_

Blacklisted.

Oh. . oh, God. . .

How many battles had he missed already!?

“JAY! _Hör auf! Jay! Nein! Wach auf!_ ”

 


	23. Breakdown

August reared back and held the Scout over the bedside as the Bostonian violently threw up all over the place. His eyes were narrow and deadly as blood spilled across the wooden planks and the old, woven rug beneath his bed.  The colour was a deep, mutated garnet and it left vivid trails against Jay’s chin.

The Medic could feel the Scout’s heart racing beneath his arm as Jay choked on his sobs. Tears were a mess across Jay’s face as the boy fell limp against him.

“I’m. . .I’m. . .sorry! I’m sorry! I. . .won’t. . .do. . .it. . .again!”

Jay’s voice was strangled and barely audible. His face was terrified. His eyes were still faraway and cloudy as he began to rock back and forth.

August looked down at the Scout with a look somewhere between horror and realisation. Anger crept into the Medic’s face as he held the sobbing child closer.

“ _Je suis désolé! S'il vous plaît. S'il vous plaît ne pas me noyer. S'il vous plaît. Je suis désolé!_ ”

Before August could question Jay any further, he heard the door to his Infirmary open. The Medic glared for a moment before he heard Vladimir’s familiar voice. His face softened and he sighed softly.

“Jaa! I am in mein room, Vlad!” he called.

The Scout was sobbing and clutching his arms as the door to the Medic’s room opened slowly. Jay cried out and tried to move away.

“ _Non! Restez à l'écart! Evadez-vous de moi!_ ”

August held the boy tighter in his arms and wrapped both of them around the tiny, shaking frame. He pulled Ameilia’s blanket up around Jay and whispered into his hair as Vladimir entered the bedroom accompanied by a small, thin man in a uniform similar to August’s own.

“Jesus Christ!” the smaller man cried, shocked. “What in the hell happened!? I thought you said he was getting better!”

August frowned and reached for a washrag in a water basin near the bed. He wrung it out and gently began cleaning Jay’s face.

“He vas.” he stated simply. “Somezhing. . .somezhing I said triggered an attack of some sort. Like a seizure.”

The smaller man frowned and walked forward. He stopped short when he noticed the blood on the floor.

“Did he throw all of that _up_?”

“Jaa. Just now.” August said softly. “He hasn’t eaten for three days. I vas hoping to coax him to eat somezhing today.”

The Medic looked at his counterpart with a shake of his head.

“Sorry I vas late.”

The stand in BLU Medic grinned as he waved his hand.

“The Big Guy and I are ridin’ with Dick outta here later this afternoon. Apparently, he’s workin’ on somethin’ big and needed a bit more time here with his _toys_. We figured it would be easier if we came to visit _you_.”

“I appreciate it.” August said putting the washrag back in the basin and cradling Jay against his chest. “I did not expect zhat.”

“Well, what do you suppose did it?” the man asked as he rolled up his white shirt sleeves. “Let me see his eyes, August.”

August silently adjusted his hold on the Scout as the other man reached forward slowly. He whispered softly into Jay’s hair as the Scout whimpered and cringed away.

“It’s all right, Jay. I’m not going to hurt you.” the other Medic replied gently. “The name’s Jason. Unlike my friendly counterpart here, I happen to keep my medical license _current_.”

August glared scathingly as the dark skinned Italian laughed at his own, dry humour.

“Yet, your bedside manner is deplorable.” he said tightly.

“Aw, you’re no fun.” Jason D’Agustine said with a frown. “You really aren’t.”

Jason carefully put his hands against Jay’s face and eased the Scout’s chin upward. He observed the tight pain in the boy’s muscles as the runner trembled.  He slowly pulled on Jay’s eyelids to look at the colour of his eyes and the size of his pupils.

“How long ago did the attack start?” he asked seriously.

He frowned as he tilted the Scout’s side toward the pale light coming in from under the curtains.

“Just a few moments ago.” August answered. “Just before you and Vladimir came into zhe Infirmary.”

Jason gently let go of Jay’s eyelids and moved his hands toward the young man’s neck.

He held his hands up so Jay could see them as the Scout reared back in terror. He watched tears spill over the Scout’s cheeks as his fingers clutched August’s lab coat.

“ _S'il vous plaît. Je suis désolé! Je ne manquerai pas un autre! Je le jure! S'il vous plaît, ne me blesse pas._ ”

Jason looked at August for a translation as Jay buried his face in the Lead Medic’s chest. Instead, he found a burning anger that was spreading across his teammate’s face.

“August?”

The German hatefully turned to Jason as his eyes narrowed into tiny, green slits. He held the Scout protectively and wrapped the blanket tighter around the pale, shaking body. He pulled the boy onto his lap and tried to collect his thoughts.

“Zhey vill _pay_ for zhis.” he hissed. “BOTH OF ZHEM.”

 


	24. Second in Command

Jason gently lifted his palms to ease the tension as Vladimir stepped forward with worry.

“Take it easy, August.” he said softly. “Getting upset isn’t going to help Jay or you. Now, what did he say. I don’t speak French.”

“He asked you not to hurt him.” August responded tersely. “He _begged_ you, actually. He said he would not miss another one if you wouldn’t hurt him.”

Jason looked confused.

“Miss another ‘what,’ exactly?”

“Battle.” August hissed. “Zhat’s vhat set him off.  I told him zhat Helen had. . .”

August stopped as Jay seized in his arms. He quickly shushed the Scout and whispered to him in German until the boy’s body had eased back. He sighed and closed his eyes.

“It vas a trigger word.  It must have reminded him of somezhing his father and mein brother did to him.”

Jason looked at the Scout pitifully.

He winced before shaking his head.

“If I am going to help, Jay, I need to feel your lymph nodes and have you calm down a bit for me, all right?”

The Scout stared blankly at the man in front of him. He heard without hearing. He saw without seeing.  His body felt horrible. His lungs hurt. His heart hurt. His head hurt.

Everything _hurt_.

“It is all right, Jay.  He von’t hurt you.  You can trust him.”

Jay felt gentle hands against his scalp.  Fingers were threading through his hair in a familiar action.  The motions were calming as he relaxed under a touch he recognised by feeling alone. His breathing was ragged in his throat as another pair of hands softly touched his neck.

He focused on the hands in his hair while Jason felt his throat and under his jaw and ears.

“Swollen, but that would be expected from someone with pneumonia.” Jason sighed as he pulled away. “The seizures aren’t exactly a good thing, though.”

“God only knows how many triggers zhere are.” August whispered.

“Don’t blame yourself for this one.” Jason said with a frown. “You didn’t know about Jacques’ sick sense of parenthood. Besides, I didn’t think your brother knew enough about _actual_ medicine to accomplish anything.”

“You underestimated him, zhen.” August replied.

The BLU Medic frowned and nodded his head at the folders haphazardly spread across his bed.

“Zhose vere vhat I vas going to talk to you about. Dick can tell you more about it. Zhat’s probably vhat he vas vorking on today.”

Jason took the folders in his hands and opened the one on top. His eyebrow rose as he looked at August.

“Are you serious?”

August nodded and put a finger to his lips.

“ _Он не знает._ ”

Jason sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Do Jacques or your brother?” he asked back.

“No.”

Vladimir looked at the two Medics carefully as he watched them stare at one another. He knew what was at stake.  It did not take a rocket scientist to figure that out.

After a long moment, Jason closed the folder and nodded.

“I don’t know much about the subject, but I suppose I could brush up on it. Do I have time?”

“As long as nozhing else happens, yes.” August said softly. “Zhe last go vith zhat _wall_ of his hurt him more zhan he realises. You can hear it now. Zhe _machine_ can hear it.”

Jason looked down painfully as August held Jay tighter.

“Don’t worry, August.” he said, finally. “Vlad and I will see what we can do. Two sets of hands and two Medi-Guns are better than one, right?”

August smiled thankfully and nodded.

“Jaa.”

Jason smiled back.

“Good. Did you need anything? Will you two be okay by yourselves?”

August nodded.

“We vill be fine. Zhe calm vill do him some good. I vill have to find out about. . .zhis. . . _memory_.”

“Be careful.” Jason warned. “Causing another seizure like this may cause his symptoms to get worse.  Agitating him isn’t wise.”

August was silent for a moment before nodding.

“You’re right.” he admitted. “I am letting mein own hatred get the best of me.”

“You care about the boy.” Jason said shaking his head. “It makes sense that you are mad. But, this has been a traumatic shock on his system. I would watch out for ulcers to be honest, August. I have experienced coughing until you throw up blood, but that is ridiculous.”

August frowned as Jason pointed at the floor.

“He has not eaten in days.”

“I would try to coax something into him, then.” Jason warned. “Either that or you are going to have to start a feeding tube. I can only imagine how he would react to _that_.”

August shook his head and looked down at the Scout.

“It von’t get zhat bad.” he said softly. “It vill be better vhen he does not have to fear his father.”

“Asking for a miracle.” Jason said seriously. “You cannot undo his entire life, August. No matter how much you may want to, you just can’t.”

“I know zhat!” August snapped hatefully. “Don’t you zhink zhat I know zhat!? If I could take him avay from here, I vould! He vill die here if ve don’t do somezhing, Jason. He vill die. If I don’t find a vay to save him before his father turns on him, zhen I vill have failed him.”

 


	25. Surgery and Pancakes

Vladimir winced and looked down at the floor while Jason unrolled his shirt sleeves. The Heavy looked up at the smaller Medic as Jason sighed.

“Then you know what he’s going to do when he figures out about _this_?”

August looked at Jason with a glare.

“I vill stop zhem if zhey try. Zhey don’t know about it.”

Jason shook his head.

“Not about the stint, August.” he said sternly. “About _you_ two?”

The BLU Medic was startled as Jason gestured between the German and the Scout lying in his arms. He found he did not have an answer for this question.  He hadn’t thought about Jacques’ reaction if he found out that Jay was homosexual on _top_ of being his son.

Jason closed his eyes.

“I better get cracking on those text books.” he said softly. “I have a feeling we are going to need to move fast on this one.”

August remained silent while Jason looked at the folders in his hands.

“Can I take these?” the other Medic asked.

August nodded.

“Jaa. I have his charts memorised.” he replied.

Jason nodded.

“Don’t worry, August. Worrying will upset him. Just try to be there for him. It is hard to love someone who doesn’t know what love is.”

“That’s just it.” August said looking up at Jason. “It’s _too easy_ to love him.”

Jason watched sympathetically as Jay moaned in the Medic’s arms and curled in closer to the German’s chest.  He looked down at the blueprints in the file in his hand and thought silently for a few moments. After a minute he closed the folder and looked at August.

“Keep the kid here, August.”

This caused the Medic to look up with a frown.

“Vhere else vould he go?”

“The trigger word?” Jason asked looking at his counterpart. “There is a reason he is afraid of it. I am guessing he doesn’t get to keep anything he makes, so the longer he stays out of it, the more money he’s costing his Old Man. Something terribly traumatic must have happened to him. Something that would make him want to get back on that battlefield just to keep it from happening _again_.”

August looked down at Jay with stun as the Scout gasped for breath and tried to speak.  He carefully put his hands against the runner’s shoulders. He watched as Jay’s eyes filled with more tears.

“He’ll. . .he’ll kill me!”

Jason nodded as Jay choked out the words.

“See. I told you.” he replied looking at August.

August frowned before looking back at Jay and putting a hand against his face.

“Jay. Calm down. You have to breazhe. He von’t be able to kill you if I kill him first.”

Jay looked up at the Medic like he was crazy. Tears were streaming down his face and his blue eyes were bloodshot and cloudy.  He seemed confused as air wheezed through his throat.

“What?”

August nodded once.

“I promised to protect you, _schatz_.  I love you.  I von’t let him hurt you.”

Jay’s eyes narrowed as he shook his head again.

“Aug. . .August. . .he. . .and Willem. . .they. . .”

August put his finger against Jay’s lips to silence him. The Medic smiled faintly and shook his head.

“Shh. No more talking.”

Jay fell silent and looked up as Jason cleared his throat.

“I’d advise that you keep yourself _here_ , Jay.” the secondary Medic said aloud. “You are safer here. Jacques and Willem aren’t going to risk exposing themselves by staying here just to punish you. Helen will be expecting them to do something that stupid. While I admire that you are thinking like your father, he isn’t going to try anything so long as Helen is wielding the power.

“Trust me on that one.”

Again, the Scout remained silent. He watched Vladimir as the large Heavy set something on the Medic’s desk. His eyebrows rose as the Russian folded his hands over his chest and looked at him.

“Da.” Vladimir said softly. “Docktor good man. He von’t let anyzhing happen to leetle Scout. But, be careful. Be careful of Spy.”

The larger man looked down at the item he had set on the Medic’s desk. He frowned and bit his lip. He was searching for the words.

“Hey. . .is. . .I mean. . .are those _pancakes_?”

Vladimir looked at the Scout as Jay managed to pull himself away from August’s chest. The Russian grinned happily and nodded.

“Oh! Da! That is vord!” he exclaimed. “Leetle Scout missed Pancake Day. I made some special this morning. I even save some syrup. Lucas helped.”

Someone may as well have told Jay that he had inherited a million dollars. The light returned to his eyes and a smile crossed his face as he grinned back at the Heavy.

“You’re all right, Big Guy.”

Vladimir smiled and nodded.

“Vatch out for Docktor. He worry too much sometimes.”

August seemed offended.

“I do _not_.” he replied.

Jay smiled faintly.

“Yeah, but, I kinda like the attention.” he said softly. “Don’t worry, Vlad. I’ll take care of him.”

August looked down at the Scout with surprise before looking up at Jason.

“I won’t let anyone get a hold of the kid’s charts.” Jason said aloud.  “They will have to get past the knife in their eye first.”

“Watch out for my Old Man.” Jay said softly. “And for Willem. If either of them know about you bein’ nice to me. . .”

“Oh, you don’t have to worry about me, kid.” Jason replied with a smirk. “Jacques wouldn’t fuck with me if he had to be stuck in a one room _cell_ and had to _kill_ me to get out. Willem? Let’s just say that he and I could tangle a few rounds and lose a few fingers before the pussy caved in to whatever I told him.”

Jay stared at Jason with a sense of indigence.

Was this guy _mocking_ him?

“I vill explain vhen he leaves.” August breathed softly against his ear.

Jay looked up at the Medic as the doctor settled him against his pillows and wrapped Ameilia’s blanket tighter around his body.  He watched August avoid the blood on the floor as he went to bid Vladimir and Jason farewell.

The Scout watched the trio curiously as the Heavy and Secondary Medic waved at him. He tilted his head to the side as August turned to him with a quick frown.

“Stay right vhere you are, Jay.” he warned. “I vill be right back.”

Jay nodded.

August paused a moment longer before nodding and turning away from the room. The door closed behind him softly. The room was silent save for the cooing of the Medic’s birds in the eaves above.

The Scout looked up at them and watched.

It was weird having people care about him.

 


	26. By Shadow and Bullet

“I thought he would _never_ leave. As if D’Augustine had the chance. . .”

Jay turned his head, terrified.  He stared at the door as it locked shut. The deadbolt slid closed as the RED Spy materialised in the BLU Medic’s room. The Scout felt his heart racing as the machine picked up its tempo beside him.

Jacques briskly walked over to his son and pulled the electrodes from his chest. He watched Jay flinch before forcefully yanking the needle from the Scout’s hand. He relished pressing his fingers over the young man’s lips and throat. He applied growing pressure as blood began to stain the sheets.

He could feel Jay’s pulse humming beneath his fingertips.

Jay felt sick again.  His lungs strained while his father tightened the grip around his neck. His eyes stared in disbelief.

How had he gotten into the BLU Medic’s office!?

“I have been waiting for almost two days.” Jacques hissed, reading his son’s expression. “I was hoping the bastard would move, but he wasn’t careless this time. That, and I have a great deal of _patience_.

“I believed I had made it perfectly clear what would happen to you if you missed another mission.  I do not care if you are _dying_ , _you_ are to be on that field.”

Jay nodded.

He willed the tears away as Jacques yanked him to his feet.  The floor spun and his ankle quickly gave out.  He made a feeble cry when the Spy kicked him in the ribs.

“Get up you miserable brat.” Jacques snarled.

When the Scout failed to push himself from the floor, Jacques growled and pulled Jay up by the neck.  He activated his Invisibility Cloak and waited. He heard the BLU Medic coming back to the Infirmary.

“One word and I will make you suffer worse that you will already. Do you understand?” the Spy hissed, keeping his hand over the boy’s mouth.

Jay nodded again.

Jacques carefully dragged Jay back to the corner of the room where he had been hiding.  He silently slid the deadbolt back and unlocked the door.  He waited as the Medic removed something from the Infirmary and turned the doorknob.

Jay’s face turned down in horrible strain.  He struggled feebly as August returned to the room. The Medic’s violin case dropped to the floor as he stared at the empty bed in horror.

“Be quiet!”

The Spy’s voice whispered against the Scout’s ear.  The hand clamped down harder around his face as Jay felt the tip of his father’s butterfly knife against his throat.

“Jay!?”

_“He sounds really scared.”_

Jay painfully closed his eyes and tried to calm his breathing. He heard the Medic go into the bathroom.  Tears slowly coursed their way out of his eyes.

The Spy hissed and reared back as Jay slobbered all over his hand.  The knife slid across his neck, opening a new wound.  It stung as the Scout shoved Jacques back as hard as he could.

“Aug. . . _AUGUST_!”

Jay tumbled to the floor as the Invisibility Cloak was disrupted. He cried out softly and brought his hands to his neck.

Was it cruel to break someone’s heart to escape your own pain? Was it betrayal when you would rather die than keep living a life of pain, even if you loved someone with all your heart?

“You miserable, little _bastard_!”

“ _NEIN_!”

August tore out of the bathroom as Jacques removed his revolver from his jacket. The Medic barreled toward the Spy as Jay struggled to his feet.

“Stop!” he breathed. “NO!”

August stared at the Scout, stunned, as Jay threw himself into his waist, knocking him to the ground. The sound of the Ambassador echoed in the room as the younger man groaned.

He had been shot before.  At this point, he had no fear of it.  As the bullet went into his right lung, Jay whispered something incoherent. Blood slid from between his lips as his heart skipped a beat.

He closed his eyes.

“Jay!”

August looked up, terrified, as a new bullet was loaded into the Ambassador’s chamber. He held Jay closer and hardened his gaze.

“ _You_ are zhe bastard.”

Jay made an attempt to scream as Jacques fired the weapon and the Medic fell backward.  Blood trickled from a bullet wound in August’s forehead.  The German’s eyes stared upward as his hands fell from Jay’s arms.

The Scout shook his head and attempted to grab August’s shirt in his hands. His cries were choked by blood as his father grabbed him by his hair and pulled him up.

“I had warned him to stay out of my business.” Jacques hissed, dragging Jay behind him. “He did not listen.”

He had approximately five minutes until Respawn caught the Medic.

The Spy pulled out his Disguise Kit and quickly disguised as the BLU Medic he had just killed.

Jay wailed.

It was nothing the Spy had heard before. As he grabbed his son, he could feel the Scout’s body shaking.  His eyes narrowed as Jay began sobbing in German.

As he walked into the BLU Medic’s Infirmary, the RED Spy realised the reason why.

Jay looked up at the mirage of his lover.  His eyes narrowed when a blue, gloved hand squeezed around his throat.  His lungs struggled as the disguised Spy glared hatefully.

“You disgusting pieze of filzhe.”

The words were a mixture of August’s voice and Jacques’ own. Cold, green eyes bore into the Scout as the Spy clutched the youth’s neck harder.

“Vorse zhan being a pain in _mein_ ass, you enjoy taking it in _yours_.”

Jay pulled his eyes away from the Spy’s.  He stared at the real August lying on the floor. Tears slid down his face as his father carried him away from the Infirmary.

“If you zhink zhat I vill stand for zhis disgusting turn of events, you are mistaken, Jay.”

The Scout tried to drown out his father’s voice.  His body ached as blood slid from the bullet wound in his back.  He trembled when he was taken outside the BLU Base and the Spy’s Invisibility Cloak activated.

“If you want to be sodomized like a filthy, little slut, then I think I can arrange that.”

Jay looked up at Jacques as the Spy’s normal form returned. He groaned when Jacques opened the trunk of a vehicle and threw him inside.  He stared up at the Spy with tired, distant eyes. He knew his fear was showing.

Jacques stared coldly.

“You are one promise to Sophie I am going to have to break.” he whispered. “I will not allow a bastard homosexual to carry _my_ name.”

Without another word, the Spy slammed the trunk shut.  Darkness enveloped the Scout.  He curled into a tight ball and shook.

This was it.

His father was going to finally finish him.  It was bittersweet.  He’d wanted nothing more than for someone to end his life.  Now, when he had a reason to live and someone who loved him, he was going to get his wish.

The car rumbled to life and began moving.  Fumes from the exhaust made Jay’s head dizzy. He spit up blood and closed his eyes.

“I am so sorry, August.” he whispered. “I am so sorry I have to hurt you. Please don’t hate me, man. Please don’t be sad! It’s better this way.”

Tears slid down the Scout’s face and mixed with blood from his wounds.

The salt stung.

“Thank you for loving me, Doc.” Jay breathed, falling unconscious. “Thank you for making me believe my life was worth something. . .

“Thank you!”


	27. After the Respawn

August von Dette gasped for breath and stumbled forward into the Respawn Chamber.  His eyes were electric as he put his hand against the white, tiled wall.  His heartbeat was racing as he tried to regain the last 15 minutes of his memory.

“JAY!”

The Medic tore through the exit and into the Staging Area outside Respawn.  He stumbled through a corridor that connected the Respawn to his Infirmary.  His face was a mixture of horror and fear as he saw the trail of blood from his room to the Infirmary exit.

His body began to shake.

August ran to his desk and picked up the phone.  His hands trembled as he dialed a number. The phone rang several times before a cheerful voice answered on the other end.

“BLU Industries Engineering Department, Richard speakin’!”

“Richard! It’s August! Jay’s been taken!”

“Whoa! Hold on, partner! Slow down! What d’ya mean _taken_!? Vlad and Jason just saw you both!”

The voice had a slow, Texan drawl, but it was sharp and aware. It sounded concerned when August sighed.

“It vas Jacques!” August cried. “He vas in mein office zhe entire time. He vas vaiting for me to leave Jay alone! He’s taken Jay! Mein brozher is in 2Fort! He vould have gone zhere! Zhe bastard shot me and sent me to Respawn!”

“Calm down, August! We’ll come back for ya!”

“ _Nein_!” August barked. “I vill find mein vay! Get zhere as fast as you can! Try to find zhem!”

“August, was Jay hurt worse when Jacques took him? Goddammit. . .I should have known he would do something so fucking underhanded!”

Jason’s voice was calm, but deadly as he took the phone from Richard.

August winced.

“His father ripped out his IV.” he answered. “Jacques tried to use his Invisibility Cloak to avoid me. He cut the side of Jay’s neck open. . .he. . .Jay. . .”

“August. _What. Happened_?” Jason asked sharply.

August put his face in his hand and trembled.

“Jay pushed me out of zhe vay of Jacques’ first shot.” he whispered. “Zhe bullet is lodged in his lung.”

Jason cursed and ordered Richard to drive faster.

“August, you _have_ to stay calm!  We will do all we can.  Get to 2Fort as soon as you can with your Mobile Medi and the rest of Jay’s files. Do you hear me!?”

“Jaa.” August breathed.

“We will hurry.” called Vladimir.

August hung up the phone, numb.  He stared at the door to his room while the sun glittered over red splotches of blood. His eyes narrowed.

He had sustained an injury to save him. Worse, his voice had called for him and he couldn’t save him.

The Medic’s face turned into a miserable grimace before becoming cold and hateful.

“Not again.” he hissed. “You vill not take from me again, brozher.”

August launched forward.  He grabbed a new lab coat and his Medi-gun from its charging station. He glared and pulled his Needle Gun from its shelf. As he strapped the charging pack to his back, the Medic went into his room and grabbed the remaining files off of his desk.

Before leaving, something compelled the man to turn. His eyes fell on the mauve blanket that had been thrown aside.  Sunlight fell across the soft, woven patterns.  A whisper pressed against the Medic’s ear.

Without a word, August moved forward and grabbed the blanket.  He folded it over his arm and turned on his heel. His eyes were shielded by the glare of his glasses.

“ _Verzeihen Sie mir, Ameilia._ ” he said softly “ _Ich konnte ihn nicht schonen._ ”

The Medic hurried from the Infirmary and raced through the BLU Base.

When he had gone, a soft wind brushed over something on August’s desk. Whispering followed a picture the floor. In it, a woman smiled next to an older man.

_I am sorry I led him to her._


	28. Final Sin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING - RAPE / NON-CON AHEAD

“WAKE UP YOU WRETCHED BRAT!”

Jay gasped for breath as his head was pulled from the depths of a cold, icy pool of water. He coughed and sputtered as his eyes tried to focus. He could see the RED Medic’s boots as the German held him by his hair.

“Your fazher gave you a command!”

Jacques crossed his arms and waited while Willem von Dette shoved his son’s head under the water. He frowned when Jay’s face re-emerged.

“Please. . .” the Scout breathed.

Willem grinned. His eyes were cold.

“Vhere is zhat fighting spirit from a few days ago, Jay?” he laughed. “Did zhe feel of a cock in your ass turn you into a squalling, mewling woman?”

Jay winced as the Medic threw his head backward.  He could feel his arms tied behind his back. The muscles pulled in vain while the German hissed at him.  He was naked and bleeding, but he had not bled out. The Scout’s eyes moved to where the RED Medic’s Medi-Gun was sitting on a table.

Its healing rays were turned on him.

Jay trembled.

He met his father’s eyes as Jacques forced his head toward his own. He could feel the hatred pouring from the taller man.

“From this moment on, you are dead to us.” Jacques said indifferently. “After today, your mother will be told that you went Missing in Action. In a few months, they will find your body in the desert with a gunshot wound in your skull and the weapon by your side. A suicide. Plain and simple.

“I will not allow you to embarrass her with your blasphemous sins.”

Jay’s eyes filled with tears. He wished he could make them stop.

“He is all yours, Willem.” Jacques stated.

He grinned.

“Oh, and Jay. . .”

The Scout’s eyes met the Spy’s.

“You are officially disconnected from Respawn.” Jacques whispered. “I had RED’s Engineer work on that especially for me.  So, when that Medi-Gun is finally turned off. . .”

The Spy paused for effect.  He relished the feeling of thinking about how his son was going to be washed away from him.

“. . .you will most likely bleed out when the Heavy’s done with you. . .”

Jay cried out, startled, as Willem yanked him to his feet and threw him against a wooden carpentry horse in front of the Medi-Gun. He began to struggle when Willem tied his legs to the object.

He whimpered when Jacques struck him in the face. After a few strikes, the Scout’s body fell against the wooden planks while Willem continued to strap his body down.  His heartbeat was racing as the Medic began sliding something around his cock.

“What’re. . . _WHAT’RE YOU DOING!?_ ”

His voice was terrified while the Medic laughed.  Jay looked up as Jacques opened the door to the dingy, hay strewn stable area inside RED Base at 2Fort. He began to struggle again when the RED Heavy was let inside.

“No!” Jay whispered frantically. “Please! Please just kill me! Please don’t do this!”

Jacques glared.

“If you enjoy the BLU Medic fucking you so much, then taking care of _my_ teammates with your filthy body should not be a problem.”

“Vith such a slim body, he _does_ look like a voman.” Willem laughed. “I vill enjoy making you scream, Jay.”

Jay cried out as the Medic slapped his ass. He shook his head, trying to will what was about to happen away from him.

“No!” he shouted. “No, _PLEASE_!”

“Nikolas, shut this whore up.” Willem said irritably.

Before Jay could protest, the RED Heavy had moved forward. From the folds of the Russian’s slacks emerged a hard, throbbing length.  The Scout’s eyes were wide with shock as the Heavy’s hands pried his jaws open. He felt the heated organ enter his mouth as the RED forced his hips forward.

Tears slid down Jay’s face as one of Nikolas’ hands became entangled in his hair. He closed his eyes and trembled when the organ was forced down his throat.  From behind him, the RED Medic pulled a syringe out of his pocket and uncapped it.

“No reason _you_ should not enjoy yourself too, _whore_.” Willem said with a grin.

Jay’s body jerked when the needle slid into the soft flesh of his testicles.  Almost instantly, a heat spread through his groin and caused his length to harden.  Against the rough grain of the wood, the tender flesh felt like it was being cut open.

The Scout’s fingers clenched behind his back as pain filled his body.  The small, rubber ring that the Medic had fit around him earlier was becoming tighter around the base of his erection. He could feel the blood pumping in the organ as he heard the Heavy curse in Russian.

Jay sputtered as Nikolas grunted and came in his mouth.  He gasped for breath and shook.  He pitifully gazed at the Spy.

“Please!” he begged softly. “Please, just end me. . .give me yer damn gun. . .I will do it myself. Tell Ma whatever you want. . .please. . .just. . .stop. . .”

Jacques stared indifferently and lit a cigarette.

“I’m afraid you have not outlived your use quite yet, Jay.” he mused. “When they’ve had their fill of you, I am sure you _will_ die.”

Several sticky bombs exploded overhead as Willem forcefully shoved himself into the Scout’s opening. The sound of the explosion deafened Jay’s screams of pain.  Blood began to run down the runner’s legs. His cries diminished when the Heavy pushed his length back into his mouth.

“Filzhe whore!” Willem hissed, digging his fingers into Jay’s hips. “I can feel how your body vants it!”

Tears slid down the younger man’s face.  His body was on fire. The combined weight of his body and the Medic’s made the wood beneath them groan. The Scout heard Willem curse at him in German and rake his fingernails over his back.

Nikolas pulled Jay’s face closer as the Russian came again. Jay tried to imagine himself somewhere else as the Heavy kept his lips pressed down on his shaft. He tried to swallow as fast as he could so that he could breathe.

“Tiny Scout has good mouth when it is stuffed full.” Nikolas chortled when Jay coughed. “He should keep it full more often.”

Willem grinned and grabbed Jay by his hair.  He forced the Scout’s body to arch back while he continued to move his hips against the runner’s backside.

“Jaa, mein friend.” he agreed. “His other hole is quite useful, too.”

Jay’s face was flushed and covered in sweat.  Cum slid down his chin as the Medic’s movements forced his erection into the rough, splintered wood. The pressure in his body increased when Willem slammed his head forward and released inside of him.

“Please. . .”

Jay’s voice was weak.  Blood slid from between his lips.  His eyes were distant as Willem pulled out of him roughly. The blue green did not focus as the Medic turned down the Medi-Gun on the table.

The pain started to grow worse.

“Please let me die.”

“You’ll die vhen ve are tired of your filzhe body, whore!” Willem sneered.


	29. My Last Breath

Another round of explosions covered Jay’s cries as the Heavy took the Medic’s place behind him.

“For whore, he is tight.” Nikolas said, grinning.

Jay sobbed and clenched his hands into fists. His fingernails were drawing blood while the Heavy began moving. His insides tore and felt horribly out of place. The larger man dug his hands into his buttocks and spread them apart. The Russian went deeper.

“Tearing me. . .” the Scout cried feebly. “. . .please. . .stop!”

Willem snickered as the Scout cried.

“Pathetic. One nobody vill miss vhen you are dead.”

“No one misses him now.” Jacques corrected, coldly.

He walked over to where his son was being violated and lifted the Scout’s face. He stared into eyes that resembled his lover’s. He frowned and shook his head.

“No one is coming for you, Jay.” he said softly. “There are no knights in shining armour. You are going to die alone, unloved and unwanted. . .with a Heavy fucking you until you break.”

Jay blocked out the pain of Nikolas slamming into him.  He thought about the Spy’s words for a moment before grinning. He felt the Heavy release forcefully inside of him. His stomach ached. He started laughing hysterically. His body sagged as Willem turned the Medi-Gun off completely. The Scout looked at his father and smiled.

“You’re. . .you’re wrong, Old Man. . .” he whispered. “. . .I may die here. . .and that fat ass may fuck me to death. . .and _you_ may not have. . .have loved me. . .but _he_ did. . .I had love. . . and somebody cared. . .

“That. . .that ain’t somethin’ you can _take_ _from me_. . .”

Jacques glared and dropped Jay’s head to the wooden plank beneath his body.

He moved away with a frown.

“Put him out of his misery. I am sick of looking at him.”

Jay closed his eyes as Willem pulled his Bone Saw from the table. He felt blood running over his skin as he waited for the Medic to strike.

He smiled as he felt his tags against his heart. Even when Willem lifted his head and put the jagged blade against his throat, he was at peace.

It was going to be over. It was going to end.

“I AM GOING TO GUT YOU, MERQUISE!”

The Scout’s breath came out in a startled gasp as he opened his eyes.  He was grazed by the Bone Saw as a barrage of bullets struck Willem and the RED Heavy. He saw Vladimir and Jason storm into the room with Richard. Jay let his head rest on the wood where it had fallen.

His eyes slid shut as he heard Jason yell and bark in Italian. His body felt heavy. His heart was slowing down and his lungs were getting weaker.

It felt strangely calm to die.

“Jesus, Jason! He’s _dead_!” Richard cried, pulling the enraged Medic off of the bloody corpse of the RED Spy.

Jason breathed heavily and pushed his bangs out of his eyes. Blood covered his clothes and face. He turned as Vladimir lowered his gun and ran to Jay.

“Scout! _SCOUT_!”

Jason rushed forward and quickly felt for Jay’s pulse. He looked at Vladimir and handed over the Stiletto switchblade that he had used to kill Jacques.

“Vlad, cut those ropes around his legs. We have five minutes to get him out of here before the others Respawn.”

Vladimir quickly did as he was told. He carefully cut the Scout’s legs free. He paused when he saw the blood from the splinters in the young man’s groin.

“Docktor! There is. . .is something. . .”

The Heavy struggled with the words and hovered a meaty palm over the Scout’s back.

“. . .it is. . .around his. . .his. . .”

Jason quickly turned away from where he was untying Jay’s hands. He followed the Heavy’s eyes and glared.

“Mother, fucking. . .”

The Medic looked up as he heard noise from above. He shook his head and removed his lab coat.

“It’s all right, Vlad. We will take care of him. Right now, we need to get him out of here alive.”

Vladimir nodded as Jason threw his lab coat over the Scout’s body. He stood up and raised his gun.

“Richard and I cover. Take Scout to August. Go.”

The Medic nodded back and pulled Jay into his arms. The Scout made a feeble noise in his throat. His head fell over Jason’s arms as the BLU Heavy led them forward.

Gunfire followed the group as Richard kept his sentry trained on any advancing REDs. Vladimir roared and plowed through the RED Soldier and Demoman. Bullets painted the walls as Jason held Jay close. The BLU Heavy cleared a path to the outside of the RED Base.

“GO, DOCKTOR!” Vladimir called, turning to face the RED Base. “I VILL STOP ZHEM.”

Jason ran across the bridge connecting the two bases. He dodged gunfire and ran toward his teammates.  The BLU Sniper cried out from his perch above while the BLU Soldier exclaimed loudly. The Medic ignored them and ran straight through the Base and through the back.

As the Medic threw the door to the exit open, he felt Jay’s fingers wrap around his shirt. Jason looked down as Jay wheezed for breath.

“Hang on, Jay.” he ordered sharply, running for Richard’s battered up truck. “You are going to be fine!”

“Don’t. . .lie. . .”

Jay’s eyes remained closed, but his voice spoke softly. The boy winced.

“. . .August. . .”

“He’s on his way, Jay.” Jason pleaded. “Just hold on. I am taking you to the hospital. I have allies there. They will help us.”

“. . .don’t tell him. . .” Jay breathed as Jason set him inside the truck.

“Save your strength, Jay.” Jason said, getting into the driver’s seat.

He stared at the Scout with a start as Jay glared up at him and clutched his arm. His eyes met the younger man’s as Jay shook his head.

“. . .don’t tell him. . .what they. . .DID. . .to me!”

Jason winced.

He finally nodded.

“I. . .won’t.” he breathed.

Jay trembled before his eyes rolled back into his skull and he collapsed.

The Medic did not wait a moment longer. He started the truck and pealed out of the parking lot. He made several calls to the Teufort Hospital as he raced down the highway.

Beside him, Jay stopped breathing.


	30. In Between Worlds

_“IT WILL BE FINE, JAY! DO YOU HEAR ME!? YOU WILL BE FINE!”_

_“August, stop this. . .it isn’t fair to him. . .or to you. . .”_

_“Halt die Klappe!”_

_“Doctor D’Augustine. . .”_

_“Give us a moment, Darlene.”_

_“Yes, Doctor.”_

_“August, this isn’t something anyone wants to hear. It isn’t something I want to say, especially to you. The truth of the matter is that he’s been suffering for the majority of his life. The bullet was extracted, but even with your Medi-Gun, the damage isn’t being reversed fast enough._

_“The trauma he endured earlier caused his system to shut down. He stopped breathing, August. I do not know for how long before I brought him here. There could be more damage than we are aware of right now._

_“It’s time to think about what is best for Jay.”_

_“I von’t GIVE UP on HIM. NOT VHEN HE TRUSTED ME!”_

_“August, please. . .”_

_“NEIN. You said you vould help me! Vill you or not!?”_

_“You are making him suffer, August. Worse, you are taking the chance that this will fail. If it does, your work was for naught, and you will be in a worse state than you are now. How would that help anything?”_

_“VILL YOU HELP ME?”_

_*sigh*_

_“I gave you my word, August. Of course I will help.”_

_“Zhen enough talking. It’s time to vork.”_


	31. In the House of Stone and Light

The sun was warm, streaming in through the windows of a bright, cheerful room.  Its gentle rays fell across Jay Merquise’s face as he moaned softly.  His body shifted under several blankets. He instinctively pulled them closer when a familiar fabric brushed his cheek.

“August. . .”

A soft, gentle sound echoed up from somewhere downstairs as the Scout slowly opened his eyes.  He looked around, strangely, as he saw the open window and the pale, pink curtains fluttering in the breeze. He could hear the strings of a violin being played.

He recognised this song.

Jay looked down as he sat up.  He felt his chest and noticed he was in a clean, white shirt made of soft linen.  His tags made a soft clinking noise while his fingers traveled down to the mauve blanket over his lap.  His eyes were confused.

After a moment’s deliberation, the Scout rose to his feet. A pair of pale, blue pants fell to the tops of his bare feet. He grabbed the mauve blanket and wrapped it around his body as he began to move toward the door.

He did not know how he knew where he was going.  His body just _knew_.

Jay opened the door to the bedroom and wandered into a carpeted hallway.  Laughter echoed from outside, over the violin. The Scout continued down the hall until he came to a beautiful, oak staircase.  An Oriental runner ran down the middle of the stairs and was worn from feet going up and down it.

Without hesitation, the Scout put his hand on the banister and began walking downstairs. He entered a living room area with a fireplace and rustic, green and mauve furniture.  A fire was roaring in the hearth and a clock rested above the mantle. There were bookshelves and photographs lining the other walls. To the Scout’s left, there was a large, white door with a single pane of glass in it.

The curtains were drawn in the living room and Jay could see fields of tall grass and wheat swaying outside.  The Scout turned right and walked over plush, beige carpet to another part of the house.  The violin got louder as he stood in a large, spacious kitchen.

Glass doors were open in the dining area as a pleasant, warm breeze blew across the white tiles and a large, oak table.  Jay felt himself smile as he wrapped the blanket tighter around his shoulders.  It felt warm out there.

Without realising he was moving, the Scout’s feet carried him to the threshold of the door. The sunlight hit his face, warm and bright.  His eyes closed as the laughter got louder.  He could hear the sounds of children playing.

“ _Jay! Hey! Jay!_ ”

“ _Jay ist wach! Er ist wach!_ ”

“ _Speak English, Hilde! He doesn’t speak German!_ ”

“ _Ja. Ich kann Deutsch sprechen._ ”

Jay heard himself answering as he made to step into the field of grass.

“I speak German fine. . .I learned. . .”

The Scout gasped as the violin stopped suddenly and a hand pulled him back. He turned around, startled, as a tall, slender woman stood behind him looking worried. Jay shook his head as the woman looked past him at three, young girls playing on a swing set.

“ _Mädchen, Jay kann nicht außerhalb kommen und spielen jetzt._ ”

Two of the girls made whining noises and called back to the woman.  The woman held firm and called back as she pushed Jay behind her and caught the open door with her free hand. In her other, there was an ebony violin and bow.

Jay’s eyebrows rose.

That was August’s violin.

“Who are you? Where am I?”

The woman closed the door and stood looking out the window before slowly turning around and looking at Jay with eyes that he vaguely remembered. The cool blue was kinder than he was used to as he stared at the woman suspiciously. He wrapped the blanket tighter around his shoulders.

The woman’s face was oval and pale. She had several, faint scars over her cheeks that her glasses hid fairly well.  Her long, brown hair fell across her forehead as she stared at the Scout in front of her.  Her blue shirt was unbuttoned and a silver cross hung around her neck. Her dark, black pants were met at her knees by a pair of riding boots.

Jay watched her as she set the violin on the table.  His eyes were narrow as he saw a familiar tattoo on the woman’s arm.

His father had one similar.

“My name is Ameilia. I am your father’s sister.”

Jay felt a stone drop into his stomach.  He looked up at the woman as she slowly turned around. His eyes were narrow and afraid.

“A. . .Ameilia?”

The woman nodded.

“This was our home. . .August and mine. . .”

Jay began to tremble.  He couldn’t feel his heartbeat. Was he even breathing?  Where was he? Was he dead? What was this place?

“. . .you are safe here, Jay. . .”

The Scout looked up, tears sliding down his face.  He stared into a kinder version of his father’s face. Her pictures really hadn’t done her justice.  She had been beautiful.

“Am I dead?”

Ameilia von Dette looked down.

“I don’t know.”

Jay shook his head.

“What do you mean ‘you don’t _know_ ’?” he asked a bit hysterically. “I. . .Is. . .Is this Heaven. . . or Hell. . . _where am I_!?”

“I wish I could answer your questions, but I am just as surprised as you are, _liebe_.” Ameilia answered calmly. “I do not know why you are here. My daughters found you lying in the long grass past the grounds of our home. They shouldn’t have been out that far anyway, but something had compelled them, they said.

“That’s when they found _you_ , Jay.”

“You know my name.”


	32. My Memory of You

Jay blushed faintly and looked away as Ameilia smiled.

“You are my nephew. Of course I know who you are.” she answered kindly. “While I may not have been alive in body, I was always with you in spirit.”

She was quiet for a moment before looking down.

“It was never my intention to lead my brother to a wonderful heart like Sophie and have him sire a son he would torture and abuse. Had I expected that behaviour. . . well. . .you wouldn’t be here.”

Jay looked at Ameilia with sad, painful eyes. He shook his head.

“I don’t blame you.”

They were the first words out of his mouth.  He had felt stupid in the moments following, but when his aunt had met his gaze, his courage spread through him.  He stood a bit taller.

“You didn’ force him to create me.” he said bravely. “You didn’ tell him to lock me in my room or keep me away from everyone because he was embarrassed of me. You didn’ allow him to send me off to some God Forsaken DESERT where I was going to DIE. . .

“. . .you didn’t do any of that. . .”

Jay smiled faintly.

“. . .but if you had been alive. . .I bet you woulda made him pay for it.”

Ameilia smiled warmly.

She had a pretty smile.

“Ah, my darling,” she said softly, “you have your mother’s kind, loving heart. From such a family, it surprises me, but fills me with joy.”

Jay let the woman wrap her arms around him in a tight hug.  He felt the same kind of warmth and happiness from Ameilia that he had felt from August. The Scout flinched.

August.

“Why can’t I go home, Ameilia?” he whispered into the woman’s shoulder. “August. . .he’s. . . he’s gotta be worried sick! I gotta. . .gotta go back!”

Ameilia painfully pulled away from Jay and stared down at him. She gently brushed his bangs out of his eyes and shook her head.

“ _Liebe_ , I wish I could help you.” she breathed. “But. . .I do not know why you are here. You are neither dead nor living. . .you still have effects with you from your body here in this plane. I have not seen such a thing in all my years here. The girls and I have lived here our entire existence in the Afterlife.

“You are somewhere between. . .and I do not know what has brought you here.”

Jay’s face turned down in horrible pain.  His eyes filled with fresh tears as he bowed his head. His whole body began to tremble as he thought about how upset and distraught the Medic would be without him. His chest ached when he imagined August’s green eyes full of tears.  He remembered what the Medic had done when he had nearly lost him in the aftermath of running into the force field.

The Scout gasped.

His fingers wrapped tighter around his blanket and his tags.

Personal effects.

“I. . .came here. . .with _these_?”

Ameilia nodded.

“Yes. My daughters were surprised to see you with that blanket of yours. It is what convinced them to come get me.”

Jay looked at the blanket around his shoulders.

“This?”

“Yes. Come. I will show you.”

Jay followed obediently. He was quiet as Ameilia led him back into the living room. She led him past the fireplace and through another, wooden door.  He gasped as sunlight drifted through an enormous study filled with books. All along the walls were shelves with artifacts and treasures. In front of the large windows was a cherry wood desk with things neatly in their place. A leather chair was pushed underneath.

Across the room was a music stand beside a worn, old piano. Next to this was the same, green chair that had sat in August’s bedroom. Draped over it was the mauve blanket currently wrapped around the Scout’s shoulders.

Jay stared at the blanket in the chair and then the one around his body. His eyes were contorted in confusion.

“How!? I mean. . .I . . .have. . .”

Ameilia nodded.

“It is very strange.” she agreed. “Usually, two of the same item cannot exist on the same plane. When I brought you here, it was firmly wrapped around you.  You had been sent here in that blanket.  I gave you some of August’s old clothes to wear.”

Jay trembled.

“Was I. . .I mean. . .did I look. . .”

“Injured?” Ameilia offered.

Jay nodded silently.

“No. You were not bleeding. . .” Ameilia said carefully. “. . .but you wouldn’t be here.”

“What do you mean?” Jay asked.

“The heart does not beat here.” Ameilia said painfully. “Blood does not flow and oxygen is not needed. You do not _live_ in this realm. . .you simply. . .exist. The only things with you were your tags and that blanket. Rather than question it, I brought you here.”

Tears glittered in the Scout’s eyes as his shoulders sagged.

Nothing made sense.

Was he alive? Was he dead? Where was August?

“Aunt Ameilia?”

“Yes, Jay?”

“May I sit in that chair?”

Ameilia looked at her nephew sadly. She could sense the desperation and defeat in his voice. Worse, she knew what desperation did when one was caught between the world of the living and the world beyond.

“Of course, _liebe_.” she answered kindly. “Of course you may.”

Jay silently walked forward and crawled in between the arms of the chair.  His small, thin frame curled up into a ball into the side of the arm as he wrapped his mauve blanket tighter around his body.  He started to cry as he pushed himself into the cushions.

The fabric smelled like August.

“ _Es tut mir leid, Jay. Ich wünschte, ich könnte den Schmerz Halt machen._ ”

Jay sobbed quietly as Ameilia ran her hand over his head in a comforting gesture.  He leaned into her legs and wrapped his arms around her as he cried.

Ameilia was startled for a moment before wincing and hugging Jay tightly.

“What did my brother do to you, Jay?” she whispered. “ _Qu'est-ce que ce monstre faire pour vous?_ ”

“ _Il me détestait! Il a laissé ses coéquipiers me violer!_ ”


	33. Sticks and Stones

Ameilia’s eyes were dark as Jay flawlessly switched to French.  She glared hatefully and eased Jay back from her legs. She knelt down so that she could look him in the eyes.

She put her hands against his face.

“What are you talking about, Jay?” she asked seriously. “He did _what_?”

Jay shook and looked at his aunt.

“When I was fourteen, he brought me to the Badlands,” he began, “and he and that awful RED Medic put something in my heart. . .a tracking stint. . .that controls part of my heart valve or something. Anyway, it was to keep me from running away. Every time I tried, I would hit a force field, and it would electrocute me. . .

“August didn’t know until his brother told him. . .and so, to try and stop them, he and _my_ Engineer created my tags. They insulated some of the electricity from my heart.  I grew up on that field. . .with my team. . .August. . .he was. . .the only one who _cared_ about me! He, and my teammates. . .well, save for Nero, our Spy, but he’s an asshole.

“Anyway. . .I had gotten hurt bad enough that August Blacklisted me. . .and when I was taken off the roster, my father threatened he would kill me if I didn’t show up for battle. He waited until August left. . .and. . .he took me away.

“He shot August. . .and. . .he shot me. . .he took me to the stable at 2Fort. . .”

The Scout was clutching Ameilia’s arms as he retold what he remembered.  Tears coursed their way down his face as he sobbed.

“He let that Medic inject me and tie me down!” Jay cried. “He just. . .STOOD THERE. . .and _let_ them. . .use. . .USE ME!”

Ameilia held the Scout in her arms and hugged him to her chest in a fierce embrace. She glared at the books behind the shelves as the young man sobbed into her shoulder. She whispered in German and French as Jay trembled.

“Why, Jay? Why?”

Something wasn’t clicking. Her brother wouldn’t have attacked his own son without a reason.

“He figured out I loved August.”

Jay’s voice was a laboured breath against Ameilia’s neck. He winced as he feared the woman’s rejection. He prepared to be struck.

“He figured out that August loved me. . .and that I didn’t mind letting him _make_ love to me. . .”

Instead of getting hit, the Scout was embraced warmly.  He was surprised as Ameilia smiled and kissed his cheek.

“Ah.” she said simply. “That would explain it. Jacques is a bit of a homophobe.”

Jay leaned back and looked at Ameilia with shock.

“You. . .aren’t. . .mad?”

Ameilia was amused.

“Should I be?”

“I. . .I mean. . .August and I. . .”

Ameilia smiled warmly and shook her head as Jay blushed and stuttered. She gently held his face in between her hands. She gazed at the Scout’s beautiful eyes and laughed.

“August and I did not have any problem with our sexual identities.” she replied softly. “I did not mind that he was a lover of the female form and the male form. It didn’t bother me.  He loved me for all my life.  He was dedicated to me and to our children. Even after I was gone, he kept on for our children.

“That man suffered because of my brother and his own. August deserved someone so much better. . .I brought nothing but havoc to his life.”

The woman stopped for a moment before sighing and shaking her head.

“But, I cannot expect him to stay married to me forever.” she replied aloud. “He cannot deny his heart and body the comforts of love and happiness. I wouldn’t want him to, Jay. If he loves you, and you love _him_ , then that is all that matters, _liebe_.”

Jay smiled half heartedly.

“I miss him, Ameilia.” he rasped. “I don’t want to stay here. I want to go home. . .back to August.  I want to go back home!”

Ameilia whispered softly and held the young man tighter. She took in this new information with a small frown.  She trailed her fingers through Jay’s hair and held him against her side. She did this for nearly fifteen minutes.

When Jay softly began snoring, the young Sniper eased the Scout back against the cushions of the chair and put the second, mauve blanket over his body.  She stood up and watched him sleeping.

He looked very much like their father when he was younger.

Ameilia frowned at a tarnished picture that sat on the bookshelf above Jay.  From the glass, three faces appeared. To the right stood a younger looking RED Spy. His face had been unmarred by her treachery and he stood proudly beside an older man with greying hair. Each of them had blue eyes. The older man’s harden jaw was dead set and calculating.

On the left, much as she was today, Ameilia stood beside her father, Chopin Merquise.

“So much destruction, Jackie,” the woman mused, “and for what?  Causing your son pain wasn’t going to undo his birth.”

Her frown deepened.

“Troubling, indeed.” she said to herself.

Without another word, Ameilia turned away from the sleeping Scout and went to the door of the study. She turned back and looked at Jay as he whispered in his sleep and buried his face into the cushions.  Her eyes narrowed slightly before she opened the door.

“Rest, Jay.” she breathed. “I am sure we will figure it out. . .”

Without another word, she went into the hall and closed the door after herself.


	34. When We Dream

_“Ungrateful brat!”_

_“Jacques! He is just a boy! Please! He doesn’t understand!”_

_“Then, I will TEACH him!”_

_“Jacques, NO!”_

_“Sophie!”_

_“This is MY son. He is MINE. I will not let you hurt one of my children!”_

_“This child is partially MINE, Sophie. If he intends to carry MY name, as you WANTED, then he is equally MY responsibility as I wanted.”_

_“Jacques, this is our son! Why. . .why would you hit him!? Why would you DO THIS?”_

_“Because, he will not learn if I do not.”_

_“Please. Please don’t hurt him.”_

_“I have no intention of KILLING him. A sound beating never hurt anyone. If anything, it will teach him to THINK before he throws another baseball in this house._

_“Come here, Jay.”_

_“NO!”_

_“NOW!”_

_“Jay, darling. . .go with your father.”_

_“No! Mommy, please! I didn’t mean to! Cody and I were just playing! I didn’t mean for it to go through the window! I won’t do it again!_

_“NO!”_

_“Stop your crying! I will give you something to cry about in a minute!”_

_“Mommy! Please! It hurts!”_

_“I am sorry, Jay. I’m sorry!”_

_“MOMMY! Please! MOMMY!”_

………………….

Jay startled awake.  His breaths were short, tight wheezes as he sat upright.  It took him a moment to remember where he was.  He put a hand against his forehead.

He hadn’t thought about that night in a long time. It’s amazing he had the courage to _touch_ a baseball after that.

Jay winced and looked up.  He noticed the light was dim outside, but not gone completely. Soft rays fell across the rug on the floor.  The Scout wrapped the blanket belonging to him around his shoulders as he stood up.  He slowly walked toward the desk.

Blue green eyes followed items he recognised from August’s room; the desk, for instance.

Jay’s fingers traced lines across the wood.  He noticed the same books August had in his office on his desk here.  They looked newer than he ones he was used to seeing.  His hand stopped on a picture frame on the desktop.

It was the same picture he’d seen on August’s wall.

A deep sense of pain rushed over the Scout’s face.  This was August’s home.  These were the things he had to give up in life.  When he died, August would come here. . .to be with his real family and lover.

Tears slid down Jay’s face as he turned away from the desk.  He didn’t want to think about it. It wasn’t fair. He hadn’t gotten the chance. . .the time. . .

Jay drifted over to the piano.  The bench creaked under his weight as his blanket fell to his waist. That wasn’t fair, either.  The Scout closed his eyes and put his fingers against the ivory keys.

He couldn’t be mad at his Aunt or his cousins. It wasn’t their fault. They had come first.  Worse, he was the sinner. He was the one in love with a man who was technically his uncle.

The keys made soft, gentle sounds as the mallets struck the strings inside the piano.  Jay’s eyes remained closed as he played.  His long, thin fingers moved over the keys as the notes grew louder.

The piano was surprisingly in tune for as old as it looked. It sounded great despite its age.  Jay’s body began to move with the melody. The sound was strong and sad.  It was resonating through the room as Jay shook his head.

Words, soft, sweet and powerful, rose up from his throat.  His fingers moved on their own through a rhythm they knew well. The muscles in the young man’s face tensed faintly.

It was a French song. His mother had taught it to him. She had taught him to play. She’d always wanted him to do something with his “natural” talents. He was as good at piano as he was baseball. Maybe even better.

“ _When you dream, what do you see? When you travel, where do you go? I am a shadow along the ground. Tell me, love; where do you go when you dream?_ ”

The music lifted the Scout’s spirit. He got lost in it. It didn’t matter if he was playing the music or someone else was, all that mattered was that the melody consumed him. The notes traversed a plane beyond his understanding, and he was at ease inside of it.

No one on BLU knew he could do anything besides swing a bat and curse at people. When they would get a day off and Richard would drive them to town, there was a small bar that had an old, upright piano.  What money his teammates gave to him for his birthday or Smissmiss was spent on paying the bartender that ran the joint.

He gave the owner what he had just to play the piano all day. As time had worn on, and the word got around that he played almost every Sunday, more people started coming by the bar. People enjoyed it so much, it actually drummed up a fair share of business on a day that was usually dead.

To thank him for the increase in sales, the bartender had allowed him to start accepting tips. Whatever he earned he got to keep.  Since no one on RED or BLU knew about the bar or that he played, no one knew he was earning the money.

He opened an account under a false name at the Teufort First Savings and Loan. Before leaving town, he would deposit whatever he had earned. It was the only way to keep his secret safe.

He never risked talking any of the money with him. His father would have had a fit and everything would have been ruined. He wouldn’t be allowed to play anymore. Worse, the money would have been taken from him.

“ _Sitting in the moonlight, a silken shade of blue. Where are the memories of me and you? Cut between what is real and what is fantasy, I cannot see you, and you cannot hear me._

“ _Call my name, love. Speak to me. My heart is breaking, a ship sinking on the sea. Darling, save me. I cannot stop. Lost in your memory, and forgotten when you dream._ ”

Jay was so wrapped up in the music, he had not heard the door open.  He continued playing as a slender, straight backed child with a brown braid came into the room. Her eyes were a deep, green blue and her face was round. She frowned faintly. Her dress was made of brown linen and she held a violin similar to Ameilia’s in her hand.

The Scout looked up as the girl started playing the harmony of the song on her violin. His eyes narrowed while his hands continued, uninterrupted.

The girl closed her eyes and drew her boy across the violin strings. She was silent as Jay continued singing. The music blended into a beautiful duet.  Jay shook his head.

“ _I’ve come so far, and been so low. I’ve seen love come, and I’ve seen love go. Darling, when you dream, do you dream of me? Where do you go when you drift to sleep? Who do you see when you close your eyes?_

“ _When we dream, do we dream together. . .you and I?_ ”

Jay’s voice faded away as his fingers trailed over the last of the notes.  He watched the girl finish her portion of the song and lower her violin.  He remained silent while she opened her eyes and stared at him.

“Mother had asked me to check on you.” she stated simply. “I see you are fine.”

Jay simply nodded.

The girl’s tone was sharp. She reminded him of his father.

“Forgive me. My manners.” the girl replied, softer. “My name is Elsa. I am the Middle Child.”

“I know.” Jay whispered. “August told me about you. I am Jay. I am the youngest. . .a bastard homosexual.”

Elsa von Dette stared at her cousin with a frown. She stood up straighter and shook her head.

“Does that make you any less of a human being?” she asked. “Have you learned nothing from all of the people in your life?”

Jay scoffed.

“I learned that they never loved me.” he responded hatefully. “That they wanted me to disappear. They wanted me to _die_.”

“My father does not think that way.”


	35. Elsa

Elsa’s voice was quiet when she spoke. She looked at the floor for a moment before looking back at the Scout.

“Your Soldier, Sniper and Pyro do not think like that. The people in the town where you used to play don’t think that. The way I understand it, they miss you terribly. Just because they are not _family_ does not mean that they do not _care_ or _love_ you.”

Jay looked up at the girl. His eyes narrowed before he looked down again.

“They miss me?”

Elsa shrugged.

“Who cares if you don’t miss _them_?”

“I didn’t say that I didn’t miss _them_.” Jay said defencively. “I only said that my parents wouldn’t care that I’m gone. Hell, my father’s the one that did this to me. . . whatever _this_ is.”

Elsa sighed and closed her eyes.

“This? This is a place for those who have been lost.”

Jay looked at his cousin with a start.

“Lost? You mean. . .like, dead. . .”

It wasn’t a question.

“No, Jay.” Elsa answered matter of factly. “Lost as in “killed,” “murdered,” “plagued by pestilence,” “those caught between,” _that_.”

“I don’t understand.” Jay said with frustration.

“You aren’t dead, you are LOST.” Elsa said simply. “Your soul is wandering aimlessly around someplace and you are LOST.”

“Then. . .how are you and Aunt Ameilia. . .”

Jay’s words faded as he tried to comprehend what the girl was trying to tell him.

Elsa sat down on the ottoman at the foot of the green chair. She put her violin on her lap and stared at Jay. Even when she sat, her back was straight as a pin. She frowned before closing her eyes and shaking her head.

“I committed suicide. I was lost. I spent years looking for something, but not knowing what.” she began softly. “I was lost in the nightmares of darkness and screaming for what seemed like eons. Then, one day, I heard music over the screams. It was a song sad and lonely like yours. I could hear it, and I followed the sound. Then, I began to feel soft grass. It was waving and surrounding me. It smelled like it had just rained.   
  
“Then, from the dark, there came a light. This light shone under a large, wooden door with wrought iron supports and handles. It opened effortlessly when I touched it. Inside, sunlight poured over me and shoved the darkness away. From the other side, I saw this home and my sisters. They were laughing and calling to me.   
  
“Without realising what I was doing, I had walked through the door and it had closed behind me. It disappeared after that. I have not had the nightmares since. But, I have always wondered where the door had gone or what had brought me here.   
  
“The only thing I can gather is that I missed my sisters. I wanted to be with them again. I missed my mother. . .and. . .my father.”

Elsa stopped and looked at the floor sadly.

“I missed Papa. . .and I felt. . .so terrible for the things I did to him. . .for what I did to our family. . .”

She looked up at the Scout with pain in her eyes.

“I told your father where to find my mother.”

Jay shook his head in disbelief.  He was shocked silent for a moment before clenching his fists.

“Wh. . .WHY!?” he cried. “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!?”

“Because she didn’t know any better.”

Jay and Elsa turned as Ameilia stood in the doorway.  He trembled as his aunt leaned against the door frame and crossed her arms.

“Willem had tricked her into telling them when I would be home. She did not know Jacques was my brother. . .or that we had a fierce rivalry. Elsa thought she was doing what was right at the time. There is no faulting her for that.”

“So forgiving. . .why!?” Jay asked almost hatefully.

Ameilia opened her eyes and stared at her nephew.

“She is my daughter, _liebe_.” she answered truthfully. “That time in Germany was one of fear and uncertainty. To go against the Reich meant you went against everything they stood for and did. It put your life in danger like August’s was put in danger.  As a young girl, how would you respond to such violence?   
  
“I would never blame my daughter for doing what she was told. . .especially if she thought it right in her own mind.”

Elsa looked down before nodding.

“I heard the music when I cried for my Mama.” she breathed. “I felt very unlike the girl who had believed so faithfully in the Fuehrer. I felt weak and despicable. But, as I cried and cried for my Mama and my Papa. . .my sisters. . .the music grew louder and I felt more like the girl that had loved sitting on my Papa’s lap and hearing stories. . .or sitting here and listening to Mama play the piano.

“I felt like the girl I was before the War; and that is when the door opened to this place.”

Jay was silent for a few minutes. The ticking of a clock somewhere on August’s desk kept his mind in order. He looked down at the piano keys before frowning.

“You said I wasn’t dead or alive, Ameilia.” he said accusingly. “Then what am I?”

“Like she said, _liebe_.” Ameilia answered gently. “You are lost. For some reason, you got lost _here_ with my children and myself. When Jacques killed me, I wanted to remain close to  my husband and my children. I found this place with Bernadette already here. She had brought me to where I wanted to be. Then, when Hilde died, she came here with us.   
  
“Elsa took the longest. She was lost in her own peril. She was trapped in a world between where she wanted to be, where belonged and where she _thought_ she _should_ be. The Afterlife isn’t any less complicated than the Living World, Jay. In fact, it may be _more_ complicated.”

“I just wanna go home.”

The Scout’s voice was a whisper. It was sad and downtrodden. His shoulders slumped forward uselessly.

“I just. . .wanna. . .be!”

Ameilia looked at Jay sadly.

“I know, Jay. I am sorry that we do not have any answers for you.”

Elsa waited a moment before looking at her cousin.

“This isn’t a nightmare, Jay.” she whispered. “You are lost, but that is because you never found _who_ you were.  When Papa cared for you, you felt a genuine sense of love and trust. Even in lies and deceit, you felt a sense of compassion and care. That connected you to your family, my mother. Your father abused you, your mother neglected you. . .you felt. . .lost and alone in life.

“Here, you feel as you did in life. THIS is what you wanted THERE. This family, happy siblings and people who knew and cared for you. In this place, you feel safe. There are things, people and feelings that connect you to a part of the world you loved while living. Now, the trouble will be to get back to the _real_ connection that drew you here in reality.”

“August.”

Elsa smiled hopefully when Jay answered automatically.

“Yes.” she answered. “Papa.”

“I took him away.” Jay breathed. “He belongs to you. . .to Ameilia. . .to THIS. . .I don’t belong anywhere.”

“That isn’t true, Jay.” Ameilia said painfully. “You stole nothing from us. I told you that earlier.”

“He’s right, though.” Elsa said suddenly. “That’s why he’s here!”

Ameilia was startled as Elsa stood up and stared at Jay.

“Jay’s guilt lies in us.” the girl continued. “Because his father killed you, Mama. Because Willem had hurt Papa. . .because Papa lost us all. . .Jay feels that Papa only cared because he _had_ to, but really, that was not the case. Even though Papa explained that he loved Jay, it wasn’t something Jay understood. He’d heard it before. It is about trust.   
  
“We exist here. . .in this place. . .it IS like Jay’s nightmare. . .because he realises that Papa’s desire may be to return here. . .in death. . .to be with us. . .and he will be alone again. He will lose the one he loves. . .the one that loved _him_.”

Ameilia stared in surprise before softening her gaze and smiling faintly.

“Very astute, Elsa.” she murmured.

Elsa smiled.

“I understand his pain.”

Jay digested this and wrapped the blanket around his shoulders.

“Yeah.” he said softly. “That.”

Elsa and Ameilia stared at him as the Scout rose to his feet. The pain etched along Jay’s face as he shook his head and kept his eyes adverted.

“I. . .I need to run.” he whispered. “Can. . .can I go. . .outside? Please? I need. . .air. . .”

Ameilia was going to protest when Elsa shook her head. Instead, the older woman allowed Elsa to speak.

“You may go anywhere the grass touches. When you reach the end of the long grass, you must stop. That is the Outerlands. No one comes back from them. If you leave, you may get lost forever.” Elsa warned calmly. “The sunlight will always burn brightly, even when the moon is full. If you should lose your way, turn to the sky and the brightest star will lead you home.”

Jay nodded.

“I know all about boundaries.” he said heatedly. “Ran into plenty of them before.”

Ameilia stood up straight and watched as the Scout passed by her in the doorway. She followed him down the hall as he drifted back toward the kitchen. She could hear his heartbeat echoing in his wake.

Her brows knotted in worry.

“His heartbeat. . .”

Elsa looked down.

“He’s dying.” she whispered. “He may not find what he is looking for, but this is all he knows.  Stranger things have happened. Perhaps he will get to a place that makes him happy again.”

“Elsa, we cannot let him run outside of the Outerlands.” Ameilia said with a frown. “It is dangerous!”

Both of them heard the other, two von Dette children calling out to Jay as he took off out the door in the kitchen.

Elsa shook his head.

“We cannot interfere with what happens now.” she breathed. “He’s in pain here, too.”

Ameilia winced.

“Poor boy.”

“Life has not been kind.” Elsa said mysteriously. “He believes Death will be. He’s always believed that. That is why he is lost here. Neither knows what to do with him.”

A tremour raced under the floorboards as the walls shook.  Elsa closed her eyes and sighed. Ameilia tensed.

“They are awake.” she breathed.

Elsa smiled faintly.

“I stand corrected.” she whispered. “One of them has made a decision.”

Ameilia looked at her daughter for a moment before tearing out into the living room.

Elsa looked down at the violin in her hand as she heard her mother calling Jay’s name. She watched and listened as the ground still shook gently. She sighed softly.

“You never stole him from us, Jay.” she said carefully. “We gave him to _you_.”

She lifted her head and stared out the window. She saw lightning flash in the distance and heard thunder roll across the sky. She shook her head.

“You found _each other_. . .and you won’t find what you are looking for out there. . .he lives. . . lives in _you_!”

Without another word, Elsa closed her eyes and left her father’s study.

As the door closed behind her, a whisper ran across the floor and swept sheet music from the music stand near the piano. Across the worn, aged pages were dark splotches of tears.


	36. Elysium

“ _I will run. Run away. There’s no one that can stop me now._ ”

Jay’s mind worked furiously as he ran.  The blanket had fallen from his shoulders when Bernadette and Hilde had tried to chase him.  He had caught a tail wind and he was flying again. Grass flew by him on either side and rain was beginning to fall from a grey, murky sky. The sun was lost behind a veil of silver while stars twinkled farther above.

The sky was infinite.

Thunder rumbled as Jay pushed his body harder. It was easier without a heart or lungs to worry about. Wind was moving him onward. It felt amazing. His muscles felt alive and he felt like he was going to break free.

Tears slid down the sides of his face as his tags clinked together. He continued to sprint. He had run miles away from the von Dette House. He could not hear anything but the wind against his ears and the thunder in the sky.

Things grew darker as Jay stumbled and kept moving.

“ _I won’t hurt them. I won’t be in the middle of their family. August is their father. . .husband. He misses them, I know. He cries for them. I am no one. I am just someone he got attached to because he needed me then._

“ ** _I_** _needed him._ ”

Jay sobbed.

“ _No more. He doesn’t need a broken, filthy body. He doesn’t need a child that isn’t his or a lover that cannot provide for him. I won’t do that to him. I will not burden him anymore._ ”

Rain soaked through the Scout’s clothes. He felt the grass getting shorter and shorter as he ran. The darkness closed in on him as he continued to race toward an unending horizon. As lightning lit up his face, Jay heard a faint sound.

It was soft, but grew louder as he ran closer to the distance. He began to slow down as the sound carried over the wind. Over the rain and the thunder, Jay recognised the music.

“That’s Pachebel’s Canon.” he whispered.

Jay came to a stop as the grasses parted and there lie a dark, deep line in front of him. The land continued out in front of him, but the line appeared to be a warning to go no further. The Scout stared at it apprehensively.

He looked up and shielded his eyes as a bright light cut through the space in front of him. On the other side of the boundary line, a large, wooden door with black, iron handles appeared. Light was appearing through cracks in the planks and from underneath.

The Scout wiped tears and water out of his eyes as he stared at the door.  He could feel his breath catching. His heart seemed faint. Strange. There were no such things here, right?

_Jay._

Jay stepped back as the light pulsed under the door.  He raised his hands and trembled under the force of the rain as the light created a sphere around him. All sounds save for the music were drowned out. He stood, transfixed, as something whispered his name.

 _Jay, come home_.

The Scout shielded his eyes from the bright light as the door creaked open. He slowly lowered his hand as he squinted.  He shook his head as he saw through the light.

He smiled as tears ran down his face.

“Home!”

_C’mon, Jay! Grub’s getting’ cold!_

_I’ll give yer share of the food to Marshmallow if ye don’ get back ere!_

Jay laughed as he saw his teammates on the other side of the boundary line. He could smell Richard’s barbeque and see Seamus and Vladimir sitting around the pit. He rubbed the tears out of his eyes as he felt compelled to move forward.

_Whoa, mate. You can’t come in here with THOSE things on._

Lucas, the BLU Sniper stood in the doorway and pointed at the tags around the Scout’s neck.

Jay looked at the Australian, confused.

“But. . .Snipes. . .I always wear ‘em.” he whispered.

_You been in the sun too long, mate? I’ve never seen you with them tags before._

The Scout felt his hand come up around the metal tags with a twinge of doubt.

“August told me never to take them off.”

_August? Hey, Doc! You tell the kid to wear them tags?_

Jay’s breath caught in his throat as the Sniper moved away from the door and the tall, broad figure of the man he remembered appeared beside the Australian. He trembled and clutched the tags as August smiled kindly at him.

_Nein. I do not recognise zhem. Vhere did you get zhose, mein liebe?_

“You. . .I mean. . .gave them to me. . .my father. . .the RED Spy. . .”

Jay stopped as the Medic looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

_The RED Spy? Jay, you must be feeling ill. Vhat have I told you about running in zhe desert so late? Your mozher and fazher live in Boston. You came to zhe Badlands because you have zhe fastest track record. You vere hand selected for zhe Scout class._

Jay laughed hysterically before nodding.

His hand automatically ripped the tags from his neck. He could hear the music getting to the end of the last Coda. The metal hung from his closed hand as he stared at the door with a smile on his face.

This is where he belonged.

 _This_ is what he wanted.

_Come, liebe. . .the fire is perfect. . ._

“Comin’, Doc.” Jay whispered. “I’m coming. . .”

The Scout was about to drop the tags in his hand and cross over the line as the music faded. He closed his eyes and smiled wider until a palm came down upon his shoulder. His body was suddenly aware of everything as he turned, stunned.

Behind him, a pale, worn figure stared at him.  Green eyes were haggard and sunken into the skull. Dark circles were embedded in flesh and clothes hung off of a body that had once been firm and muscular. The hand that held onto the Scout was firm.

Jay was about to get indignant when he realised who he was looking at behind him.

His eyes were frightened.

“August!?”

The two BLUs across from the Scout frowned.

_Oy, mate!? What’re ya doin!?_

The Medic beside Jay frowned and looked through the door.

“ _He vill not make zhis decision vithout both sides of zhe story_.”

Jay trembled.

His voice sounded so hoarse. It sounded like he was sick.

“August? Is. . .it you?”

 _Liebe, I am right here_.

“ _Shut up!_ ” the August beside Jay barked. “ _He deserves to make a fair choice!_ ”

Jay was confused until August’s hand slid down to the one holding the tags. He stared at the Medic as August’s fingers closed around his.

“August?”

The Medic closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“ _Zhese tags. . .zhey are a part of you._ ” he whispered. ” _Throwing zhem avay means zhat you are throwing zhis part of you away as vell. It vill be gone. Everyzhing zhat vas connected to you vill be lost. Beyond zhis point, you vill be vhat you are in **zhere**_.”

Jay turned and looked through the door again.  He saw the Pyro and Soldier wave at him. He could feel his heart aching as he longed to pull away from this man who was a husk of the man through the door.

“I wouldn’t be in pain, though.” he said slowly. “I. . .would. . .have everything I ever wanted.”

August painfully winced but nodded.

“ _Jaa. It is vhat you vant it to be. . ._ ”

Jay slowly turned back to the man holding his hand.  He slowly reached out and touched the Medic’s face. He could see how the German relished the touch and how tears started to slide down his cheeks.

“What happened to you?”

“ _I have vorked so hard._ ” August cried softly. “ _So hard to bring you back. . .but. . .I cannot force you to choose.  I have. . .tried. . .missed you, liebe. Mein schatz. . .I did not want you to leave without hearing how much I loved you._

“ _You meant zhe vorld to me. . .and if zhis is vhat you vant. . .I. . .I cannot stop you! You deserve to be happy. . .I should have stopped zhem! It is mein fault!_

“ _Forgive me, Jay. . .and please. . .never forget I loved you._

“ _I LOVED YOU._ ”

The Medic was startled as Jay gently put his lips against his. His eyes narrowed before closing entirely. He clutched Jay’s hand tighter as the Scout slowly pulled away with a smile. He stared into the blue green eyes painfully.

Jay grinned.

“I loved you, too, Doc.” he whispered. “I’m sorry I had to break your heart. . .but, you belong to another place. . .maybe not now, maybe later. . .but that place doesn’t include me.

“I’m sorry I hurt you.”

August cringed as the Scout turned away and smiled at the door.

“I hope you can forgive me. . .for everything I’ve done.”

“ _I never blamed you_!”

“Me neither. . .”

The light was intense as Jay opened his hand.  The tags slid from his fingers and slowly began falling to the ground.  The Scout smiled as a great warmth spread through his body and hands slowly reached for him.

_Welcome home, laddie!_

_Mwhanana hana!_

As the tags struck the ground, everything melted into a warm, comforting light.

_. . .I can’t hurt you anymore. . ._

_Please don’t hurt anymore._

_I love you. . .always._


	37. Homecoming

The wind rustled through autumn leaves in the trees surrounding the small graveyard. A cold breeze blew through the area as the sounds of traffic nearby filtered through the air. Sunlight spread over old tombstones and statues. Shadows ran along the ground as a figure carefully stood up and brushed several leaves from a polished, marble stone.

Green eyes stared at the name on the tombstone with pain.  Silver spectacles covered a face that was wind blown and red.  Greying, brown hair fell across the pale face from under a bright, blue hat.  Around the figure’s neck was a blue scarf. Bundled inside of a winter jacket and armed with an umbrella, the former, BLU Medic stared at the tombstones in his family’s plot.

August von Dette stood in front of the newest stone and stared at the flowers he had brought. He painfully bowed his head and willed the tears to stay away.  It had been too long now. If he allowed himself to cry now, he would lose it. It had cost so much already, losing everything. In the end, perhaps it wasn’t worth anything.

“I miss you everyday.”

His voice was hoarse.  He did not speak often. Usually, he just stood and stared until the sun disappeared. It was as if he were waiting for the marble to speak back.

“I’m sorry.” he breathed. “I’m sorry that I haven’t visited in awhile. Work has been keeping me busy. But, I’m here now.”

He smiled weakly.

“Jason said I should come see you more often. . .of course, he’s been saying that for awhile.”

August trembled and put his hand against his face.

“I’m so sorry.” he rasped. “God, I’m sorry.”

The Medic cried for a few moments before composing himself.  He painfully cleared the tears from his eyes and lifted his umbrella. He stared at the stones sitting close to one another with a firm nod.

“I am glad that you are finally home.” he said aloud. “I am glad you are where you belong, _liebe_.”

August’s face was cast in shadow as he opened his umbrella.

“I promise, I will visit sooner next time.

“I love you.”

The German stood silently for a moment before turning his back and walking down the path out of the small cemetery.  He walked through the gates and onto the sidewalk.  He huddled down into his jacket and continued to walk. He passed by people getting ready for the holidays. He hardly noticed them.

Since returning to Germany after the incident in the Badlands, the Medic hadn’t done much of anything.  He had tried so hard to convince himself it was for the best, even if it hadn’t been. He had stopped practising medicine. It wasn’t doing him any good anyway.

He played at a local opera house as first chair for Viola. That was enough for now. It kept his mind occupied. Ever since . . . well . . .

August ducked down a side street and began walking toward a row of houses along the path.  Cobblestone streets lined this part of town as the sun began to set over the rooftops.

There would be worry if he didn’t hurry.

The Medic quickly hustled toward a house with ivy along the wrought iron gates. He unlatched the front gate and closed it behind him.  He closed his umbrella and hurried down the front walk. He put his key into the front door and quietly pushed it open.

As he shut the door and locked it behind him, a noise came from upstairs.

“Hey, Doc. . .how’s the family.”


	38. 88 Keys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I would be lynched for the last, two chapters. ;P

August von Dette removed his hat and his scarf as a voice softly called out to him from the top of the stairs. His eyes instantly brightened and his face melted into a smile.  He set his things aside as Jay Merquise-von Dette stared at him with a small grin on his face.

“Zhey are fine, _liebe_.” he answered, coming up the stairs. “Perhaps next time you vill be vell enough to come vith me.”

Jay smiled warmly as August stopped to kiss him. He stared up at the larger man with a nod. Around his left ring finger was a worn, battered ring. The gold glinted in the fading light when he took the Medic’s hand in his.

“Not my fault I keep gettin’ sick.”

“I know, _mein schatz_.” August replied. “Zhat stint is going to need more vork if you keep getting zhese infections.”

Jay shrugged.

“Small price to pay to be alive. . .with you.”

August smiled and nodded.

“Jaa. . .I suppose.”

August stared down at the Scout.

He had worked so hard to save him.  It had been the longest five months of his life.  To repair the damage to Jay’s aortal valve took several heart surgeries. Jason, Richard and himself had to fabricate a synthetic valve replacement for the damaged stint.

In addition, it took several blood transfusions before Jay could have the surgery at all. He had been attached to life support for a long time prior. The RED Heavy had tore through the Scout’s colon, causing clotting and abdominal distress. Cleaning up that mess had taken considerable time and patience.  To make matters worse, Jay had become more and more resistant to the Medi-gun and Dispensers.

During the course of his treatment, they had stopped working all together.

August ran his hand over Jay’s face. The blue eyes watched him carefully. A smile spread across the young man’s face.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t come with you, August.” Jay breathed. “I would have liked to welcome her home.”

“It’s better you rest.” August answered. “Did you take your medicine?”

Jay nodded.

“Yeah. I took that breath test thing. I didn’t get outta the red.”

“Then you need another breazhing treatment.” August said kissing Jay’s forehead. “I do not vant your lungs to fill up again.”

The younger man grimaced, but followed the Medic through the living room.

“Later.” he answered. “I was worried you would forget what time it was. . .and I was. . . you know, worried. . .”

August looked at several charts on the dining room table before turning to Jay. He smiled a little.

“Forgive me, _liebe_. I _had_ lost track of time.”

Jay crossed his arms and feigned anger.  He let his face melt into a grin as he shook his head.

“I knew where to find you if you didn’t come back.”

August smiled back.

“Did you do your exercises today?”

Jay nodded.

“I am up to three pull ups and ten push ups! I am gonna be racing the wind again in no time!”

August made several notes in one of the charts on the table.

Despite attempts to keep his muscles from atrophying, Jay’s body still grew weak.  He had several surgeries to repair damaged flesh in his colon and groin. The strain on his body had taken a considerable toll on him.

The depression in the months after Jay had awoken was terrible. After a suicide attempt, he had to be kept in the hospital. It was a normal reaction, but it was hard to watch. It was hard being helpless when your lover was suffering and in pain. It took several weeks of therapy before the Scout would talk, walk or even eat on his own.

It was heartbreaking to see the pain every day. 

There had been so many tears and nightmares. The Scout wouldn’t talk to him or face him for weeks. Every time he would come to help with his medications or to take him to therapy, the younger man would shrink back and turn away.

He had known why.

He had known the moment he had seen Jay lying in the hospital.

Jason had to restrain him to keep him from going back into the Badlands. When he had calmed down enough to keep his hands from shaking, it was barely enough to keep him focused.

He would hear the full story of the encounter later. It would be through patience and re-assurance, but he had heard about what had happened after Jacques disappeared with his son. The Medic had spent every, waking moment he had with Jay during his recovery. He made it clear that he had no intention of leaving or abandoning the boy.

He had stressed that he would _never_ force him to do what he did not want to do.

Things were different, yes. But, he still loved the boy. Perhaps, he loved him more than ever.

“August?”

“Yes, Jay?”

“You think. . .you think we could afford a piano?”

August looked down at the runner with surprise. He noted the nervous blush that ran through the Scout’s cheeks.  The older man tilted his head to the side.

“Afford it? Of course we could afford it.  Now zhat your mozher has returned vhat rightfully belonged to you in zhe first place.”

Jay became more nervous.

“Ma? You. . .you told her I was. . .”

August calmly shook his head.

“ _Nein_. I explained zhat Frauline Pauling had discovered zhat vone of her RED Employees vas taking home more zhan his fair share. Furzhermore, I told her zhat _I_ vas zhe vone zhat had cared for you in zhe Badlands and as such, zhat money should be returned.

“I zhought it only fair to give zhe voman a chance before Pauling vent after her vith Helen’s lawyers. Mein brozher and Jacques are lucky enough as it is. . .”

“Did. . .I mean. . .did she sound. . .sad?”

Jay felt embarrassed for sounding worried. Even though his mother was equally responsible for what had happened to him, he still missed her. It was hard to imagine her being happy he was gone.

“She vas unhappy.” August answered tersely. “But zhat vould be expected vith her husband on trial for your murder. However, she did not fight vhen I asked for zhe money. Vhat is more, she zhanked me for taking care of you. . .and for trying to save your life.

“She had known zhat Jacques vas taking your pay home and away from you. Vhen he vould send money home, she vould put it in an account for you. Everyzing you earned is now in an account here in Germany.”

Jay was silent for a moment before frowning and looking at the former Medic.

“Hey, August? How much. . .did I actually make out there?”

“See for yourself, _liebe_.”

Jay took a small slip of paper from August as the older man handed it to him.

His eyes grew wide as he stared at the numbers. He trembled a little before looking up at August again.

“Doc, are you serious?” he whispered. “This. . .”

August smiled faintly.

“It is true, _liebe_.”

Jay looked back at the numbers on the bank receipt and laughed a little. He grinned and looked up at the Medic.

“That’s. . .a lot. . .”

August nodded.

“Oh, jaa, quite a lot.” he agreed. “Zhat isn’t including vhat you still have at zhe Teufort Bank under zhe name “ _Rachmaninoff_ ,” eizher.”


	39. Rachmaninoff

Jay’s face suddenly paled. He stared at the Medic as his jaw tightened. He stood still for a few moments before wincing and looking down.

“You knew. . .about. . .me?”

August chuckled and gently reached for the piece of paper in Jay’s hand. He set it on the table and firmly eased Jay’s face upward. He stared into the embarrassed gaze of his lover and shook his head.

“ _Liebe_ , I had vondered vhen you vould _ask_ me about a piano.”

Jay blushed now.

“Wh. . .h. . how did. . . _HOW_?”

“Vladimir told me zhere vas a quiet bar on zhe outskirts of town. Zhe owner was a purveyor of fine alcohol and zhe place vas calm during zhe early evening. Vlad mentioned zhat a person played beautiful piano zhere. Turns out, zhat person played every Sunday ve vere in town.

“You alvays disappeared zhe second Richard stopped zhe truck. I never got zhe chance to ask you if you vanted to do somezhing vith me or Vlad. I vas upset about it vone day and decided to try Vlad’s suggestion. I happened to get to zhe bar before you and sat in a quiet, dark corner in zhe back.”

August paused and smiled fondly.

“You came dressed in zhat black hooded zhing of yours. You vere vearing blue jeans and a pair of sneakers zhat had seen better days. I remember. . .you vere carrying vone of zhe Sniper’s jars. I remember asking meinself if you had zhe sense to ask for a _clean_ one!”

Jay smiled a little and nodded.

“Stole one from his locker.” he admitted sheepishly.

August laughed.

“Zhat is a relief.” he replied. “Anyvay, I vas going to say somezhing to you, but I saw you look around zhe bar, terrified. It vas zhen I figured out zhat vhat you vere doing, you vere doing in secret. You did not vant anyvone to know _you_ vere zhe vone playing.

“You vent to zhat piano, and you played such beautiful music. I vas moved by zhe way your body reacted to every note. Your face, your hands, your arms. . .every part of you vas in tune vith zhat instrument. You vere as vone vith zhat piano as you vere vhen you vould race zhe skyline in zhe desert. It vas breath-taking to vatch, _liebe_.”

Jay, still blushing, looked at August with a feeble smile.

“I never saw ya. . . _or_ the Big Guy. . .I figured I would at _least_ notice _him_.”

“Ah, vell, you vouldn’t notice _him_.” August answered. “He alvays vent vhen it vas more crowded. He, Lucas and Seamus all rode togezher. You vould not notice _me_ because I alvays vore inconspicuous clozhes and sat in zhe same spot every Sunday. You vere so into zhe music zhat it vas like zhe bar vasn’t zhere at all. It vas just you and zhat piano.”

Jay leaned into the Medic’s touch as August ran his palms across his face. He put his hands against August’s and held them tightly.

“I vould come to hear you play every Sunday.” August whispered. “Every Sunday. . .I’d listen and I’d vatch. One day, vhen you vere finished, I followed you out of zhe bar. I vatched you go to zhe Bank in town and deposit everyzhing into zhe Night Depository.  You never took anyzhing vith you.”

Jay looked at August as the German smiled at him. He winced before wrapping his arms around August’s waist. He held the Medic close and remained silent.

“Vhen I realised zhat you vere trying to keep it a secret, I decided zhat I vould help you earn vhatever it vas you vere saving for, Jay. Even if I never had _you_. . .or _us_. . . I vould know zhat I had helped you, and zhat vould have been enough.”

Jay’s face contorted strangely.

“You. . .wait. . .”

He gasped.

“Wait. . . _YOU_! Were _you_ the one that would gimme twenty dollars every week?”

August smiled and nodded.

“Jaa. Zhat vas me.” he replied honestly. “And I vould give you fifty on zhe holidays.”

Jay looked shocked before shaking his head and hugging August tightly.

“Ya didn’ have to do that!” he cried softly. “Ya didn’t!”

“I know zhat.” August answered, holding Jay close. “But one should show zheir appreciation for fine music.  Besides, seeing you so happy made _me_ happy. I knew zhat zhere vere two zhings zhat made you look like zhat: baseball and playing piano.”

“Three.” Jay corrected softly.

He looked up at August with tears glittering in his eyes.

“You make me happy, August. _You_.”

Jay let the Medic sweep him up into his arms. He enjoyed the warm, gentle kiss against his lips.

It had been hard. He wasn’t going to lie. When he had awoken from a coma, everything was like a nightmare. There was pain and the guilt and embarrassment of what had happened to him. There were new scars and new fears. He couldn’t walk or lift his arms. His body felt as though it was bolted to the bed.

It hurt to breathe. It hurt to remember. Everything was coated in painful memories. It felt as if bits and pieces had been blacked out or removed. Nothing made sense, and that was terrifying in those first, few days.

He had been afraid of facing August. He was ashamed. Another person had touched him in a way that he had promised only his lover would get to touch him. To think about what his lover’s brother and cohorts had done still made him sick, even a year and a half later.

“Shh, _liebe._ Shh.”

Jay’s breath wheezed in and out of his lungs as August parted from him and brushed his tears away. He focused for a moment before holding the Medic tighter.

“I love you, August!”

August smiled.

“I love you, too, Jay.” he breathed. “I love you more zhan anyzhing.”

They held one another silently as the final rays of sunlight skirted across the floor from the balcony doors. After a moment, August kissed the side of Jay’s face.

“After practise, ve vill go shopping for a piano.”

Jay’s face brightened.

“Can I go with you to practise?”

August nodded.

“Jaa. Ve can go early tomorrow. Zhere is a beautiful concert piano I zhink you vill love. Besides, I haven’t heard you play in so long. . .”

“If. . .If I play. . .will you play a song with me?”

August looked at Jay, startled. He watched the Scout curiously. He was silent as Jay ran a hand through his hair. The soft, blue shirt he wore rose slightly, revealing the top of his pajama bottoms. After a moment, the Medic smiled.

“Vhat vould ve play?”

“ _When We Dream._ ” Jay answered immediately. “The French version.”

August stared.

“ _Quand Nous Rêvons?_ ”

Jay nodded.

“I love that song. It has a good Harmony for violin.”

August trembled.

“But. . .zhere _is_ no Harmony for violin. . .for zhat song!”

The Medic painfully looked away.

“Zhat song vas written for piano exclusively. I. . .I composed. . .a Harmony for violin. . . for Ameilia. . .and. . .taught. . .mein daughter. . .”

“Elsa.”

August looked at the Scout as Jay finished his sentence. His eyes were watery as he stared.

Jay smiled faintly.

“She plays pretty good, but she sounds flat.”


	40. Coming to Terms

The Scout was surprised as August launched forward and hugged him. He carefully put his arms around August’s waist.

“Hey, August. . .I’m sorry. . .you don’ hafta play it with me. I didn’ mean nothin’ by it. . .”

August laughed and shook his head. He kissed the side of Jay’s head while tears slid down his cheeks. He smiled.

“I vould love to play zhat song vith you. It has been a long time, but I am sure it vill come back to me. Tell me, _liebe_. . .vhere did you learn zhat song?”

“Ma taught it to me.” Jay answered softly. “She taught me how to play piano when I was a kid. I had a natural talent for it, but that fuckin’ Spy dragged me into the desert when I started actin’ out at school and gettin’ in trouble. I guess he figured he’d make a better profit puttin’ my speed to good use.”

The Scout scowled for a moment before shaking his head and smiling at August. He leaned into the Medic’s hands and was content.

“I didn’ mean to insult Elsa, August. . .”

August shook his head.

“She never tuned her instrument properly. It does not surprise me.” he answered.

The Medic had a vague understanding of Jay’s experience during his coma. The way Jay sometimes spoke reminded him that the human brain was an incredible organ. In bits and pieces, Jay explained that he had seen his aunt and cousins. He had been led to a door between two worlds and he had to choose between staying as he was or going to a world built for him – some place his heart would not be in pain.

Jay had explained that he, _this_ August, had kept him from making the decision hastily.

This came full circle.

Watching the Scout run his hands underneath his shirt and get a rosy blush in his cheeks, August von Dette understood.

Even though he would have been in a place without pain – a place with a version  of _his_ person – Jay did not want to leave the August he knew and loved. The world he had known, despite its consequences, was what the young man had wanted.

He had come back from Death to be with _him_.

“I’m glad you’re home, Doc. . .I really missed ya!”

August moaned softly while Jay’s fingers pressed against his abdomen.  He allowed the boy to undo the button on his slacks. He ran his fingers through the Scout’s hair. His breath hitched in his lungs.

“Jay. . .”

“I will take that stupid breathing treatment. . .” Jay promised gently. “. . .I will as soon as. . . we’re done. . .just. . .please. . .”

August restrained himself and pulled Jay’s head back.  He stared into the hazy blue eyes while the younger man panted. He enjoyed the pale skin, the thin throat and the heaving chest.

“Your breazhing vas still in zhe red, Jay. . .”

“. . .please, August. . .”

August smiled helplessly.

“Vell, you _are_ asking politely.”

Jay moaned through their kiss as August pulled him close. He barely felt the Medic lift him up. He enjoyed the taste of their kiss. He wanted to be caught up in the way their tongues fought for control.

Even though his body had healed over the past year and a half, August was hesitant about pushing him too far. To be honest, Jay was grateful for the Medic’s patience and understanding. He was terrified of the pain and the memory of what had happened.

The Scout cried out subconsciously and wrapped his arms around August’s neck.

“ _Shh, Liebe. Sie sind sicher. Wir sind eine Million Meilen von ihnen entfernt._ ”

August’s voice spoke in soothing tones. His lips pressed against Jay’s neck gently.

“ _Ich werde dir nicht wehtun._ ”

It took Jay a moment to push the old memories from his head. In the beginning, he couldn’t control them at all. He would break down and start bawling. He’d end up being cradled in August’s arms until he cried himself to sleep or the Medic put him to sleep. The mere thought of intimacy made the Scout’s heart start racing.

Now, the feeling was still there, but he could control it much better. He owed it to August for being so damned understanding. If he hadn’t been, he didn’t know what he would have done. He probably would have been successful when he tried to kill himself in the hospital.

That didn’t mean he didn’t understand that his situation made it hard on the Medic.

They’d only gotten to make love once.

Just because _he_ was damaged didn’t mean August should have to suffer, too.

“ _Mein liebling_.”

Jay pressed his body against August’s as the Medic spoke quietly against his neck. The taller man’s footsteps creaked on the stairs as they made their way to the bedroom.

“ _Mehr, August! Bitte, halten Sie bitte tun!_ ”

August pushed the door open to their room and walked inside. The blue walls were comforting and had the same, family pictures that had been in the Medic’s old bedroom. Newer frames held different pictures with newer people and places.

Shadows played across the dresser and the beige floor. August set Jay against the covers and passionately kissed his lips. He could feel Jay’s fingers trembling as he touched the hardening organ jutting from his hips.

“ _Liebe, die so wunderbar anfühlt!_ ” August whispered encouragingly.

Coaxed by his lover’s gentle touches and reassurances, Jay whimpered and pressed his hands against the heated flesh. He enjoyed August’s moans as his fingers worked. His body began to feel hot.

“August. . .”

“Yes, _liebe_?”

August never minded speaking in English with Jay. The two switched between German and English so often, even after moving to Germany, that the Medic hardly noticed it anymore. It was a flawless transition that both of them understood.

He had to admit, though, when the Scout spoke German, it was endearing and wonderful.

“I. . .I’m. . .not ready. . .to let. . .”


	41. You Learn

August quickly pulled back and looked down at his lover. He gently cupped Jay’s face in his hands when the Scout’s words were lost in sharp breaths. He shook his head.

“Shh. It’s all right, Jay. You do not have to do _anyzhing_ you do not vant, _mein liebe_.”

Jay shook his head helplessly.

“But. . .to. . .to you! I want. . .to. . .to you!”

August looked at Jay, surprised. He stared down at the Scout with concerned, green eyes. He pressed his hand against his lover’s cheek firmly.

“ _Liebe_ , are you sure?”

Jay blushed and nodded.

He gathered his courage and looked at August seriously.

“Yeah. . .yeah, I want to. . .”

August gently kissed Jay’s lips. He planted soft kisses along the young man’s jaw and throat. His hands eased along Jay’s sides and toward his abdomen. He continued to kiss Jay’s flesh while pressing his hand against the Scout.

“May I touch you first, Jay?”

Jay could hear the restraint in August’s voice. The hand at his hip rubbed gentle circles into his skin. His body was reacting to the pressure and his hips pushed up against the Medic’s own.

“Yeah, Doc,” he whispered, “you can.”

August’s kisses became more ferverant. His tongue sought his lover’s while his hand moved to the Scout’s groin. Firm, reassuring pressure moved heated flesh back and forth. After a few minutes of touching, Jay moaned and wrapped his arms around August’s neck again. Pre-cum stained his pants as the Medic carefully slid his hand beneath the waistband of his pajamas.

The warm touch was exhilarating.

“August. . .that. . feels really good.”

“I am glad.” August rasped.

He winced.

“ _Liebe_. . .may. . .I _taste_ you?”

Jay moaned again. Soft, careful fingers kneaded his flesh. He arched into the Medic’s hand and brought his hands to the hem of his shirt.  He nodded and began pulling the garment over his head.

August’s hands trembled as he assisted the Scout and eased the runner out of the remainder of his clothes. It had been so long since he’d had the pleasure of doing this. His cock throbbed against his underwear as he tossed Jay’s clothes to the floor.

He was breathing heavily as Jay lay silently beneath him. Raised, pinkish scars covered the Scout’s sternum and stomach. They were not unsightly. They were a reminder of how beautiful this man’s life was to him.

It was a reminder of how hard they had worked to save this life.

“August. . .don’t. . .tease me. . .”

Jay whimpered as August leaned forward. He clutched the bedsheets and focused on August’s touch and movements. He felt the Medic take him greedily. August’s tongue ran along the base of his erection, over the veins and around the head.

He had forgotten how good it felt when someone you loved did things like this to your body.

August moaned against Jay’s flesh as the Scout buried his fingers in his brown hair. His eyes rolled back when the younger man pushed him deeper and bucked his hips upward. He obliged.

“Fuck! August. . . August, I’m cumming! Shit! I’m cumming. . .!”

Jay cried out and jerked while his body released. He rode out his orgasm as August gently kept sucking. He thrashed when the Medic swallowed euphorically and ran his tongue along the trembling organ.

“A. . .August. . .”

“You taste better zhan I remember.” August breathed, a blush skirting across his face. “It’s vonderful. . .do you still vant me, Jay?”

Jay felt himself nodding.

The Medic had too many clothes on right now. He needed to get those off. He needed to feel skin. He needed to _touch him_.

August allowed the Scout to sit up. He waited and watched while Jay pulled at his shirt. He smiled.

“ _Wollen Sie das abstellen?_ ”

“Yeah,” Jay breathed, “please.”

August complied.

He enjoyed how Jay’s hands pressed against his while he removed his shirt. The Scout ran his palms down the Medic’s abdomen as August threw his shirt to the floor. Fingers pressed against his erection.

He moaned.

“Jay. . .”

“I want to. . .” Jay rasped. “. . .I wanna make love to you. . .!”

August pulled Jay’s face upward and kissed his lips. He planted kisses along the Scout’s jaw and shoulder before nodding.

“Jaa. . .”

Jay gently tugged on his cock while August stood up and removed the reaminder of his clothes. His erection was slicked with pre-cum as he turned back to the Scout. He slowly went to the nightstand and pulled out a small jar.

“Come here, _liebe._ ”

The Scout wordlessly moved closer to the edge of the bed. He whimpered when the medic removed his hand from his member.

“August. . .!”

Faint scars ran the Scout’s length and along the insides of his thighs. The splinters from the carpentry horse had caused considerable tissue damage upon their removal. However, much of the wounds had healed fine. If anything, it made the youth more sensitive than before.

“I vill make it better, _liebe_.” August promised. “Be patient.”

Jay gasped as the Medic opened the jar and took a jelly like substance out onto his fingers. He moaned as August rubbed it over his length.  The Scout squirmed under August’s touch. He pushed his hips up hungrily.

“More!” Jay breathed when August pulled away. “More!”

August smiled and nodded. His eyes were hazy as he set his glasses aside. He took a bit more from the jar before setting it beside his glasses. He eased his body to its knees on the bed.

Jay’s breath was quick in his throat as August’s fingers reached between his legs and began covering his entrance in the substance. His face was euphoric.

“August. . .”

August smiled and pulled his hand forward.

“Come, _liebe_.”

Jay felt his heart hammering in his chest as August slid down on his hands and knees. He lifted his backside toward the Scout. The young man’s organ throbbed between his legs.

“H. . .How. . .do I. . .I. . .don’t. . .”

August looked over his shoulder and smiled sweetly.

“ _Wie diese, zu lieben. Hier. . ._ ”

Jay moaned when August let his weight rest on his shoulders. He shivered when the Medic parted himself with his hands and waited patiently. The slick entrance begged the Scout to come closer. The younger man moved forward and let his cock rest between August’s flesh. His entire body was trembling. The Medic groaned.

He grasped August’s hips and began moving. He let his length rub against the Medic before attempting to push against the tight ring of muscles. His fingernails dug into his lover’s skin. He slowly pushed forward.

August moaned into the bed covers. He closed his eyes as he felt Jay hesitate. He pushed back gently.

“It does not hurt, _liebe_!” he breathed. “Please. . .please don’t stop! Please. . .”

“It. . .It doesn’t. . .hurt you?”

August shook his head.

“ _Nein. . .nein_. . .”

Jay painfully closed his eyes and pushed himself through August’s opening. He was motionless, frightened, when August moaned loudly. The Scout stared as the Medic brought his hands down to his sides and clawed at the covers.

“August?”

“ _Es fühlt sich gut! Gott, hör nicht auf! Hör nicht auf!_ ”

August mumbled in incoherent German. His eyes were clenched shut and his body was shaking. Muscles tensed as Jay nervously ran his fingers over the Medic’s back.

Jay moaned as he felt August’s body clutch him involuntarily. The pressure felt great. He grasped the Medic’s hips again.

“ _Kann ich?_ ”

“ _Bitte. . .bitte. . ._ ”

August’s needy voice, the pull of his body and the sound of his own heartbeat pushed Jay forward. He began moving slowly at first. His hips hit the Medic’s ass gently while August moaned and cursed in German beneath him. When his lover’s movements became ragged, the Scout obliged him.


	42. A World Without You

Jay let out a satisfying growl. He forced himself in and out of August a bit faster.  He leaned forward with hazy eyes.

“Let me touch you?”

His voice was restrained, but needing. He kissed several scars embedded in his lover’s back. His hands started to slide around the Medic’s waist.

“Jaa. . .please. . .”

August’s voice was a whimper.

Jay felt a rush of excitement run through his veins. His fingers wrapped around his lover’s length and began to move. Heated flesh passed over his palms. After a few moments, he started to move his hips again.

“God. . .Jay. . .Jay. . .”

Again, incoherent babbling.

“Does it feel good, August?”

“Jaa. . .Jaa!”

The Medic felt the heat burning in his core. He pushed back against Jay. He needed it.

“Do you want to cum?”

Jay’s voice was a whisper.

August opened his eyes and looked over his shoulder at the youth behind him. He took in the flushed, red face and heaving body. He relished the pressure in his abdomen.

He nodded.

“Jaa. . .I vant to cum. Make me cum, _liebe_. Make me cum. . .”

Jay thrust harder. His fingers worked August’s flesh as a white haze formed behind his eyes.

“Shit. . .I’m. . .I’m gonna cum again! Fuck. . .I’m. . .I’m cummin’ in ya!”

August shuddered and cried out as he released into the Scout’s palms. He put his hand against his lips as tears formed under his eyes. His body shook as Jay worked his pace down. The Scout’s fingers rubbed gently as he put his head on the Medic’s back.

“Aug. . .ust. . .”

The German’s eyes were sated and hazy. It felt good to feel Jay’s touch and his breath against his skin. He closed his eyes again.

“Jay. . .I love you. . .I love you. . .”

“I love you, too, August.”

The Medic whimpered. He lamented the loss of Jay’s warmth as the Scout pulled back. He looked at Jay as the younger man nudged him.

“Vhat is it, _liebe_?” August asked worriedly. “Are you hurt?”

Jay wordlessly motioned for August to turn onto his back. He watched the Medic as he brought his fingers to his lips.

August breathed heavily while Jay’s tongue worked around his knuckles and fingertips. He moaned. The Scout’s release still glistened on the youth’s softening organ.

He wanted to touch him.

Anticipating this, the Scout moaned in response and leaned forward. His lips caressed the Medic’s erection and slowly encompassed it. Jay enjoyed the startled cry and the restraint from August’s body.

His tongue worked around August’s sensitive areas. He carefully pulled away and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

He grinned.

“You taste pretty good, too.”

August did not wait for Jay’s permission. He quickly sat up and pulled the Scout into his arms. He held his lover tightly to his chest and pressed their lips together. After a moment, they parted breathlessly.

“I love you so much.” August whispered. “You do not realise how happy I am vhen I am vith you, Jay.”

Jay smiled faintly.

“I have an idea.” he answered.

August smiled back.

“Did anyzhing hurt? Is your chest all right?”

Jay shook his head.

“It felt. . .really good.” he said slowly. “It made me remember when we first made love, right? I didn’t. . .fear. . .and my chest doesn’t hurt. . .”

August beamed.

“Zhat’s vonderful, Jay!” he said. “I am happy. Zhat means all of zhat vork you did is paying off like I said it vould. I know zhat _you_ are impatient, but luckily, _I_ am not.”

Jay smiled again.

“I had a pretty good helper. . .”

He waited a moment before looking at August sincerely.

“Since. . .I didn’t panic. . .do you think. . .think we can try again. . .with me? Slowly?”

August’s smile broadened and he nodded.

“Of course we can, _liebe_.” he breathed, caressing Jay’s cheek. “Of course.”

Jay wrapped his arms around August’s neck and set his head on the Medic’s shoulder. He enjoyed the gentle fingers that began running up and down his back. He stared at the wall and listened to August breathing.

“Hey, August?”

“Yes, _liebe_?”

“You weren’t kiddin’ about the piano, right? We’re really gonna get one?”

August smiled and kissed the side of Jay’s head.

He laughed.

“ _Nein_. I vasn’t kidding. Ve vill get a piano.”

Jay relaxed into the Medic’s embrace with a smile on his face.

“And I still get to come with you tomorrow, too, right?”

“Jaa.”

“Good.”

The silence was comforting as August von Dette held Jay closer to his body. Lazy touches gently lulled the Scout to sleep as the Medic looked at the pictures on the wall. He smiled and looked down as Jay whispered incoherently.

“Even if I could go back, _liebe_ , a vorld vithout you vould be torture.” August said softly, trailing his fingers through Jay’s hair. “And, even vhen mein body is gone, it vill still be zhat vay. I vill alvays love you. I vill never leave your side.

“I did not zhen. . .and I vill not ever. . .

“I love you, Jay.”

The former, BLU Medic cradled his teammate as the sun disappeared completely. Lights came on in houses and on the streets as the night-life awoke from its slumber. The sounds of the city carried on the wind as several grains of wheat floated lazily from the sky. They made their way over the gates of a cemetery and toward a plot freshly dug.

Whispers ran through the dark as the grains landed on a new, white marble stone.

A small laugh echoed into the night as the moonlight above hit the front of the stone.

 

**_Elsa Margaret von Dette_ **

_Caring Sister and Beloved Daughter_

_Returned from Darkness and Welcomed By The Family_

_That Loved Her Most._

**_Born : 1932, October 13                    Died : 1945, April 30_ **


End file.
